Amy's

Last few months busy but fantastical

2011-12-27T20:15:00.004-07:00

I have had a pretty busy holiday season. Last month I went to see my sister's who lives in Twin Falls Idaho for Thanksgiving. It was nice. She doesn't live too far from the temple there so the first thing I did was walk to it. It took an hour there and an hour back. It was fantabulous, (a word I have been saying as well as the word fantastical). Two days later I did a session. The temple is still my heart and I love it. Also I have been doing a lot of things in my singles ward. I am becoming so attached to this ward and it is going to be hard when I leave. Plus I have been enjoying living by myself since my mom moved into the condo already, but I am looking forward to joining her once our place sales. Anyways I love my ward. Right now I am compassionate service leader. I basically am the morale committee of the relief society, which I love because I want the girls to know their worth as daughters of our Hevenly Father. I was also in the ward talent show where I lip sang to Dancing Queen in a costume. At the part of the song when they sing "anybody could be that guy" I started pulling Ken Barbie dolls that I borrowed from my niece out of a bag. I will try to put video of it on here. It was pretty lame but awesome at the same time. For one of the activities in our ward we went to look at the lights at temple square at the Salt Lake Temple. I had the best time with this group. We had a twirling contest under the lights of some pink trees. I got second place to the awesome guy of the group. Then we went to the Joseph Smith Memorial Building where I dared him to waltz around the Christmas tree for a gift card, which he did. I have loved that I am in a place where I don't care what others think and just be silly. I am living life more than ever and I just love it. Christmas was great as well. It was hard because it was the first without my aunt Nancy. I cant believe it has been 5 months since she so sadly took her own life, but I know she is going to be alright. My sister made a beautiful slide show about her that celebrates her life perfectly and she gave us all a copy of it. I love Christmas, being with family and celebrating the beginning of Christ's mission on earth. I love my Savior and I am humbled every day by His love and all He does for me. Looking forward to New Year's and to 2012 where I know good things are in store for me. My life hasn't turned out the way I wanted it to but I believe it is better. So many changes coming like moving, turning 30, career and much more. I am looking forward to see where I go next.

Oregon Trip

2011-08-29T17:38:00.005-06:00

After a long wonderful, but also sad summer I decided to take a trip. My sis in law talks about Oregon a lot so I decided with the extra money I made this summer and I just went. I am trying to just live a little if possible and not be too stingy with money, but not to go too crazy anyways so I went for 4 days last week. I had the best time going non stop. First thing we did was go to the Portland temple. As I have said before I love temples. As I sat outside it the songs I know My Redeemer Lives and The Spirit Of God were in my head. I testify I know the truth to these songs when I am inside or outside of the temple I feel the words these songs express deep in my heart. Then we drove to the coast where we did 5 hikes in 2 days. I love hiking and being in nature. We did two waterfalls, ocean top hikes and a few lighthouses. Plus in the mornings at 6 am we walked around the beach for two hours. So pleasant to be up when the sun is coming up and walking by the ocean in the fog. I loved Oregon so much that I am really looking into moving there. I love all the outdoor things you can do and the crazy wonderful beach people. I really do love all the different kinds of people there are in this world. No matter what their beliefs are or how they choose to live their life they all deserve to be loved because the Lord loves them. Everyone has a purpose in this life and a value. I love people's quirks. Life would be boring without them. I am a quirky person and that is why I think I love quirky people. I respect life no matter how you live it differently from me, I respect that power and gift of free will and choice. No one is not invaluable even horrible unpleasant people. I believe in showing them with love and compassion not matter if they hate me. Hopefully one day their hearts will be softened and they realize how amazing life is. Anyways the trip to Oregon and the people I met made me reflect on that a lot. I am also not perfect in that because I do admit I can be critical sometimes especially with people within my own faith. That is one of the things I am working on. I am harder on them than I am of people in other religions and lifestyles. Anyways, so in love with Oregon and going back soon to do more hiking and exploring.
Other news I have been dating. I am enjoying this. I have not enjoyed dating in quite sometime so enjoying having fun and just being silly. I am a silly person but don't expose that often but with my aunt's sad and tragic death I have really just pushing myself out of my shell and embracing my quirkiness more than ever. I have always loved who I am but have not opened up myself to others, but that is changing. I know I am a fun, silly, loving, and a great gal and it is time people saw me for me. No more fear of not understanding me. If they like me great if not that is ok too. As long as I am kind to people and loving that is all that matters. I have a lot of love to give.
So goals this month are live to the fullest, love as much as I can and be the best person possible and just have fun. I love my life and am just so happy in it.

my new fave thing to do beside genealogy

2011-08-10T22:12:00.006-06:00

So lately I have been making playlists. I believe that you can set your life to music to certain times of your life. I love music!!! So I started off with a period when I was in love with Andy. It starts off amazing then gets sadder, to being pissed, and finally how it works out that I am glad to have experienced it. The song First Time Ever I Saw Your Face was playing in the car when, after 2 years of on and off dating, i realized I loved Andy and that song helped me realize that. It helped me make sense of all those silly emotions I was having. I am a girl who doesnt fall in love easily, but when I do I love hard. I realize now how silly and dumb I was at expressing that love and am embarrassed at some things, but I was young and in love for the first time. I didnt know what I was doing. Very funny and sad at the same time. At least I know I wont make the same mistakes again. Still I have only loved once. Anyways I have also done songs that helped my spirituality grow. It started off with the basics then how it grew by the spirit and the hardships i faced to get me to where I am now. The happiness i have and grateful to have finally gotten to a beautiful place that keeps getting more beautiful and wonderful. That is because I know my Savior better now and am committed to serving Him the best I can. Now I am working on my childhood one. So the list playing now on my blog is my first love about Andy. I hope you enjoy it. What else is new with me is I am dating again. Scary i know and I have met a lot of jerks sadly. I have had guys call me fat, say I should feel lucky they are attracted to me, or i dont date girls who dont take care of their bodies. Honestly I feel maybe I should stop again because I have too much respect and love for myself to go through this crap. I mean I have it all, I am smart, funny, have a beautiful face, i am doing my best to live the gospel everyday plus growing in it everyday, I go to the temple often, I would make a great mother, I am amazing kisser (i have been told), I am pretty dang sexy (again I have been told), and I am just a plain fun good woman. The only thing is I am a chunk (not enough to call fat or chunky, a chunk), which I have lost a lot already, but it takes time men. Good grief I dont deserve all this. Getting my heartbroken by probably the love of my life and him choosing someone else was cruddy enough. Oh well at least I loved. I am not going to stop i just have to deal with the jerks to find the one who deserves all this!! ( I hope people understand that I am not conceded, just confident. Also they caught on to my sarcasm. I really do think I am a great gal, but I know I have a lot of work to do to keep changing and growing to what I am suppose to be. I am not perfect at all, but do my best to be my best self. I am not better than anyone. I just wanted to add that note.) Other than that I am still happy and still trying to get over my aunt's death, but I am more at peace about it than before. Also celebrated my birthday by taking a spontaneous trip to Wendover. I was in Tooele at a star gazing party and my Aunt's wife said hey do you want to go to Wendover? I said sure why not and went. It was silly fun and I did gamble for the first time which I dont get how people do that all day. I was pretty bored after a while. I only gambled $20. It was a great cultural experience and who knows if I would ever do it again. At least I tried it right? Life is still going very well.

July, a rough month and tired of mormons getting a bad wrap, but oh well

2011-08-01T19:46:00.002-06:00

Well July was a rough month for my family. We lost my dear aunt Nancy in tragic circumstances early in the month. It was kind of unexpected. As sad as it is losing her I know that she is with her parents, my grandma and grandpa and where she is experiencing a great love and understanding that she really needs. We were all there when she passed and that room was filled with love and peace. That is what is so amazing about the power of the Savior to give comfort to a family in a truly horrible situation. I am grateful for that. I don't know what I would do without it. That love and peace is so valuable to me and I am so glad to know it. What a blessing.
So as you read from the title I am a little frustrated, not mad, but sad. I recently was channel surfing and stopped on a local religious station where there was a 30 minute show all about how bad the Mormons are and how wrong they are. So I don't care that they don't share the same beliefs and I respect their beliefs, but seriously why don't you use those 30 minutes to talk about your beliefs instead of bashing another? I don't get it. I love other religions and respect their beliefs. We actually share similar beliefs if you really look at it. Also people think we are a hating religion, but that is not true. Yes there are some Mormons who say stupid things and are judgemental, but that is in other religions as well. For example people think we hate gay people. That is not true. I have an aunt who is gay and I love her. I also love her wife and their child. I don't hate them or not associate with them, in fact I am close to them. It is sad when some LDS people shun their family members who are gay. I know that our Father in Heaven loves them just as much as He loves me. I know He would be saddened by treating them badly. I do not fully understand why the Lord has said what He has about it, but I cant deny the other truths about the Gospel that I have prayed and fasted and received confirmation that it is true. One day maybe I will understand. Also it bothers me people say that President Monson is a hateful man. The prophet would be the first person to give anyone, drug addict, prostitute, or just an ordinary man a hug and say they are loved by him and the Lord. Finally I am also tired of the LDS people who say hateful things. They make us other Mormons who are doing their best to love everyone, respect and not judging them a bad wrap. I just wish they really worked better at understanding the Gospel deeper instead of living the cultural way. There is a difference. Oh well I must love the judgemental people as well. That is all I can do right? My flaw is I can be judgemental to judgemental people. Something I am working on!
This next month I hope to be a better one. I am turning one year older and going to Oregon, so that is exciting. Even though July has been a sad month for me, I am still pretty happy. The Lord has given me the strength to get through and continues to do so. I will always be grateful for this. I have a great family and a great life. What more can a girl ask for or need?

Summer so far

2011-06-30T20:54:00.004-06:00

Summer of 2011 is off to a great start. It started with a family outing to Antelope Island. We went to the beach and the cowboy festival. I love my family. I have such an amazing family. We are all different with different beliefs and desires but we all love and respect one another. The more time I spend with my family I understand why they are important in our Heavenly Fathers plan. They really do help you learn, grow and understand life. I adore them all and my nieces and nephews are cuter than any one else's! I will stand by that always. Then we did our chalk art festival. This year we did my niece blowing bubbles and in some bubbles there are magical things in them. I did most of the bubbles and finally have some artistic talent!!! We were a hit. A lot of people told us we were their fave. Last week I went to Taylorville Dayzz and had a blast. I saw an Abba impersonator band, ( I love Abba), and I sang every word to every song. I am not ashamed of it and admit it proudly. I mean it isnt my fab Abba, but it will do. Going to another one in July. So the concert was followed by an awesome firework show. Next up is I am going to be more silly. Not very many people know that I am because I hide it, but that is going to change. I am so happy now and comfortable in my skin. I love this phase of my life. So I am going to go sword fight with glow in the dark swords on a playground, dress up as a Victorian gal and go in the mountains or park and take photos. Plus many more. Also what is next is moving and then going to Oregon. I am having the best summer so far!!! I am happy, love life, my testimony in the Gospel is growing stronger every day, going to the Temple still every week doing my ancestors work, and so much more that is bringing me so much joy. I truly am a blessed girl.

what is up

2011-05-20T17:34:00.003-06:00

So nothing too exciting going on in my life, but a few changes. Last month I really got into Genealogy while looking up my Dad's line. I found about 70 people in 3 weeks. So I have been busy at the Temple every week getting their work done. What amazing, sacred experiences I am having. Well that got me thinking that I want to go to school and become a professional genealogist. I am going to get started soon and very excited about this next phase in my life. Also I have joined a singles ward and so far it has been great with some few reminders that I am in a different place than some of them. Not that is wrong or I am better, but just I am older. I would never want to be in my early 20's ever again. I love this phase of my life because I am more secure and more experienced. I am a lot calmer in life and plain happy. With all this I do realize that the older and the more experiences I get, I still don't know anything about life. It is always changing and mysterious. I love finding new things and discovering how wrong I am about things. It is wonderful. So that is what is up!!!

Christ is Risen - Matt Maher - Lyrics

2011-05-11T21:59:00.000-06:00

Aaron Shust--My Savior My God (with Lyrics)

2011-05-11T21:58:00.000-06:00

My Conference Weekend

2011-04-04T20:26:00.002-06:00

I had a wonderfully busy conference weekend. First I want to say that The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true. It is the complete truth here on earth!!! I just love being a member of this church. It brings me great joy. Anyways so my region of Young Single Adults were asked to participate in singing in the free speech zone before the first session of Saturday's session. I said yes, but then thought well really I just ignore the protesters and just thought it to be silly, so I wasn't going to go. Friday after returning from my fave place on earth, the temple, I had three messages on my machine about going. People wanted rides and the Stake person wanted me to count how many showed up. I took this as I needed to go. So I went and it was a truly wonderful experience. I realized that we were not there to drown out the protesters, but to help the members maintain the Spirit on their way to conference. I got teary eyed singing the songs I Know That My Redeemer Lives and Joseph's Smiths First Prayer. Much of my own testimony is of these songs say. I do know that my Redeemer lives and He is my best friend. I always will say that I know Joseph Smith saw the Living God and Savior that glorious day in the Sacred Grove. It was wonderful to sing my testimony of the Gospel to thousands of people. After we got to go to the first session and had some nice seats. The talks were wonderful and direct which I feel we need. It is amazing to gather with thousands of LDS people in one room feeling the Spirit so strongly with the prophet and the apostles! A truly amazing experience. The rest of the conference was great and spent with family. What a truly great blessed life I have!!!
Other news in my life, hit a stumble with losing weight. My body is not helping and losing fast. I hate how I lose a lot then stop. It is very frustrating, but I need to keep pushing myself. It just sucks to kick my butt as hard as I do and the results are slow!!! Oh well the best things are worth fighting for right? Well I keep saying it is in this situation, but man am I frustrated.
So once again the life of Amy is pretty amazing!!

What is going down this month with Amy

2011-03-22T20:32:00.003-06:00

Like how I try to use slang in the title when I am so not that hip, but hey it felt right. So this month has been a great one. Where to start, well one change is I am losing weight again at a crazy pace. So far in two months I have lost 17lbs!!! I am doing a Boot Camp class that is kicking my trash but so worth it. I am mostly losing inches though. I have lost 3 inches off my hips and waist in a month!!! Also I am trying to run and beginning to like it. I had to stop for three weeks because of my old injury in my knee from chasing my sister with the hose, (I fractured my knee, lesson of never seeking revenge after your sister throws water in your face), I kinked it but now getting on track again. I just have to wrap it while running. So that is my physical goals that are coming along quite nicely.
Other things well I am going to start doing is some genealogy of my ancestors and start getting their Temple work done. I mean I go to the temple every week, might as well do my own family. I have a start from what some other family members have done, but mostly the men have had their work done, so there are about 40 women I have to do and I am very excited to get it started, but now I have to find more. I can feel that they are waiting and anxious. I just have to learn how to do that. I am good at pretending at knowing what I am doing, but I don't think that is going to serve me well.
This month I have taken a break from all the religious books I have been reading, which I have loved and learned from, but I need to just read something different for a while. I mean the Lord created so much more in this world than just the Gospel. The Gospel is the most important, but there is so much more that came from him and I am learning as much as i can. I am reading Sophia Tolstoya's journal. I love history and people in history. I love Leo Tolstoy's books but finding out what kind of man he was to his wife and kids makes me not like him all too much and think he was actually a jerk. I know that I am reading just her side of the story and I need to read more about him before truly making an informed decision on the matter ( I say this in a joking manner. I am not taking it that seriously). I also can see how he got annoyed with her too. She was very dramatic. I know I have had my drama moments, I wont deny, but nothing like her. I mean she was the same immature at 60 as she was at 18. I feel I have matured a lot in these last 3 years. Anyways that is my opinion so far. Plus I am so grateful to be born at this time. If I was born in those days I would have been so screwed because of my opinions and personality. I am only half screwed now, so that is a step up and the positive on my unique mind.
Well that is really all that is going down with me right now. I hope everyone else is having an amazing life like me. I am truly blessed and so happy. I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for all that He gives me. Since I have made the Gospel one of my main priorities in my life I have never been happier. Life is wonderful.

What I know about love so far

2011-02-12T17:26:00.003-07:00

Valentine's day is coming up and though I dont have a valentine I am happy about that. I am glad because I know what is feels like to love someone. So I thought I would say what I feel true love is. I feel that real love is loving a person for who they are. You dont want to change them, but love them for their flaws and the great things about them. You also continue on together and realizing they are not going to stay the same person that you first met because as you grow in this life and they change as well as you. Real love is working hard together to make a life with one another and accepting that person with love even when mess up. Being there to support them even if you dont agree with them. It is trying to see where they come from but also in a loving way help them to see where you are coming from too. Compromise is a key and never letting the small stuff get in the way. They need to be more than someone you love, but your best friend. That friendship is needed so badly because you will go through days you dont love them but you like them. That helps in staying power in a couple. Friendship is so important in a relationship. Someone you count on and they count on you. Communicate with love and understanding, that is another big thing. Another thing I learned is loving someone means also being happy for them when they choose someone else. It hurts, but if you really loved them you are happy for them and want the very best for them. Falling in love is easy, but staying in love takes work and commitment. But if you work at it your love grows and becomes something more. Sadly when I experienced this love that person did not love me in the same way. But I am always grateful to have experienced it and with all the heartache I would never change those feelings because really loving someone is truly a great gift even when that person chooses someone else or things dont work out. It is those great feelings of love that makes us humans great and a great life lesson we all have to experience to grow as people in this life. There is still much more to learn about love, but again I am glad to know what it feels like and hopefully one day feel it again and for it to work out!!! So happy valentines day everyone!!!

What's Amy Learning about life this time

2011-02-03T18:13:00.003-07:00

Like the title??? I dont really have a exciting title for a subject, but I thought this one would do.
So this week I heard someone say, "why do girls cry alot?" It got me thinking I am a strange girl because I really dont cry often. I cried a lot over that one guy last year and when I bare my testimony, or when being touched by the Spirit, but other than that I dont cry a lot. Which I am trying to decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing. My brother has once said of me I know Amy only cries when she is really sad or and that is when I know she is really hurting. So something I should be happy about or not? Is there something wrong with me that I dont cry often? Or do I just handle things differently than most girls? Again I am strange. :)
Anyways, I mostly wanted to comment on this amazing book I am reading. Hearing the Voice of the Lord by Gerald Lund. It is about principles and patterns of personal revelation. While there is so much that I am learning I will quickly say a few. In a chapter that talks about agency and revelation he quotes a hymn that struck me. Here are the words: Know this, that every soul is free. To choose his life and what he'll be. For this eternal truth is giv'n That God will force no man to heaven.
That struck me in a way even though I have known about the gift of agency for a long time, but I never thought much about it until that last line. We have to choose to return to Him and choose to do what it takes to return to Him. Choose, what a powerful word.
Also when it comes to revelation first it is up to the Lord when, where, how, and to who he gives revelation to. It is in his time table. Also the part in this book that says we have to do things to receive revelation. In the scriptures He tells us to meditate, hearken, hold fast to, fest upon, lay hold upon, search diligently, and treasure up. Those are action words, things we need to do to prepare our hearts, mind and spirit to receive revelation. We have to also figure it out ourselves, decide if it is right and then ask. I think we get confused about how that works and expect Him to just tell us, but we have to do the work to learn wisdom. In my job we teach children by setting up activities to allow them to explore and learn for themselves. We guide them to ask questions and to experience it to learn. In a way that is kind of the same thing, but the Lord is the ultimate teacher and our body and spirits are learning important things to help us not just in this life but the next as well. Cool thing to realize, huh?
There is so much more that I am learning from this book. It is teaching me a lot about how to gain revelation and that sometimes He wants us to develop self reliance. Awesome stuff!!! So that is what Amy has learned this week.

True Happiness is.......

2011-01-23T19:38:00.003-07:00

I realized I know what true happiness is. Back story I will say quickly, so I have battled with depression when younger. I just was not happy with my life. So I know what if feels like to be sad a lot. The last year and a half I have been mostly happy and I discovered that true happiness is not being bubbly all the time or smiling a lot or being blissful all day every day. While those are feelings or actions of being happy, but they are moment feelings. The feelings that last only for a while that, unfortunately, fade. Then what is true happiness you are asking???? Well I feel it is peace!!! Having that peace inside truly is real happiness. To be at peace with life, who you are and where you are going is true happiness. The way I have felt this true happiness was letting the Lord, my Savior Jesus Christ completely in my heart. I lived a long time with kind of letting Him in, but it wasn't until I let Him all the way in that I felt this pure joy that I had never felt in my life before. That peace and comfort that only He can give is amazing. It doesn't mean that I don't ever feel sad once and a while about some disappointments in life, but I feel them and let them go. I don't dwell as much because I have learned that those disappointments happen so I can learn. Peace is happiness and I am experiencing it. Well that is another random thought from my brain that I have decided to share with whoever reads about my boring but wonderful life. Hope you have enjoyed and maybe discovered something great or discovered that this girl is really strange. Oh well I am happy being strange!!!!

New year New goals

2011-01-01T11:57:00.003-07:00

Last year my goal was to make it to the Temple. Did that and received much joy by continuing to go every week. That was they only goal I had, so this year I have goals in different areas in my life. First spiritual goals are continue to work on recognizing the spirit. I am great at it when it comes to teaching in church, in my other calling, and knowing the gospel is true, but guiding me in my personal choices and life, not so much. Huge example, me feeling so strongly that Andy was my eternal companion. Don't know how I felt as strongly as I did and it not be right, so that has not helped me to trust myself and knowing what is right or not in my personal decisions. Anyways working on that as well in depth and enriching scripture studies. Physical goals to run a 5K in a few months and to finally get my eating habits stable so I can get the rest of this weight off. I work out everyday, but that is not enough for the last 30lbs, so food is the final key. As well giving up my beloved Dr. Pepper, tears are in my eyes about that. :) Being a better person goals are learning to listen. Those who know me I am a talker so I want to be a better listener. My friends have said that they love that I talk but I really think I should be better at listening because I want to be a better friend. Lastly, I need to work on not swearing so much. I go through spurts in my life where I swear a lot or not at all. Now it has gotten to the point that I am not aware I am swearing and that bothers me. My fave words are the S-word, B-word, an occasional A-word and the one I say the most, good hell. So I don't think that keeps myself in tune when I keep saying "good hell" or the s-word in the car, at gym is where i mostly say them, or sometimes in casual conversation. So those are my goals this year. Wish me luck and Happy New Year everyone!!!

Christmas is the best!

2010-12-25T21:35:00.002-07:00

What a great Christmas. It was spent with family, food and the Spirit. Nothing is better than those three things. I received great presents this year. A new coat which was very much needed, a statue of my fave princess Sleeping Beauty(thanks Camille), a story about Christmas story by my father, and a book called 21 Days Closer to Christ. My nieces and nephews reminded me how exciting Christmas can be and remembering what it is to be a child. I love having young children around now at Christmas. They make it so fun.
So my pondering of this day to celebrate the beginning of the Savior's mission on earth has been a happy one. Yes the birth is important, but it is how He lived and taught that is important. Also His death and Resurrection that is wonderful as well. But today was the day to remember that glorious night our Savior came down to redeem all men. How amazing that night must have been to see this baby be born who in 33 years would suffer and die for all man would be able to return to our Father in heaven. He came knowing He would suffer to pay our debts from our sins and make it possible to be able to repent. I love the Savior and am in continuous awe of Him. I am looking forward to this book to help me stretch and grow more spiritually. I have grown a lot spiritually already this year, but I know I have so much more to go. I want to push myself more to be in tune. Even though I can say now that I no longer just believe in the Savior, but I know He lives. I know and He is my best friend, but I want to know more and be closer to Him so I can serve Him better and do His work better. There is this quote by C.S Lewis in the beginning of this book that struck me. It says, "You are embarking on something which is going to take the whole of you". What a wonderful and scary thing to know. I am excited, but know I am going to be pushing myself to grow in ways that may seem hard or uncomfortable, but it will be worth it and it will be beautiful in the end. So that is what I have pondered this Christmas and looking forward to growing more. Merry Christmas friends!

Trying to lose the rest of this weight sucks!

2010-12-19T20:09:00.006-07:00

I have been trying to lose weight on and off for about two years now. I have lost almost about 80lbs now, but I am 30lbs away to the goal i want. I started off wanting to get down to a size 16, but now I am so close to being so that I changed it to get to a size 12. Today I put on a dress I haven't worn since 2002 and it fit. I got excited after a lot of hard work is paying off, but it is still hell. I am changing not only exercising almost everyday, but my eating habits. The hardest thing for me is giving up Dr. Pepper. I love, love, love my Dr. Pepper. I have 3 a day, I know that is horrible, but I used to drink 6, so i have improved. I hope you will give me some credit on trying to conquering this addiction!:) Now I am giving it up. I bought 5 12 packs yesterday and when those are gone no more Dr. Pepper for me. A sad, sad day in my life, but I have to for my health and weight loss. I also have been working on my eating habits that I have had for 20 years. That is hard, but I am determined to be a healthy person. I don't want to be super skinny, just healthy. Also my friends and family are pushing me to run a 5K. So I think that is going to be a goal I set for myself even though I loathe running with a huge passion!!!!! But with that said, it is a good clear goal for me to just try. I am getting huge on just trying and giving things a chance lately. I did that with the Gospel two years ago, to try to live it fully and not partly, and now look how I have changed and grown into this happy, calmer person. I think it is important to do all you can in this life and live it. So fat on my body that is being so stubborn to come off. You have been warned that this is going to be the biggest battle yet. I just wish you would be more of a team player like you were for the first 70lbs. That fat came off fast, but no, now you have to be difficult. Well I can be too!!! Wish me luck everyone!!!

Spiritual Milestones

2010-12-07T20:41:00.005-07:00

I was thinking a lot about milestones in every aspect of life lately (have not been sleeping well so my mind is thinking a lot. I just hope people who read this don't think I am oh so serious now because again I am very balanced. I am just growing a lot spiritually this year, crazy fast. I am making up for all those years I screwed around :)). It is funny where my brain goes to tie up random thoughts I have had through out many weeks. One of my primary kids got baptised over the weekend and I thought she is now having one of the spiritual milestones that we must have in life to learn from and get to the next step. My uncle who passed away is having another spiritual milestone by going on to the next life. I had a milestone 8 months ago by receiving that awesome gift of my endowments in the temple. Those are all amazing happy milestones that we get to experience in this life and even in the next. We also have to have those sad milestones. A few weeks ago I was in Deseret Book looking around. For those who know me I am not a person who usually cries. I am not emotional at all, that being said I was looking at all the amazing pictures of the Savior. My heart was full of love then I saw the painting called Against the Wind by Liz Lemon Swindle. I started to get teary eyed right there in the store. Why you ask, a girl who rarely cries unless I am really hurting, well I looked at that painting and I know exactly how that feels to be drowning and our Savior is holding on to you, trying to hold you up. Trying to pull you out, grasping so hard, being so scared and to be lifted up finally embracing my Savior. I have such a love for my big brother. He is my best friend and I am eternally grateful to Him for holding on to me and never letting go. Every time I think of Him or see a painting of Him I get teary eyed which I love but also find strange since again I have never ever been like this until recently. My family teases me about it. I guess it is funny to see how I have changed :). Anyways as embarrassing as that story may be the other day it hit me that we also have to hit that hard trial and know what it feels like to have the Lord hold on to you even when you want to let go, He never will. He may loose His grip a little because sometimes we need to fight on our own, but He is there supporting us. Anyways it is another spiritual milestone that we all have to have to grow spiritually. As crappy as it can be, but it is for our own good. My last thought is we all have to allow our hearts open to for us to hit our milestones, but our Lord also gives us many chances to do so. If we miss it once, He will allow us to do it again until we get it. We are all our on our own awesome journey of learning. I am glad of this because I remember when I was in my early 20's and I could have hit one and I didn't until recently. If He gave us only one chance, man I would be screwed!!! So this is what happens when random thoughts become one in the strange, but pretty cool brain of Amy. ( I just hope it makes sense to all of you because it always makes sense to me, but i do get that others may get lost.)

A Milestone in my Career

2010-12-03T21:41:00.003-07:00

I have hit a major achievement in my career, so before I reveal what it is I first have to thank some people. First my high school teacher who took me to a child care facility knowing that I would be good at teaching children and helped me get my first teaching job. Second all the kids I have taught over the years, without you this would not be possible. Third, all the teachers who have trained me and helped me become the teacher I am today and I am continuing to grow and learn from other professionals. So what is this milestone I have made in my 11 years of teaching young children you ask? Well as of today I have potty trained my 200th child. Yes, I have trained 200 young children how to use the toilet. Crazy huh? I did the math today during my lunch. I was bored and I just had a kid today who got the hang of it and so I was like, hmm how many kids have I potty trained? Truly an accomplishment I will continue to brag about for the rest of my life and more children will be added to that number in the coming years. I know you are all jealous of my major accomplishment, I can feel it! :)
Also I realized I haven't really updated on me lately besides my spiritual things, so I thought I would take a moment to do so. Well, still socially awkward, but continuing to work on trying to be a little less. Not that I will ever be completely not awkward socially, but a little less would be super great. Also still working on losing these last 30lbs. Kicking my butt hard with slow results, but will continue to kick butt. Also after many years of not really having a celebrity crush because I really don't watch a lot of TV, but someone got me hooked on the show the vampire diaries and I fell fantasy in love with the actor on there. I really could stare at him all day and never get bored. I'm really not in love with him, I just like looking at him, so basically I am in visual lust with him. I don't want to know anything about him or any of that crap, again I just enjoy looking at him. I mean maybe I would like to make out with him once or twice and I think could die happy and completely satisfied with my life!! Just Kidding. So that is the update of me, still happy and truly loving my simple life that some may see as boring, but I live life with a great love and appreciation that is so simply perfect. Learning all I can, loving as much as I can, growing in scary new awesome ways as a human being, and just love being plain ordinary. I believe that being an ordinary person is truly extraordinary. I don't need to do a lot of amazing things to matter in this life. Loving and serving the Lord the best I can, being kind to others, work hard on everything I need to, and working on always trying to be the best person in this life is all I feel that matters. Life is good in the life of Amy!!!

A day to feel grateful

2010-11-25T10:39:00.002-07:00

Today is Thanksgiving and for those who know me I am a person who ponders a lot. I have been pondering about my great life. I really do have more than I probably deserve. I have a great family, even though I am the black sheep and they sure love to tease me, they love me and are there for me when I need them. I have a great job and work with great people. I have a great class this year who I just love. I love my callings Primary and even my hard one Young Single Adult rep. I am grateful for the pushing the callings give to me to be better and rely more on the Lord to help do his work. I find much joy and happiness in teaching the gospel, even when it gets hard, but I can not think of anything else I rather be doing. I am grateful to live so close to so many temples that I get to go to twice a week. I know that this is a huge blessing that I hope I will never take for granted. The temple has brought so much light into my life and has changed me I feel forever. I am grateful that I have loved and continue to be capable to love even when heartbreak happens that I can look on loving someone as a positive experience and to look past the heartbreak and see it as a experience I will never regret even when it turned out not the way I felt it would. I am grateful for my fears without them I wouldn't have a reason to keep pushing myself to be better and to conquer them. Lastly I am grateful for my Savior. His love and grace has saved me and I will always be grateful for that. I would not have this joy in this life without Him and I will never forget that He has a great hand in my life. I love Him with all my heart and gladly serve Him in every way I can. What a truly blessed life I have. Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Families are Forever

2010-11-16T18:58:00.004-07:00

These last two weeks have been a sad one and yet happy at the same time. My uncle Mike had a stroke during his surgery to fix a broken bone. He was recovering and was put in a care facility where they forgot to clean his catheter and he went into septic shock. He could not recover and sadly he passed away last night. I am sad, but it is harder to see my mom go through losing her brother before she expected it. During these last few weeks I have had some pretty amazing experiences. After his surgery and before we knew things were going to get better at that time and before the septic shock, we visited. I was sitting there thinking how sad this was when I felt my Grandpa Burt's spirit enter the room. At first I was like, wait am I really feeling this. I then began to cry and knew it was real. I asked if it was him and I heard a voice say, "yes I am here". Freaked me out, but not scary freak out, freak out that I am not used to this. I have been somewhat in tune before and not in tune at all. To now be in tune, (not fully in tune but in tune for this), I am getting used to it. Then last week when we knew my uncle was going to die we went to visit him in his home. In that room I felt my grandma now. She was there strongly and when leaving I let my cousin know. While I was telling her I got a very strong impression to tell my cousin that my Grandma loved her. Again, freaked out because I am not used to it. If only I was in tune to other things that would help life choices would be a little easier and know for a fact what I am feeling is right, but I know these thing grow line upon line. I am grateful to be in tune to some things and I know that the reason is because I go to the temple every week. It helps me be in tune to those things spiritual. Being able to be in tune to my grandparents again proves that families are together forever through our Heavenly Father's plan, as the primary song says! I love that I have this knowledge and KNOW it is true. I am grateful for that knowledge. So I am sad my uncle has passed but know he is with his awesome parents again and is no longer suffering. I love my family and grateful that I have an opportunity to be with them forever. What an awesome promise God has made us if we work hard to do our best in this life. I love it!!! I ask those to pray for my cousins and aunt on losing my uncle so unexpectedly, but I know the Lord will give them peace and comfort as they mourn. Again I love my family and I wish them nothing but love and comfort during their grief. Families are Forever!!!

(so I know I have only posted spiritual things on here, but really nothing much is going on in my easy, simple, great life but these great spiritual things. I really do have other things going on and I am not church and God all the time. I am well balanced just in case anyone was wondering. But the Gospel is my main priority in life. I lived a life too long with making it only just a little and I am never going to make that mistake again because I have never been happier until I started making it a main priority. Just had to throw that in there because I realized I have mostly talked spiritual, not that that is wrong, but wanted to make sure people knew I am balanced. :) )

Razzlemadazzle Award

2010-11-01T19:57:00.002-06:00

So today I received the Razzlemadazzle employee of the Month nominated by my co workers. I thought it was sweet of them to think of me. I get one hour extra for lunch or leave an hour early. Plus my awesome co worker, who knows me too well, made me an awesome Russian hat. I love it!!! So I thought I would type on here what my co workers said about me because it really was sweet and very unexpected. I am used to being in the background because that is how I work, but it was nice to see that they do notice all I do for them because I really do care for them and their happiness.

What they said:
Amy is committed to making the center better.
Amy goes above and beyond to benefit others.
Amy is always willing to support her teachers. She is enthusiastic with supporting her co workers, her students, and the center program as a whole.
Amy takes initiative.
Amy is always willing to help you professionally and personally.
Amy takes on the nasty work to make the center better.
Amy donates her time to others.
I see Amy talking to everyone and showing interest in other teachers and what is going on with them. She is so amazing in the classroom and in being so willing to take on extra projects that make our center better. Not only did she take on a huge project by doing the library, but she was also ready to organize our Friday treats to make it fun and fair for everyone.
Amy is an excellent person and I am glad she is here!
For her work in the library
Amy is donating her time to organize the library. That is a huge multi-person project.

Thanks to my co workers for all they said, but I do it all for them not me to receive praise. I hope that they realize how special they are to me and I want the to know how amazing they all are as teachers and human beings. Plus I love my Russian Hat!!! I will treasure it always. The small stuff is what is the best.

A few can make a big difference

2010-10-29T19:16:00.004-06:00

Wednesday was the night planned for going to the temple to do Baptisms with Young Single Adults. This is something I feel is important to get them to gain a strong testimony of the temple. I was sitting there waiting and waiting for people to show up. Finally one of our leaders showed up and then the other leader showed up with his daughter and her boyfriend. He told us one other person was coming. Leader number 1 I will call him, started saying that maybe we should not go. That he didn't feel comfortable going with so little people. I said I feel that we should go still. That even though there were few of us we would most likely do 10 baptisms and 5 confirmations. That is 15 people each that we could help. The other leader, number 2, said that I would hate for us not to go, but we didn't have any family names and though the temple said they would have names for us, but he felt like we shouldn't go because we should of had the names. I then felt to say that it is wrong not to go. That we took this appointment from another group who could of gone, said we would be there, and they prepared names for us and to then not show up after all that is not good at all. I kept pushing, nicely, for 20 minutes that we should just go and do what we could. Finally the leaders agreed and we went off to the Bountiful Temple, my fave! While doing the confirmations the workers came in. The other girl and I had done 10 confirmations each by this time and the men were doing theirs, 10 each. The temple workers said that since we were the last group that we had to do some evening out. So he gave me and the other girl 15 more names each for confirmations and we did 5 baptisms each. The men got about 10 more confirmations each and did 20 baptisms each. That is 190 people who's work got done that night with 4 men and two women!!! It goes to show you that a few can do a lot of the Lord's work and make a difference. When we got back to our cars leader number 2 said to me, "thank you for helping us make the right choice by pushing us to go. It was the right thing to do." The thing is it is not me, but the Lord working through me. Although He didn't give me the words to say or give me strong impressions to push, but He has allowed me feel the power of the temple, has allowed my heart to be touched so by the Temple and to know how important the temple is. I know I have said it before and I will say it again, I love the temple!!!! I love serving the Lord there and doing the work. I have never felt so much joy until the day I received my endowments and for most of these 7 months have gone mostly twice a week or on some busy weeks just once. I have only missed 3 weeks at not going at all. I am not saying look how great I am because I am not. I am a very flawed human being, but I am grateful that I am worthy to go to the house of the Lord and serve him. I am simply saying that I know that if you go often you will feel this joy that I didn't know was possible. You can make a difference in those spirits lives who did not receive this great gift themselves in this life. They are waiting so patiently for us to do it. Anyways although I am a little sad that not many showed up and I have a lot of work to do, plus I was a little irritated I had to convince my leaders to go, but we did go and we made a difference that night. I am just going to have to fast and pray to figure out what I can do to help the ones who are living now on earth to gain a strong testimony of the temple as much as I have. I know it is mostly up to them, but I feel a little push couldn't hurt, right? I just want people as happy as I am. As President Uchtdorf has said, " You don't have to be perfect to go to the temple, but the temple can perfect you." I love that and know I feel like I do a little bit better in life and work a little harder to be better in life because of the temple. It has calmed me down as my family has constantly pointed out to me. It has given me confidence, happiness, love and so much more. I love who I am becoming because of the temple in my life. The Amy before was ok, but who I am becoming is who I have always meant to be. I thank my Lord and Savior for helping become who I am now. I couldn't be this happy and doing His work as much as I am doing without His hand in my life. The Lord can to that for you too if you just let Him in and allow Him to help guide your life and push you to reach your full potential. I know I am far from my full potential, a great distance away, but I am looking forward to see what happens in my life to help me get there. Also I know it is not always going to be pleasant and it is not always going to be easy, but I know whatever happens is necessary for me to get where the Lord needs me to be and that is what I always need to remember. It is easy now to remember since my life is going great, but when it gets hard I need to remember this.

I am Rich!!!

2010-10-23T10:44:00.003-06:00

In institute on Wednesday we came across a scripture that spoke to me. It is in the Book of Mormon 2 Nephi chapter 9 verse 50 "Come, my brethren, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters; and he that hath no money, come buy and eat; yea, come buy wine and milk without money and with out price." Then in verse 51 it says, "wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy. Hearken diligently unto me, and remember the words which I have spoken: and come unto the Holy One of Israel, and feast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted, and let your soul delight in fatness." ( i put my fave words in bold) I love this scripture. It is so true that the Gospel of Christ is sweet like wine (well i have never tasted wine, but i have heard it is sweet) and rich like milk. It is offered to us all, poor, middle class or rich. Young or old, anyone may drink of this wonderful love, forgiveness, joy, and beautiful light it brings to your life. You just have to accept it. I am so grateful to have been born into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and not have to go far looking for this joy. I just had to be ready to accept it fully and yes it did take me a long time to fully accept it, but I did and I have never been happier. I had to go through this journey to get to the point when my heart was ready and willing to accept this great gift. I am glad I finally made that choice to drink. I didn't know how thirsty I was until 2 years ago and I had only drank a little until then. I am always going to be thirsty to drink more, but I am going to drink up as much as I can and do the best I can. I don't feel the Lord asks much of us, in fact I feel he has given us some pretty reasonable expectations. Also I am grateful that I have never been materialistic. I am grateful that I have had comfort more than most and some may think I am poor, but I am rich with the Gospel in my life. I need nothing more than that. If one day the Lord asks me to give what I have up to serve him, I gladly will because again it is all I need in this life. I am gaining this great love for the Book of Mormon in this class. I have always believed that they are words from God, but I am gaining a knowledge for myself that they are the words of God. I am looking forward to learning more throughout the rest of my life of this amazing gift and guide our Savior has given us. I am not the best at scripture study because I take things too literal, but that is something I am working through to truly understand what the words teach, but I do know that they are important words and words of love. This my goal to do my best to study every night and that is something I am working on too is to make it a nightly thing. I love the scriptures, but I have to make my day fit around studying them not study them if I remember or hurry. I need to truly study it. So I am rich!! Some may not see it that way, but I feel that way, so that is all that matters.

Dating

2010-10-18T19:54:00.005-06:00

I know a few weeks ago I said I didn't want to date, but something has happened that changed that. I got hit on by a cute guy in my institute class. At first I didn't realize he was until after he walked away. It has been a while since I have noticed that stuff because I was so focused on that gut feeling that Andy was going to be my husband that i stopped paying attention. Anyways the guy was very cute, but he was young. Although nothing may come from it, but I hope something does because I want to enjoy dating again, it made me realize I am mostly scared to go through what Andy put me through. I don't want to feel not good enough ever again. Andy made me feel that way by pulling me in than pushing me away. Saying he thinks about marrying me to then say he only saw me as a friend. By saying he loved me but for reasons I would never know it couldn't be. Or saying he works to forget about me and could stare at me all day and never get bored. He confused me a lot. Anyways, people say Andy was a user or a jerk, but I choose to see that he just didn't know what he wanted. I could feel that way because maybe I'm afraid to see that he was a jerk in fear of realizing what a loser I have been to have wasted so much time and love on him. There is not a doubt that I loved Andy a lot, but that love made me lose myself and I tried so hard to prove I was good enough. He is not totally to blame for this. Just only half to blame. I wasn't living the best way at the time and I acted needy a lot and wasn't myself really, so that didn't help with the situation. I am not too proud of that, but I am now back to me. I am happier, confident, more spiritual, more in tune, and more physically active in working out everyday. Andy made me feel insecure about myself. I want to believe he loved me, I mean I feel strongly he did, but I will never know and now it really doesn't matter. I hope he is happy in his marriage. That is all i want for him even after how he treated me. I want him to have the life he wants and I hope that makes him happy. Even if he was a "jerk" as people say. Anyways I know I am a great catch and I need to show that. I am smart, funny, devoted to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints more than i have ever been (I love the gospel), I am unique, and so much more. Plus I am losing more weight and I am hotter than I have ever been. I was hot when I was chunkier, but getting even hotter. I know it is impossible to imagine because I have always been hot stuff, but it is true i am getting hotter! Anyways I am not going to be scared of having another Andy relationship again. If the guys I date don't realize how great I am that is their loss and I will drop them fast. I am not going to make the mistake to hold on to a guy who doesn't deserve me or appreciate me like he should. Andy never did but I think Andy married a great girl. Well I am guessing because I never met her and he never talked much about her when we went out eight months ago, but he did date me, so we know he has good taste. So no more fear and just going to have fun and enjoy dating again!! Yeah me!

My Brain and wish for it

2010-10-11T21:18:00.002-06:00

I really dislike that I am socially awkward. I have this great brain that sees the world in a different way. I think strange thoughts and it is a wonderful thing, but what good are these great thoughts when I cant express them eloquently? It is very annoying that I can not express myself in words at all and sound "special" when speaking. In my head I sound brilliant, but when it comes out of my mouth, not so much. It is very hard when I have so much I want to give and do, but I cant express my feelings about it without being misunderstood. Why could I not have been blessed with that great skill to sound smart like I know I am. So I was thinking what I could do to improve this flaw I have and cant think of what would work. So either I live with it or figure out how to speak eloquently. For example I am basically a missionary with the Young Single Adult group and even though there are days I dont want to go door to door, I do it because it is the Lords work. After I do it, like yesterday, I feel great and see the need for what I am doing. The problem is that how am I suppose to help the young singles if I cant express to them in ways they can relate? Luckily I have an 18 year old boy who is getting ready for a mission who is my partner to help, but he is leaving in a few months. I need to work on this I know, but how? So here is my plan 1: have confidence, I mean I am pretty confident mostly, but not with social things. I am confident of who I am, but not when showing who I am to others, so need to work on that. 2: practice thinking before talking. There is nothing worse than thinking about a social situation after it happens and realize all the things that came out didnt come out the way you wanted. That happens alot to me. 3: lastly pray for help. I know the Lord will help me with something I want to improve. He will help me grow and make my flaws a little better. One thing that will help is my new positive attitude in life. I get frustrated, but I know I can work on it and that is great to work on being better at things you find you lack in. I fully will be the first to admit I lack in social skills. So me, my great brain, and my mouth are all going to work together on improving Amy to be better and less socially awkward. I know I will never fully not be socially awkward, but being a little less is better, right?

My love for Russia and the former Soviet countries

2010-10-03T15:24:00.002-06:00

I know I have just recently posted something, but I had to share this. Today during the conference break I watched a program about the Ukrainian Temple. The first two minutes I was teary eyed. I love that part of the world. My love for the people comes from a place that I do not know where it came from or understand yet. I feel that I am a part of them or going to be a part of them one day. They have such wonderfully strong testimonies and such simple faith that I feel is lost at times here in Utah. These people have been through so much and continue to go through so much, but yet they have this amazing compassion, faith, and love that is inspiring. They understand hard work and sacrifice that a lot of us can not comprehend, but they are so strong and faithful. I am so happy for these people to finally have a working temple in their midst. I know they will not take it for granted. The work that is going on there is so important and they get that. My heart is touched by the love these people have for the Lord and His work. It took 12 years until they got the temple, but they were determined to make it happen. I can't wait until the day I finally get over there. I really want to live there and work with those people in serving the Lord. I can't wait until I finally can afford to visit there and be where I feel I am meant to be. I can't wait until I can go to that temple and do a session there. I hope I will be around when the Lord feels Russia is ready for a temple. I want to be there, if that happens, when it is dedicated. These people's love, dedication, and faith should be examples to us all. I know I get made fun of for my passion for these people, but know that I do have a deep love for them and again looking forward to going there eventually.

My happy life without dating or loving someone

2010-10-02T18:19:00.003-06:00

I am just amazed at how happy I have been. 6 months straight and going strong. I remember last year at this time Andy told me he was getting married and how devastated I was. Now I am happy and so in love with my life. I haven't seen or talked to Andy since we went out in February for his birthday. As nice as that night was and it was nice for closure too, but it was dumb for me to do it since he was engaged. Anyways, now it is nice to see how much happier I am without having him in my life. I will always have a special place for him in my heart, but I realize that he is happy and that is all that matters. Now that I am over him and yet I still don't want to date. I just have no desire to get out there and deal with all that crap. I am just enjoying being with friends/family, going to the temple twice a week, reading my scriptures, learning from the scriptures, my job, and so much more. I am excited to keep growing and improving myself that I don't really want to bring in the stress of dating and relationships. Maybe that is wrong, but I feel that is right for me at this time. I just want to enjoy and explore this new life of happiness I have. To try new things and just live a life that I don't take for granted anymore. I am not perfect and I have so much to learn and so much growing to do, but this journey I am on is the path I want to be on because it is the path the Lord wants me on. He really does know what is best for me and it does bring joy into life. I know this to be true because I am experiencing it now. Joy is my feeling in life and my new fave word. It truly is a word that describes my life now. Trying to do your best to live the gospel fully really does change your life for the better. I have such a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know it is true without a doubt. Now onward I go learning and serving my Lord and growing finally to who I am and need to be. Life is awesome!!! and without dating!!!! (can i say joy anymore in one paragraph without sounding annoying? eh, oh well I am just expressing my feelings, so if you are annoyed shame on you for being annoyed with my joy!! but also sorry too!!!)

New family member and maybe new career?

2010-09-26T19:05:00.004-06:00

This week started off with the birth of my new nephew Jacob Jared. Parents are my older sister and her husband. He is so cute and tiny. I love him so much already. Trying to figure out what nickname to give him. Erin is bushka, Seth is mal'chik which is Russian for little boy, and McKenzie is burunduk which is Russian for chipmunk. I think I will wait to see what his personality is like before I decide. Another thing that has come up in my mind is a new career one day. First I would like to say I love my job. Teaching young children has been an enriching experience. I also feel I have grown in many ways and I am good at it. This whole new thought about maybe changing started two weeks ago. I am taking an institute class on the Book of Mormon. I am scripture dumb to be honest, but I am enjoying learning in this class and working hard to understand. I was listening to my teacher and this thought came to me, "you want to do this". I at first thought, what? Me? I am not known for knowing the scriptures and I dont think I could do it. The next few days I pondered about it and felt that this is where I need to head eventually. I love the gospel and to teach it will be the best thing ever. I think once I get some studying down and finish paying off my debts, ( i know i will not be paid much to be an institute or seminary teacher), that I should work towards this. I want to help young people understand the gospel better and help them gain a love for it as I have these last few years. I think me being young at times emotionally helps me connect to young people and for some strange reason they trust me quickly. So this is what I feel I need to work towards in my life. It is not going to happen anytime soon, but I feel if I work hard and want it I have a chance at it. I don't think any other job will do besides what I am doing now. So we shall see what the future brings and looking forward to working towards this. If this is where I feel the Lord wants me to go then it will work out.

The Lord's Work

2010-09-07T21:14:00.002-06:00

Sunday I woke up feeling that I was going to feel inspired to bare my testimony, so I prayed to my Heavenly Father that I did not want to. It is not that I dont love sharing my testimony, but he has been having me do it a lot these last few months. He told me in a blessing to do so, but I didnt think it was going to be almost every month. Anyways, so got to church and felt that I needed to. I really did not have a lot to say and most of it was random thoughts. I mentioned like I always do my love of the Temple and its work, my new calling(the fear it brings), and I am far from perfect. So just random thoughts and I bet more people think I am strange socially, which I am. After that went to teach primary, which I love and after that a woman came up to me. She told me that her two daughters should be on my list and we discovered that they were not. She told me they are having a hard time coming to church and may need a push. I find it amazing how the Lord works and how important it is to be in tune. If I didn't go up I would not have their names and wouldn't go visit them on our door to door campaign. (i feel like such a missionary, which is great since i didnt go because I thought i would have lost Andy, but lost him anyways :) ). I remember the blessing my brother gave me a few weeks ago about my fear of this calling and the social aspect of it. Social things are my weakness I admit. Anyways he said, "this is not your work but my work and my work will be done." I pondered about that yesterday and realized the Lord was saying if you are not going to do it I will give it to someone who will. I realized at that moment I wanted to be the one who did it and grow in my weaknesses. Also to receive that joy from doing the work. There are two kinds of people in the church, those who do the work or those who watch the work be done. I want to be the one who does it. I love doing the work. It is hard but I love it because I have such a testimony of the Gospel. I know this is the complete truth and living it brings happiness. I only half way lived it before and I not perfect, ( far from it, i mean I do have a mouth on me), but doing my best to live it has brought me so much joy. It has changed me for the better and I am so much happier than I ever have been. I love my life and humbled everyday by the gifts I have. I dont think I will ever make up for my past and taking for granted this life I have, but I will work hard to a least make up for some of it. I have this great comfortable, balanced life with a great job as well as an awesome family and friends. So my last thought is let us all work hard to do the work and not watch. I promise you that you will find joy serving the Lord. The Lord gives you these things to prepare you and to help you grow into what he needs you to be. We all have this great potential to be great servants to our Heavenly Father and I hope we all will try.

My New Goal

2010-09-01T08:18:00.003-06:00

So on Sunday I went to a fireside where the amazing Sherri Dew spoke. She talked about influences and what influences your life. My life now has been influenced a lot by the Temple. It has changed me for the better. She talked about finding out your purpose in life and what the Lord wants you to do. I recently got called to be the Young Single Adult Rep in my home ward. So I am still in my primary calling, but I have this other one. This one scares me to death. I have to do things and put myself in situations that I have avoided for most of my life. I have to contact 73 people who are young single adults in the ward, but only 6 of them go to church. I am going to have to go door to door, put myself in awkward situations when someone slams the door in my face. Having said this I know I have to do it and I will do it because it is the Lord's work not mine. He is having me do this to prepare me for whatever else he has planned for me. I am not married at this time to help find people or just someone to show them how much the Lord loves them and wants them to know of him. He is teaching me skills I thought I never would have and doing things I never would do. I am doing things that have scared me most of my life, but I am loving it. He is pushing me to be where he needs me to be. The other mission I have is to get the young single adults to gain a love for the Temple. I feel so strongly that if they keep going and gain this love and excitement that they would have more strength to fight all the things they are being tempted with. We had our first temple day on Saturday and only three showed up. I am not worried though because that means I have more work to do. I have such a strong testimony of the temple and its power and of its importance. Work and knowledge is important and the keys to a better life. I know this to be true. So I have work to be done. Knowing how is something I am figuring out, but I am doing the Lord's work and I am his instrument so I am in good hands.

Camping

2010-08-15T20:08:00.002-06:00

So i went camping during my birthday. I love camping and i wish i did it more often. I love going up into the mountains, fresh air, all the trees, animals and I love the night sky. You forget about all the stars here in the city. One thing I loved was getting up before sunrise and hiked up to the lake. I enjoyed watching the suns light touching the tip of the mountains and then spreading all over the mountain giving it this great light. I I can relate that to Heavenly Fathers and Jesus Christ's love for us. We are this mountain craving light and we stand there firmly and strong he slowly shines on us. The firmer in place we are the more light we receive. Sometimes the light is cover with clouds of darkness, but if we again hold strong and firm the light will find us again. I hope this makes sense. In my head it does, but we all have times where we don't understand what goes on in this unique brain of mine. Mostly staying firm in the gospel gives you light. I know this to be true from my own experiences. The more we hold strong the more light we can feel. It is going to rain and be dark with mistakes, but I promise the light will return if you work hard at staying strong.
Camping can be a fun and dirty and wonderful experience to be enjoyed with yourself and family, but it is also amazing to see all to the glory in God and this world. We can learn a lot about life, the gospel, and grow spiritually by taking the time to watch and ponder at all it can teach us. Let us all try and live in the light. I promise you will find joy as I have.

My love for the Temple

2010-07-29T19:23:00.003-06:00

So I know not so long ago I wrote about how I have changed by going to the Temple, but this week I realize how much I love the Temple. Monday I went to a YSA home evening where they talked about the symbolism of the outside of the Temple. I loved this even though for a few minutes I got a little sad and stupid for a silly reason about a stupid boy getting married there (not too happy with myself that i felt that way,but oh well), but snapped out of it to really look at the Temple. I loved learning more about all the details that this temple has. How it ties in with the Gospel. My heart and spirit was soaking it up and wanting to learn more. Yesterday I was driving to Jordan River Temple for my one of my twice a week sessions. There was a huge overcast in the sky and a tiny bit of light shone through. The only places in the valley the light touched was Oquirrah Mountain Temple and the Jordan River Temple. I thought how true that in darkness the Temple is where we can go for light we so desperately need sometimes. I am not in darkness anymore, but still appreciate that I can still feel that peace no matter what. That even though right now I am living in this light and I can feel it so much more ten fold. I also know when I am going to have more hard time that I can receive peace and comfort more than outside the temple. I didn't go once last week and I felt the difference that week. It wasn't like I was in despair but I felt like I didn't do something that makes me whole. Going to the Temple makes me feel whole and I am so grateful everyday that I made the changes I need to make and committed myself as much as I have because I have never felt so much joy. Looking forward to going a few times with my wonderful family and hopefully one day with the awesome man I am going to marry that is taking his sweet time to enter my life, but I am looking forward to when I can be sealed to him whoever he may be. So I will tone it down with the Temple talk because I know I talk about it a lot, but I truly do find joy because of it and I am all about spreading the joy!! I know this is why I am happier than ever. I am grateful for the opportunities I have to serve my Savior and I push myself to learn more and become stronger. I want to serve him well and do his work the best I can. I love my great life of love and service I get to have!!!

Things I am Grateful for

2010-07-24T08:55:00.003-06:00

These last few months I have never been happier in my life. Ever since receiving my endowments I see life in a whole new way. I find joy in things so small. A few years ago I could never do that. I have a blessed life. I wanted to list some the things I have been grateful for.I cant list all because that is too much.

1.Being born in a family who had the Gospel. Though I didn't truly commit myself until recently, but I have had the complete truth from the beginning of my life. I was taught about my savior and knew of him. That has meant a lot to me even when I wasn't doing everything I was suppose to do.

2. My family. We are a good little family who are close and love one another. We love and accept each other for who we are. That is such an important thing.

3. Having the physical needs. I have a house, job, food, and a body. I truly have been blessed there at having these things. The house may not be a mansion, but i have a roof over my head. My job may not pay much, but it is a rewarding one and I feel I am pretty good at it. My body I haven't taken the best care of, but i am changing that. It is a gift and I want to take better care of this gift.As sore as I get I know that this is going to better in the long run.

4. That I made better choices now. I am glad to have had some of my darkest times in my life. It made me appreciate the light I am living in now. I had to have those dark days, make some of the bad choices to experience and soak up the joy I am having now. Doesn't mean i am never going to mess up again because I will, but not as drastic as before. I am grateful I am worthy to go to the Temple and never going to take that for granted. I know I am going to have more hardships, but I look at them as things I need to learn. It is not fun going through them, but the end I see why and am grateful to have learned that lesson.

5. I am grateful that I love. I love my family. I love my friends. I love children. I have loved so much already in this life. I am glad, even when I was heartbroken, that I can see that gift I have had to experience all these kinds of love. Love is such a wonderfully great thing that can easily be turned into bitterness. I hope I can always remember this.

I have a great life and it took me sadly a long time to realize this, but i do now. That is all that matters. I know that my Heavenly Father's love and faith in me has changed my life for the better. I am not the same person I was and I love that I wake up feeling his love for me. I wake up appreciating everything more and wanting to serve him well as much as possible. He has done more for me than I sometimes feel that I deserve, but I try everyday to make up for my wrongdoings from my past. I look forward to the future in serving him and living this great life he has given me the best I can. I am truly grateful to be alive.

Touched in the Heart by The Choir

2010-07-17T18:15:00.004-06:00

So today I watched a show that comes from England. It is called The Choir and is about this young man who has a love for choir music. He wants to take a school in England that has no choir, train them, and enter them into the Choir Olympics in China. I am amazed at how the self esteem of children has gotten so bad. That these kids felt like no one believed in them and how that affects how they see themselves and how they live life. I watched how this one man who has had a pretty great life, been introduced to a lot of beautiful things in life and has a pretty busy life took the time to help these kids accomplish something they never thought possible. Just by believing in them changed their lives. They may not be the best singers ever or have a career in music, but he taught them the importance of believing in yourself and setting goals for yourself. That if you work hard and try your best, that you really can do anything. To have a good work ethic, team work, and believing in yourself, you can pretty much find joy even in the disappointments. I think we as a society don't help our children understand that and the importance of that value to have. That it is true in some things you do need to give up after a while, but not after you do everything that is possible to obtain it. So many people devalue their worth in life and give up. This breaks my heart. I know that if you have one person who truly believes in you, just one, that makes a difference in a child's life. I feel that this is so important and feel like I need to do something, but I don't know what I can do? Life is hard, but somehow we have lost teaching children how to deal with the up and downs. A lot of them feel entitled and don't want to work hard because what is the point. We need to fix this or we will have so many unhappy people in the future. Maybe I sound arrogant or not really aware of the world, but i am very passionate about this and feel I need to do something. I know I believe in me because my Heavenly Father does and through him and his support I can accomplish my desires and his will for me. I want to let others know this as well but also I want people who don't have the same beliefs as I do to feel that great feeling of believing in themselves. Everyone deserves to feel their worth in this life if they believe in Jesus Christ or not. They still need to know their worth in this life. Everyone has great potential no matter where you come from. It is up to us to help children to know this, but it is also up to them realize that and work at it. Even if we get a few that learn this then it has been worth it. I feel like I need to be part of something to help children or teenagers realize this, but what I need to do I know not at this moment. Anyone has ideas let me know. I hope I figure this out soon and try to help these kids who do not believe in themselves. They deserve so much more than some are given. So there are my thoughts of the day!!!

I love teaching Primary!!

2010-07-03T18:44:00.003-06:00

So today I got to see two of my primary children get baptized. They are only two out of 7 i have seen and every time I get teary eyed. I am so proud and so happy for them! How great a job I have to help these wonderful little beings prepare for such a wonderful gift. These kids know more about the Gospel than I did at their age. They crave it and know it. I am truly impressed every time I teach. I started my life long career in Primary three years ago and I know I am going to be a lifer. I don't mind because I feel this is where I can serve the Lord better. I love going to church and sitting in that Primary room and feeling the pure spirit there. A child's faith and eagerness to learn the Gospel should be examples to us all. I know that I am child like and being as such has allowed me to grow in so many ways that it is wonderful and scary at the same time. Even times it can be annoying because I feel like I cant relate to others well, but I rather be able to learn the Gospel better and a little faster than having friends and a ton of boyfriends. I am happy to teach and I am learning more than I think my class is learning every time I teach. I am looking forward to learning and teaching the children. I know this brings me so much joy!! Primary is where it is at. (watch now I have said this i am going to be called into Young Womens, the calling that I fear most. I dont know if I could handle teenagers, but I will go where the Lord needs me. I hope he really wants me to stay in Primary!:)

What i learned today by watching a movie

2010-06-26T13:53:00.002-06:00

This week for me has had a mixtures of emotions inside of me. I have felt angry, sad, heartbroken, numb, love, disappointment and lastly peace. It hasnt been all too pleasant i must say, but then today i watched a movie called How to Make An American Quilt. It may not be the best movie ever made, but after this week I needed this movie. It talks about different kinds of love and life choices. It is a reflections of these older women lives about choices and disappointments about love and acceptance of life. They loved spouses, children, friends, and family. Some stories they didnt end up with the one they loved and other ones did. The people we love may hurt us or disappoint us, but if we truly love then we forgive them. It made me see that love really is a gift. To love and be loved by family, friends, etc. really is something not to neglect or take for granted. There are times we get disappointed or things are not what they seem, but to remember that gift of love can so easily be looked over by all the bad feelings. I realize what I gift I had to love another human being for so long. To love the good and the bad of that person really was such a great thing. The relationship wasnt great at times it was miserable and messed up or not what i wanted it to be, but I loved someone and learned a lot from that love. I get so mad at the result of it or get lost in the disappointment that I lose sight of the greatness of loving someone even if it didnt work out. Although I probably would never know for sure, but I feel that he loved me once a long time ago and that he still cares for me. So I have been loved in my opinion, just not as I much as i loved him. I also realized the other love i have felt. I have felt my families love. Even though they dont get me or understand me or sometimes I feel i dont matter to them, i know they have loved me. Another love is from friends. I do tend to push people away, but having people check on me this week even though they may think it silly i was upset, they supported me. It meant a lot to know people cared. Another thing kind of love I am still working on is the love for myself. I love who I am most of the time, but somethings about me like, I guess you could say I am dramatic at times, but I call it someone who feels deeply. It can be annoying at times. Also I have been told I am unique and at times i love that, but it can be very lonely. I realize i should look at that as a gift. I may not have a lot of friends or people may not understand me, but I get to feel things in a way most do not and that is something not to hate, but to enjoy. It may mean i may break easily and that is what i need to work on, but I need to accept that things are not always going to work out the way i want. Lastly I have felt God's love for me. That has changed me in more ways than I expected. To feel His love for me has made me be able to get through things without feeling bitter for too long. It helps me accept things I probably may not understand, to do things I would not see myself doing. So I have had many gifts of different kinds of loves. I know there are people out there who dont get as much love as me and I hope i never take it for granted. Also we chose how we can see disappointments and heartbreaks. It sucks at times and it is hard. It may come back and hit me again, but I have a choice to dwell in the sadness or bitterness of it or to look at the beauty of it. I think I am going to choose the beauty of it, but i do have to feel that bitterness to see that beauty. I just choose not to dwell in it. I have such a love filled life and I am grateful for that gift to love and to love well even though things dont end the way i wanted it. So that is what I learned from an early '90s movie today.

poem

2010-06-25T17:43:00.003-06:00

So today my first love got married and it has been a rough week even though i thought i had mourned already, but i guess i had a little in me still. i wanted to write this last poem as the final feelings of it all. i dont know if it is good, but it is how i felt. enjoy!!

Today You Married Someone Else
Today you knelt across the alter
with the mirrors of eternity behind both of you.
You became sealed to be together forever.
I always thought that would be me,
looking at you with love and devotion across the alter,
while being sealed together and begin the great adventurous journey.
It would have been wonderful I feel.
Now
I am sad today for me,
I lost the person who I felt was it,
the one, the person who was enough
for me,
flaws and all.
I loved the whole you.
Today I also am happy
for you, the man i have loved.
You are with the one you feel
is it, the one, the person
who is enough for you.
You are happy.
I am happy for you
to begin your life with your love.
I feel at peace that what is done is done.
A peace i thought never would come.
I hope she loves you as much or more
than I did.
That she realizes how special you are
the way you are.
I hope she brings out the man you were meant to be
the incredible man you are capable of being.
I hope she loves the whole you, the good
the bad, the light, and the dark.
I love you and my heart is joyful for you
this day even though this day pushed out
the tiny jagged edged hope for us out
of my heart.
I love you so much that your happiness means
more to me than my own.
I am happy that I got to love you,
know this kind of love.
To know what it feels like that
someones happiness brings me happiness
even though I am not that one
to have been enough for you.
I go forth knowing that I have
grown so much better from
just loving you.
Be joyful , my first love,
on this day you married someone else.

Finally Closure!!

2010-06-09T14:01:00.004-06:00

So these last few days i have been in Zion National park. While away from home i tend to ponder a lot think about what I need to do to grow more as a person. So I decided to tackle the one thing i have been avoiding for a long time, letting go of my first love. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beauty. I had a lot of what I was feeling held up inside because one, i didn't want to deal with it and the other I had no one to talk to because everyone i love doesn't want to hear it because they were done hearing about it, which i don't blame them. Anyways, so i did something i haven't done in a while, write my feelings in poems. What a great experience for me to do that again. I am one of those people who once they get it out in the open it goes away. I let the anger, sadness, disappointment, questions, and truth out. My first love wasn't normal, it was different, maybe not what i thought it was, unhealthy at times, wonderful, sad, not all his fault and not all mine. It was my first love and it happened the way it did because of our choices and this is the consequences of them. That is not good or bad, it just is. So i wanted to type up a few to let them out and be done. Enjoy!!!

To Let You Go
To let you go means I will lose
the love I have felt.
A love that has been intense, strong, and grew every year.
To let you go feels like I am losing a part of myself,
a dear part of myself.
A part I liked because I loved loving you.
To let you go means to let go of the life I planned
with you, the life I wanted.
To let you go means I was wrong about you,
that I lied to myself about how you felt for me,
that you lied about your feelings.
You used me, lead me on, and to let you go
means I have to face that.
To let you go is closing something fun, lovely, messed up,
and not true.
To let you go means feeling nothing towards you and that is
why it is hard to let you go. I still care for you more
than I want to, but I need to face the truth. To move on means to let go, to go on without you, but I am with out you anyways. So I am letting go for me, for you because I love you and want you happy, but mostly for me because i deserve more.

Questions to God about Heartbreak
Is it wrong to be angry? at him, me,
you? was it me or him?
Is this my fault for some of my
choices?
Did she serve thee better than me?
I fought my way back and besides
happiness as my gift why
couldn't I have him too?
Was he wrong for me or
was I wrong for him?
Why did it feel so right for so long?
Did i lie to myself that he loved
me or did he?
When will I stop caring?
When will I stop missing him?
I can't help but blame
that I did not turn my
life around faster.
I feel like I was asleep for most of those years and now
I am awake I wish I had a chance still.
I feel robbed of something amazing because
of my sleeping.
Was it wrong to love him so long?
Was this the wrong kind of love and
will I love again?
I have a lot of questions I
wish you could answer, but
this may be one of those things
I will never understand.
Please help me to accept what is done.
Help me to move on, heal, give peace
of mind of my first
heartbreak.

Do I Regret You?

Do I regret you?
That is a hard question to ask.
I regret letting you treat me the way you did.
Always your way, never answering my questions when I questioned it,
making me feel silly when I did.
You pulled away when I asked for more but came back when I backed down.
I regret breaking down, letting myself get broken until I didn't recognize myself. For trusting your words of love when actions showed different and ignoring that fact.
Do I regret you?
I regret letting it go on as long as it did and grow as unhealthy as it grew.
Let me change the question now,
Do I regret loving you?
I saw myself wanting to make another happier than me. I wanted to do things for you without you expecting it because I love you.
I got to care about someone more than I thought possible, ahead of everything and everyone.
A love that was so deep and powerful that i never thought possible to feel that way.
I learned how to communicate and work on being more positive, and not afraid to live life, try new things.
Do I regret loving you?
No, even though you used me as your back up, broke my heart, lead me on, played with my emotions,
I do not regret loving you.
My love for you and you breaking my heart taught me how much to love and when it is not love in return.
I learned how I should allow myself to be treated and act healthier in a relationship.
So I do have regrets, but I got to love so deep, so intense, know I am capable of love even if it was not returned and that
is something not to regret.

Roots

The roots of my love for you
started in my heart,
slowly making its way down.
Twisting, winding, finding
a strong place to embed.
Years passed, deeper the
roots pushed,
firmer into the
core of me.
Sometime during those years
it lost strength
became loose
didn't fit well, but the roots stayed.
You never had roots for me
and now you are gone,
loving someone else,
flourishing with someone else
while my roots have to be pulled.
It is messy, painful, tearing up
the roots that have implanted
themselves deep inside me.
Not wanting to let of its tight
grasp it has made it's home for so long.
some of this mess is my doing,
some yours, but
the roots were there and must
come all the way out.
so I yank the roots of my love
Even though
the ground is being torn apart.
One day I will be able to
nourish new roots and
nurture them,
but now will continue to yank
until I am free of these roots
I have for you.

What i have learned about me by going to the Temple

2010-06-02T19:43:00.002-06:00

So I received my Endowments almost two months ago and I have never been happier. In the two months I have gone twice a week with my mom. A few years ago I didn't even dream I would even be going to experience this because I wasn't living the Gospel fully. I was doing it half way plus I was caught up in a unhealthy love for a man that, as I see now, was holding me back. The way I was living was not allowing me to love him in a healthy way. Anyways two years ago I decided to live the Gospel because I believed in the church, but not living it fully. I was not receiving all I could have had while living the way I was. It started slow and I gave up a lot of my behaviors that were not making me happy. It is hard to give up things you have made into habits after years of doing them, but I was determined. A year after that I felt I should work on trying to receive my endowments and a year, a long hard year, after that I was worthy to go through. Again that was an awesome day that i can not fully relay to anyone in words, but I was happy more than I have ever been before. So there is a back story on that. :) Now again I go twice a week and to feel that peace that I feel you can receive no where else is such a gift. First going and serving in a way I have never before has been wonderful. I have felt some with me as I do the work for them and that is very overwhelming at times, but wonderful. I can feel their joy which brings me joy. I also have felt calmer in my life and trying to be more understanding of others. At times I grow inpatient with church members, but I need to remember I was struggling once also and we are all on our own path on accepting things. I feel myself being a better person, which when I felt to put Andy and his fiance's name in the Temple last month was asking too much, but I still did it because I felt it was only right. He hurt me and used me, but he deserves to be happy. That is a hard thing to learn, but it is an important one to learn. I have learned that I can grow in more ways and capable of more than I think people expect of me, more than I think I expected of me. One thing I have felt sad for is that there are not more people going. I see more women than men which it is sad that the men's work is not being done as much as the women. Also I have yet to be in a completely full session. I have gone at nights, mornings, Saturdays and it saddens me that we are blessed to have so many Temples by us and they are not being used. I think maybe I may understand this because I have friends that live in other countries and don't have access to them. I know that they would give anything to go as much or more than once a week. I feel the blessings from going and how sad that people in Utah have such great access to those blessings, but do not use that advantage we have over the rest of the world. I love going to the Temple even when not going to seek comfort, but just going to serve. Though yesterday I was having a really crappy day and during I felt the peace, but after I left that peace left too. Went back to having a really hard night, but I did feel the joy in serving underneath my sadness. There is so much to be done and so much joy to be felt. I know this to be true. I am grateful for this and will always be grateful even though I don't understand some things now, but I will. My life hasn't been an easy one and I haven't helped in that, but that is changing now. I am going to have the life I need and not the one I wanted or expected. That is hard to accept to be honest, but I will see the big picture one day. I will still get some things I want, which is not a lot, but that one big thing I wanted I accept that it probably wouldn't have been as great as I imagined it to be. I loved him, but he never loved me as much and that would not have worked. I am glad that I had that heartbreak because it has brought me to the path I needed to be on and that is whats important. This last year has been a great growing experience and I know much of that growth comes from going and knowing the importance of Temple work.

Update of me

2010-05-04T08:04:00.003-06:00

So April was a pretty exciting month. I received my endowments on April 6th. What a wonderful day and i continue to feel the wonderfulness of that day. I go to the Temple twice a week. I can not see myself doing anything but going that much. What a gift to have and what love i have felt. I have never been happier. People say i am calmer and I feel a calmer presence in my life. I feel myself growing more and more each day.
The next wonderful thing is my niece McKenzie was born. Man she is a cutie. My little sister is an awesome mom. I am looking forward to watching her grow into a wonderful human being. We also found out Tricia is having a boy in September. So i will have two nieces and two nephews. What a great little family we are growing to be.
So lastly, dating. I have not been up to it, but i will. I just think it comes to liking a boy i lose all my senses and come off not who i am. I am also scared to get hurt again. I do not ever want to feel that kind of pain again. I don't feel it anymore, but i do remember what it felt like when he told me he met someone. It was the worst thing ever, so i don't want to feel that way. I am ready to move on, but i just don't want to be stupid again and act like a fool again. I don't want to be fooled again. So that is what i am figuring out how not to lose myself and make a fool of myself again. I am way too cute to not try. So I haven't been able to try new things every month because a lot of what i want to try costs money, but i will get that started again when not poor. So there is the update. I know I am kinda boring, but i wouldn't have it any other way.

my year of adventure begins

2010-01-31T20:16:00.006-07:00

So this is the year of adventure. I am trying new things every month to grow and live my life. This month I went shooting. For those who know me I am not a fan of guns. I hate them, but I actually had a lot of fun. I conquered my fear of them and actually became a pretty good shot. I am looking forward to doing it again. Next month I am going to crash a wedding! I am going to go sky diving and over night hiking during the summer. In other news, I also have started to work out again. i have a new plan and after two weeks i am already tightening up. I am working out four days a week in the morning lifting weights, every day during my lunch i do a cardio mixed with tightening my problem area, my butt, and three days i stay after work to do a little more. I am losing fast now and eating better. I am very close to my goal, but going to go for a smaller size like a 12. The only problem is my glutes and it is going to be the last to go, but i swear it is going to go! So this year is off to a great start. also I have been thinking dating is the wrong choice now. I want to date and i have some nice guys who are interested, but i don't know why it feels wrong. Lastly i have set a date to go to the temple. I am so excited and glad i finally am going. It finally feels right and I am really ready to make this commitment. If you remember on my June posting I was struggling until I had that awesome experience there, for those who have not read it read June and the spiritual experience in Zion, I felt like i was never going to get there and now April 6th is the day i make my huge commitment to the Lord and I am so happy I made it, doesn't mean life is going to get easier, but now i can go in the Temple, do work and be closer to the Lord more than ever before in my life. What an awesome thing that is going to be!!!
So this is me accepting what is done, move on and try to continue to make better choices and live to the fullest. Will keep updated about all the adventures.

my new book idea and new thoughts

2010-01-15T20:48:00.002-07:00

So i am going to start my new book idea this weekend. i will get back to my novel i have been working on, but i am just not into writing a love story. my heart would not be in it since my only love experience was a depressing and sad one. I am excited to start something new. I have been writing it in my head the last few days and i like it so far. I have been remembering important moments in my life and some silly one. To look back and see have far i have come in this life is funny. I don't think after all the choices i made early on that i would finally become this stable and normal as normal could be girl. I could have gone in a total other direction in my life and yet i came out OK and better. I love who i am today. I am still strange and see things in different ways, but i love it. It must have a purpose in this life and there has got be a reason for it. I feel like I am here to do more than get married and have kids. That is important too and I am looking forward to it, but i feel i have something more to give and do here in this world, but i have no idea what. i will figure it out. This book about my silly strange crazy life is just for me to see, but i may want to see if it will be published one day. I think some people would find my journey so far interesting, but maybe not. Even though my life has not turned out the way i felt it would after all these years, i am finally OK with it. I am still sad about it, but i have no idea what is going to happen next and that is exciting and very scary too. All i know is I am grateful for my life and my experiences.

life keeps going and i will become what i need to

2009-12-28T15:05:00.002-07:00

Christmas was awesome. I have a wonderful family who i adore and feel blessed to have them in my life. Things are going up and down as i get over the last hurdle of understanding the loss i have felt these last few months. I truly trust the Lord and know things happen for a reason. I am looking forward and not back. i am learning I can not take things back from the past and the pain i have felt these last few months has taught me to be stronger. I just needed to know how to be stronger without going bitter, which i fight everyday. I know that going bitter will destroy me and i cant let that happen. It doesnt hurt as much as it did a few months ago, but it sadly pokes at me once and a while. This year I am going to grow more into what i can become and i know that the only way to do that is through the Lord. Looking forward to the furture and being the best i can be.

wow it has been a while

2009-11-02T17:57:00.002-07:00

just realized i have not posted in a while so thought i would do a quick one. So started dating again, but already have wanted to stop. Just not attracting some great guys sadly. Thinking maybe i should not rush trying to force myself to move on to someone else so fast. Enjoying my job with my crazy three classes. I am doing pretty well after a few rough months finding out Andy was dating to Andy getting engaged, but realize how used i was and how everything works out the way it is suppose to. I wish him and his wife to be all the joy that will come. Also still loving primary and know i am going to love doing it for the rest of my life. So that is all for now. Not really much going on.

video of Erin dancing

2009-07-08T20:03:00.004-06:00

last few days

2009-06-24T20:34:00.006-06:00

Erin crossed eyed

Erin at the chalk art festival telling me no
Rained out
Stupid rain.

We let people walk across.

The last few days I have been dedicated to losing the rest of this weight. I have been excising two hours a day and watching what I am eating. These last few pounds are the hardest. I have the tiniest waist but a massive bottom half. So my goal is to lose about 12 pounds by the end of the summer.
Monday we took my dad out for fathers day. It was fun but I also felt left out a little. Everyone is married and having kids. Then there is me who is by herself and seems to get yelled at a lot for no reason. It made me realize that my siblings don't really know me. They still think I am that snotty teenager, but I have grown up and they just don't seem to realize it. Oh well don't know what i can do to change that. Just got to deal with it I guess. I got some cute video of my niece Erin being silly at the restaurant. The first is Tricia trying to teach her the rock out finger sign, but Erin just does the one finger dance. The second one is her just being silly cute. As you hear in the background me responding to my sister in laws comment that Erin gives me something to blog about like I have no life. She is just so cute how can I not. Also i got a pic of her going crossed eyed.
Also some pics of the chalk art festival. 15 or 20 minutes after we finished it rained!!! 6 hours of time ruined. Oh well it was still fun.

A spiritual experience in Zions

2009-06-14T20:21:00.005-06:00

Climbed all the way up in between those two peaks and just below the top of them.

Top of upper pool rock. (there is a green pool underneath, but took pictures of that with another camera. Will add later after developed.)

Stream from middle pool.

One of the many steep stairs I had to climb.

and many more just like this.

view before turning the corner to the stairs. (that is Liz, Kathy, and Emmalee blurs at the lower pool.)

Waterfall from lower pool.

I had a spiritual experience on one of the hikes in Zions National Park that I would like share. There is a hike in Zions that is called The Emerald Pools. They are three layers of pools the lower, middle and upper. The lower pool hike is paved mostly and not too steep, but you have to climb a little. The lower pool had a little waterfall you could walk underneath and it went into a little pool. It was pretty and I felt pretty satisfied I made it without too much of a struggle. So I decided to try to get to the second pool. At first it was just steep and not too bad. Then I got around a corner of a huge rock and saw these rock stairs. There were a few and when I got to the top and turned another corner where there were more stairs that were a lot steeper. I felt like giving up, but I continued where there were about 7 to 8 more steep stairs. Finally we got to the middle pool and I felt really great because I didn't give up. I almost turned back but I said I made it this far might as well keep going. So I went on. The trail to the upper pool was very tricky. There were a lot of rocks and soft sand that you could easily slip on. You took a little more time to figure out where would be the best place to step. It was hard, but not as hard as it was to the middle pool and I felt since I worked so hard on that one I should keep going. Finally I reached the upper pool and it was gorgeous. It was a large cliff with a arch looking hole and at the bottom was a pool of the color of green. It was surrounded by big boulders and a little stream coming from the pool that lead down to the middle pool. As I was sitting there feeling pretty amazed I did it, the Lord put this beautiful message in my head. I could compare my hike to my spirituality. Right now I am at the lower pool. Satisfied with where I am at but knowing I should try to get to the upper one. Now I am attempting to get to the middle pool, but it is getting hard. So many steep obstacles and my own doubts in my way. Wanting at every second to turn back or just stop halfway. Realizing if I keep trying and going I will eventually get there. Trust in the Lord and knowing I am worth it and I can do it. When I finally get there and I am aiming for the top I know it will be hard, but I already went through so much that will not seem as hard. I will have the experiences and the feel for things plus the skills to keep going. I trust and know I can do it because of the tough climb to the middle. When I reach to the upper I will feel even more satisfied and closer to the Lord. Even though I want to be at the upper part right now I need to focus on getting to the middle. I need to get all the tools and experience before attempting to get to the upper. I have to get through the rough middle before reaching to the upper. It is going to be really hard and I might want to give up, but it will be worth it in the end. I am so appreciative to having this experience because I have been having a rough time now. I am trying to get ready to receive my endowments and things have not gone so smoothly. I have had struggles and doubts that I am ready for that commitment. I realize that is because I want to skip the middle pool and just get to the upper. I know that I need to gain some tools and knowledge first. I am not going to reach the upper by just receiving my endowments. My endowments are part of halfway getting to the middle. Anyways I thought that was a pretty cool thing I wanted to share. I have more pictures, but I used a disposable camera. I didn't take more with my phone for some reason. I will put up more of the upper pool because the rock is just part of it and it is more beautiful.

My First Trip to the Grand Canyon

2009-06-14T20:14:00.002-06:00

This is the ledge I had a panic attack on!!!

I have never been to the Grand Canyon. We went to the north side. It was incredible, but for some reason I freaked out every time I was near an edge. I have no clue why. I have never been afraid of heights. I was always the one to freak out people by standing close to the edge. One overlook I had an anxiety attack. My heart started racing, I was breathing hard, and felt dizzy. I had to walk away and sit down. Crazy. Despite my nervousness, it was pretty awesome.

Zion's Ponderosa

2009-06-14T19:54:00.006-06:00

Cowboy cabin 2.

Liz eating.

The swimming pool with two hot tubs!!!

Sunset view.

Zack, Liz, Casey, Kathy, and Emmalee in front of our cabin.

Katy, Emmalee, and Casey looking at pics.

So I had a blast in Zions. I went with Liz and Kathy along with Kathy's family. It was a much needed vacation. So we stayed at the Zion Ponderosa Ranch resort and I recommend it greatly. It is about 20 minutes away from Zions park and 2 hours away from the north part of the Grand Canyon. It has showers and the water doesn't take long to get warm. It is very clean. You can stay in a cowboy cabin like me that holds 6 people or you could camp. It isn't too bad in prices. You could also get a suite, but they are more pricey. It has a swimming pool that is great. It also has a variety of activities you can choose from like horse back riding, zip lining, jeep rides, paintball and much more. Also they have different things going on at night like Wednesday we went on a night hike, Friday there was a dance, and Saturday a rodeo. It was a fun place to stay and planning on going back next year for sure.

Baby Seth is Here!!!

2009-05-31T21:39:00.007-06:00

After being told for a month that she was going to have him early, Seth came two days after his due date. They broke Camille's water at 8:30am and Seth came out at 10am. He was 8lbs 9oz. He is so cute and we are all happy he has arrived. Erin is so cute with him. She keeps saying how cute he is and gives him lots of kisses. Welcome Seth to the crazy Grimshaw Clan.

Erin at Wheeler Farm

2009-05-10T19:33:00.005-06:00

Yesterday mom and I took Erin to Wheeler farm for her first time. She is such a joy!!! She talked to the animals. She told the cow, "kahck, don't drink" when the cow was drinking dirty water. She also took a picture of the cows with my phone. She also backed away really fast when the goat stuck its head out to say hi. We were looking at the horses and a rooster crowed, she told it, "shhhhh". It is fun to watch little ones discover the world around them. Also we went on a tractor ride. She was waving to the cows and said, "bye moo, bye moo". She also said, "Hi baby, look at me. Hi, look at me." I just love her to death.

Pics of my cute niece.

2009-05-02T16:39:00.004-06:00

These are some pics I took of my niece after she played a munchkin in her ward play of the Wizard of Oz. She was so cute and a natural on the stage. After she ran around playing with Aunt Bob and watched herself from the play on the camera. She is so funny. I hope becca puts the video up on her blog. She really was cute. I adore her.

Just got called to teach CTR!!!!

2009-04-20T06:27:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I got released from nursery and called to teach CTR. I was pretty shocked because this class is preparing them for baptism. What a huge responsibility. I am excited though as I am in my early career in the primary.(my pat. blessing said I would have many callings with children.) So I am excited to teach those children as the prepare to become a member of the church and receive the gift of the holy ghost. I sort of remember me at that age. I remember the feelings I had that day and getting ready with my mom. It was an awesome day. Also yesterday I almost didnt go to church, but felt I had to go. Now I know why. Plus I needed to hear the lesson about being valiant. When the teacher said that the prophet Joseph Smith said something about being worthy to have such hard trials and how great that was. That struck me because I have been feeling like no one likes me and why even try anymore, but got this thought in my head that said, "stop feeling sorry for yourself and go and just live the gospel." It is such a true thing to remember. My life isnt that bad. I have a home, job, and a great family that loves me even though I am a mystery to them. Sometimes I feel like I cant do it, but I remember my dad. My Dad is a huge example because he was inactive for almost 30 years and searched for something to only come back to where he started. It takes a lot of courage to come back and very humbling. I am proud of him. Now he can give me blessings and has a temple recomend. So I guess I am saying that I figured out I can do it and just keep going. I am grateful for my life and the gospel. I dont know what I would do without it. Anyways I thought I would share that.

Things still just going.

2009-04-14T21:33:00.002-06:00

So my life is good. Nothing really drastic going on. I have a week off and I am cleaning my room!!!! I know I am shocked as well, but I am sick of it too. Got my taxes done and I am excited that I am going to use some of my refund money to finally buy Rosetta stone so I can finally learn basic Russian. I am so excited. I know some Russian and can read a bit, but I am ready now to go the full yard. I haven't done so before because Russian reminds me of Andy and I needed to heal that part of my heart so I could do it without thinking about him. Finally!! I know that is what you are thinking. I am so excited that my nephew will be born in a few weeks. Maybe I can get this one to like me more instead of Aunt Bob winning with my niece. I am only second best, so maybe Seth will take to me. I seem to bond really well with boys. I am not saying I haven't bonded with Erin because I have. She just loves Aunt Bob more. The major thing I am aiming towards and is my major goal is getting my endowments. I had that as a goal, but things haven't gone as planned, so that is my main goal. Obviously that is where I need to go because things have just seemed to have gotten harder since I made that decision. OH and some major shocking news. I am finally getting a cell phone. I am finally giving in to that thing, but only a pay as you go thing. I rarely get phone calls and it will be better for my babysitting jobs. Becca is going to take me so I don't get tricked into anything because I have no idea about anything cellphone related. That is the update.
Wow, I really have a boring life.

My cute Bushka!

2009-03-10T06:56:00.005-06:00

Here is my fave pic of me and Erin at her Birthday. Also of the throne I gave her, which surprisingly it took a lot to get her to sit in it. She is so darn cute. What a huge blessing she is to our family and I am looking forward to Seth being born for another great blessing for us. Oh, for those who dont know I call Erin Bushka, I dont know why. It just came out one day and stuck. It is not anything russian, but it kind of sounds like Babuska which is the russian word for grandma. I am not calling her that. Anyways theres some usless info for you.

Nothing much going on

2009-03-01T20:24:00.002-07:00

I noticed I haven't put any posts on for a while and thought I would write a little, but nothing new is happening. I like my job and learning more about being a teacher each day. I have been blessed so much by the Lord as many of you know that I don't have to pay all that money to COBRA because my insurance kicked in exactly 63 days after my last. I am so grateful for that. I have been stressing about it for a long time trying to figure out what I was going to do. The Lord has answered my prayers and I am truly humbled by it all. My dating life well, I have been trying to more, but I really just have no desire. I wish I did because I need to date, but the guys who are attracted to me now are, I don't know, not my type. There is the guy at work who is really nice that flirts with me and I would go out with him once if he asked me, but would never be more than friends with him. There is the newly divorced for one month guy that has two kids. I don't think I am emotionally mature to handle kids, a ex wife, and a newly dating man. Then there is the Provo boy and most of you know I am no Provo girl. I am not bad and I have a strong testimony, but I am a very open minded, accepting woman. Then there is the guy in West Jordan who I am a little more interested in, but I don't think he is as interested. Maybe I am making up excuses or maybe I am right. I don't know. It is that my heart is just not that into it for some reason. Believe me when I say I wish it was because I need to get out there and start over, but I really just have no desire. Anyways that is the update for now. The most exciting thing coming up is my beautiful niece's 2nd birthday. She is so cute and brings a lot of joy in my life. I absolutely adore her!!!!

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

2009-02-03T20:44:00.001-07:00

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celebrity - Collage - Morph

I am stressed!!

2009-02-01T15:51:00.002-07:00

So last Friday I was in the staff room at my new job. I had my ipod on because I work better with music. anyways, so two teachers were in there and they started to talk about me. At first I thought that they probably didn't know who I was, but I had my name tag on and I also had papers on the table that said enrichment and extended (that is what I am in). They were not saying anything too bad, but they were saying that I better be good because the girl I replaced was so good and that their kids are having a hard time. It was just silly things, but I feel the pressure. The girl I am replacing is great so that is hard to come into an environment that is new and people are watching. I know I am a great teacher, but I am not like this girl at all. She is way more outgoing and I am a shy, quite person. Mary Beth, one of my old parents of my fave kids ever, told me yesterday that if anyone can do this I could. She said one of the things she loved about me was everyday I would have something to say about her child. Something they did or said. She also noticed that I did that with every child. She also said I have a way of sneaking up on people. Like she remembered when I started at Bright Horizons that I was just ok and soon after that I became this great teacher who she really trusted and believed I was giving her child a great start. I really appreciated that. The girl I replaced said I better be good because they cant afford to have people dis enroll from the afternoon program. That made me even more stressed and felt pressure. I know I can do, but it is also scary too.

I got thte job!!!!

2009-01-26T19:26:00.002-07:00

I got that job to work with the kindergartners in the afternoon. I am very excited. I am so grateful to my heavenly father. I have been blessed so much this last month. At a time where people are being laid off and struggling to find jobs, I find one not even a week after I get laid off. I have been concerned about how I was going to survive with a part time job. My money has been lasting and now I will be considered full time and have benefits. I feel like I don't deserve this, but I know the lord is looking out for me and is helping me get through this rough time. I am really humbled by my blessings and so grateful for them. I have a great life and a wonderful family and now a wonderful job.

i am feeling a little mad

2009-01-13T20:21:00.002-07:00

Today I just found out that they have replaced me in my old classroom. Although I am happy at the JCC and new opportunities are already coming, but I feel really screwed right now. I always knew this was not a layoff, but to be replaced a month after being laid off makes it more clearly it wasn't. I gave so much to that center. I worked hard and cared so much about that place and to have me pushed out that way sucks. The person they replaced me with was the two year old teacher and they put a person, who is nice, but has no experience in that room. So there are now two people in the two's with no experience. I have heard that room is not that great anymore. It breaks my heart that my old parents are being treated in this way. They don't deserve this crap. i don't know why I am feeling more screwed now than before, but I do. Anyways there is an opening in the afternoon shift with the kindergartners, which would be great if I could get it. I was loving teaching the older kids.

Also in big new in Amy's life, I have a date on saturday!!! It is my first date in two and a half years. I am not that interested in this guy, I mean he read the Twilight books and discussed them with me, which I thought was a little girly, plus he doesn't have a car and he is in his 30s. Maybe that is snotty of me but I would like a guy who is somewhat stable. So I am forcing myself to get out. Though I still have strong feelings for Andy and I thought they would have faded by now, but they are still there. I figured I need to force myself out there to help with that. So wish me luck.

I look good in this picture

2009-01-05T17:19:00.002-07:00

Here is a pic of me with my sibs at Tricia's wedding. Don't we look cute. I actually think I look good in this photo, which I hardly do ever think that, so I put it up on here. Oh and Tricia looks gorgeous too. Oh and Becca. Oh and I guess Bryan and Jared don't look too bad.

Look how fat I was.

2008-12-20T20:15:00.003-07:00

Mom found this old photo of us in Navoo I think three or four years ago. It looks like my head has shrunk. You never realize how big you are until you lose the weight and see old pictures. In this picture I was a size 26 and now I am almost an 18!!! Crazy. Also I found another job. It is at the Jewish Community Center. It is drop in care only and it is only part time, but I am glad to have at least some income coming in. The only scary part is no benefits. The Lord told me to take the first job offered to me and things will be okay and new opportunities are in store for me. I am very excited. Thank you Annie for the info on that. Anyways again look how fat I was!!! Crazy!!!! Shrunken head woman.

I got my CDA

2008-12-15T14:09:00.002-07:00

I just called to see why it was taking me so long to get my CDA and they said that I passed! It is in the mail now. I am so excited because I worked hard on that and now I have it. It is good for five years and I then I have to renew it. So one reason I got laid off is because I didn't have it. The CDA people told me they sent it last week. Anyways I got an interview Wednesday at the JCC. Also I have gotten so many calls from parents supporting me and are upset. Most of them now are going to pull out. I feel bad for the teachers though. They are the best and work so hard. I am sorry they have to go through all this stress. Anyways thank you all who support me. I am so excited I passed, though I had no doubt because it was easy.

So I got laid off!!!

2008-12-11T22:30:00.002-07:00

As some of you know that I got laid off today. They say that we are struggling and because of my education and performance they chose me to lay off. The thing is I have never been told or written up for my performance. I got my 3% raise, which is the highest you can get at your yearly review, also which I never really got a review because my boss never scheaduled one. My education, well I just finished my CDA. I took the test and I am awaiting the results. I know I passed because it was easy. They paid for me to get it because Accreditation people want more educated people with degrees. So just because it hasn't gone through they chose me. They have just hired four new people last month who do not have the education I do or the experience, but they still chose me. This is what I believe the real reason I was laid off. Last week my director and I had a communication problem. We have had a problem communicating on this issue for the last few weeks. She kept walking away from me. So I got a little loud last Friday out of frustration. I did apologize to her and said we need to find a way to communicate better. She also talked about me to a coworker and said I was driving her crazy. We finally solved the problem, but not with her. My coworkers Jennifer, Whitney, and I figured it out. This is not the only time I have had a problem. I have always talked to her about things and have been respectful too. So I wrote a letter to her boss telling her we are having problems and I feel that the director has been doing inappropriate things at work, for example, she took off her bra and swung it around her head in the front office where people could walk in and see her. She always walks away from problems and other people solve it. I wrote a email saying that I would like some solutions because I am running out. Well her boss wrote me back and said that she will schedule a meeting with me. So that meeting was set today at 3:00. They came and got me at 10:30. Her boss was on the phone and told me that they had to let me go. I said why do I have to be laid off when all I did was say we had a problem that needed to be solved? They said that me getting laid off has nothing to do with it. I think this is crap. I have been there for four and a half years. I work hard, I go above and beyond all the time, I care for my families and the children, and I care for my coworkers. This is why I finally said something and this is what I get. I am upset. I am a great teacher who got let go because I stood up to help make things better. My families are pissed though. I went back to get my stuff because I didn't want to go in tomorrow, which was suppose to be my last day, and I ran into parents. They are not understanding what is going on. They don't get why it was me that had to go. They are not understanding out of all the new hires that would be the more likely candidates were not let go. I cant say anything to them what is really going on because I will lose my pay they are giving to me until the day after Christmas. I have been called by parents tonight who are mad and they say they are going to put a fight for me to get back. I got hugs by people I didn't think I would have given me and they told me that I have meant so much to their families. They are pissed off and apparently they have been yelling at admin and asking what is really going on because what they are saying is crap and they know it. My parents are smart and know when there is more to a story. They have all offered letters of reference and babysitting jobs. I am touched that they care and are upset. I love my families and they are one of the reasons I am so sad about me leaving. The thing that gets me is when I called to tell them I was getting my stuff tonight, the director told me that she has had a bad day and when I bumped into her outside she said that it was nothing personal. Whatever, she had a bad day!!! I am so mad and sad. This was not right, but what can I do. I know the Lord will help me and yes I probably made a mistake to email my regional manager, but I love that center so much and wanted it to be the quality it once was. I feel I didn't do anything wrong, but it cost me my job that I loved. I have faith that other things will come, but I am sad this had to end. I really loved my job.

Dating really does just suck

2008-12-02T22:07:00.003-07:00

I really hate dating. Just when I think I am ready to date again men just remind me how dumb and jerky they are. It is getting to the point where I just want to give up. I mean I loved someone for a long time, even though he turned out to not deserve it, but at least I got to experience it right? I got to experience loving someone so much that I was willing to give up my life here and move to another country for him. I loved him so much that all that mattered was that he was happy and safe. Not very many people open their hearts that much and experience that. Even though Andy hurt me big time and treated me poorly in the end, but I am grateful to know I am capable of loving in that way. I am just tired of men just being mean because I am not some dumb skinny blond. I know I am a pretty girl and I am smart, which might make some men intimidated of me. I just really don't want to do it anymore. I mean I accept a person no matter what they look like because I don't care. As long as they are a good person who is good to me. That is all that matters to me, but no, they think they deserve a model. I am trying not to turn into a bitter girl, but the more I try to date the more I become bitter towards men. I just don't want to go through what I did last time. The whole Andy thing crushed me and I went a little weird for a while. I don't ever want to feel that devastated again. I mean it still hurts some days and some days I miss Andy, but mostly I am fine and don't care because I know he didn't care for me the way I did him and he treated me like I was not worth his time. So I want to give up. I am a great girl who doesn't deserve to be treated like I am nothing, but I do want to date too. I just am tired of the jerks. I know my older sister went through the jerks for years, but she handles it better than me. I am just tired of putting myself out there and be treated like I am not worth getting to know because I am overweight. I know I am hot, so good grief men, get over yourselves. Sorry had to vent. I will get over it. I am just a little frustrated at the moment. I will be fine. I know I will find someone, but the whole process sucks. My husband better be worth this wait big time. Just kidding.

Anchorage it is!!!!

2008-11-24T13:26:00.002-07:00

So I have made a choice. After some thoughtful consideration and talking to my family I have decided to move to Anchorage. I am so very excited and nervous because I dont know anyone up there. This feels right and I know I will get to my Russia eventually, but I feel the Lord wants me to go and live up in Alaska for a while. Some in my family are not happy about this and I dont know why, but I am at a place in my life where I say, why not do it? I have my family here, but nothing else. I want to explore all possibilities I can in life before I settle down, which I know is not soon. I have no desire to marry anytime soon. So I wont be moving until next year sometime. I have some things to settle here before I go up and move. Plus I need to talk about transfering. So there it is. Amy moving very far. I know the Lord will help me in this new phase of my life and I am looking foward to serving him in callings up there.

Twilight Midnight showing

2008-11-21T14:00:00.002-07:00

So I am probably really crazy to have done this, but I went with my sister Becca and my sister in law Camille to the midnight showing of Twilight. I have read all the books and liked them, cheesiness and all. I was surrounded by a lot of teenagers who once and while would scream and ohhh and ahhh's. I liked it. I was just like the book. They actor who played Edward grew on me during the movie and at the end I loved him. I like how he made it a more intense Edward instead of a smothering one. So I love the movie Edward a little, but I know there is no such man. It was cute. The girl who played Bella did a great job at it. She is just how I imagined Bella to be. My little sister thought the 16 year old kid who played Jacob was hot!! She loves Jacob because he is more manly she says. Anyways, so I am crazy because I had to go to work the next day and better yet it was the first field trip I ever did with my class and better yet my co-teacher who planned this went on vacation. I had to be at work at 8:30. I didn't fall asleep until 3 am. I was fine until about 12pm and then I was crashing. I had a small class and had my coworkers Jennifer and Danette with me, so things went really well and my kids did such an awesome job at listening and sitting through this woman pirate musical. It was cute, but most were youth actors and they talked fast so I didn't really understand them most of the time. The best was watching the older lady pirate sword fight. Use your imagination and what you see is what it was. It was so funny.
Overall I had fun spending time with my sister and sister in law even though I am exhausted. I love spending time with my family. They are so awesomely weird!!!!

one thing that is frustrating and thought I would share

2008-11-19T21:09:00.002-07:00

I know i just posted, but something just happened and I am annoyed. I used to be dramatic and at times I still am, but not as bad. I don't get how if I ask simple question and it is somehow viewed as being dramatic? Then someone doesn't answer directly and you ask a follow up because they didn't really answer, it also "comes across" dramatic. I don't get it. How does that become my fault? Why cant people just be honest and blunt. It sure would make things a lot easier. Why don't people just try and give someone the benefit of the doubt and give people a chance? I am frustrated, but I will get over it. I am just tired of people not willing to see that I have changed and treat me like I am the old me. Oh well, life goes on.

Another "only Amy" moment

2008-11-19T20:20:00.004-07:00

So, today I was in the teacher bathroom taking my usual 10:00 potty time. (my bladder is on a timer for some reason).I arrived to see that the toilet was clogged up. I took the plunger and was nice to try to get it unplugged even though I did not plug it up. I mean I could have left it and went to the other bathroom, so i am a good, kind citizen. Five minutes later it was down low, so I thought it just need to be flushed again and it was unclogged. Well when I flushed it, it started overflowing. At first it was a little and I was thinking, "Well, okay, no one has to know how dumb I was to flush it again not being sure it was unclogged. I will clean it up." Then it started gushing out really fast and got to the point I was like, "well that plan has gone out the window. How do I get out of this without looking too stupid." Plus I still needed to go to the restroom. So I ran up to the front and told my assistant director that the toilet was clogged. Before I could finish she told me to use the plunger, which I thought how dumb do you think I am, but I finished saying that I did and it started to overflow and I still needed to go to the restroom. So she went to stop it and I to the public restroom in the next building. When I returned she had already unclogged it and was cleaning it up. I told her I would do it, but she insisted, so I let her. I felt bad though.
Also I have some news, I was nominated to be president on a committee at work called Better Together. It is a group that helps moral and make teacher's know they are appreciated. I am excited because our moral has gone down and I care about the teachers and want them to be happy. Believe me working with a bunch of unhappy women is a very unpleasant experience. The last group was OK, but they were the attitudes that they were right and everyone else is wrong. They did do some awesome things, but it was like this is what we are doing so deal with it. I respect all the teachers and think they are some of the best out there, but they are also high maintenance. I am included in that category, but I am getting better. I want the teachers to truly care and respect each other. Right now it is an only out there for themselves and a few friends way of life. I want that to stop and people to see things from other points of view. I want them to see that people see things different and we should communicate like so. I have two wonderful, upbeat women who I am excited to work with. We are in charge of doing team building activities at staff meetings and do plan fun activities throughout the year. So we will see how things go. I am excited to have more responsibilities and it is good at getting more people skills, which we all know I need.

Girls road trip

2008-11-15T17:24:00.001-07:00

So, my sister Becca and I were going to go to Oregon or Alaska to check it out in April because her husband will be in Prague, (lucky guy), for school. Then I get this email the other day from her saying how about we go to Forks, Washington. For those of you who don't know about Forks then you must be living in another world. Forks is the place where the famous vampire books the Twilight series is based. I didn't even know it was a real place. Then she tells me my sister in law and my niece are coming and we are driving. So crazy me, goofy Becca, 8 month pregnant Camille, and my newly two year old niece Erin are going on quite an adventure. I read the books and liked them, even though some things were cheesy and I know there is no such thing as a guy like Edward in the world. I probably wouldn't even date a guy like that. I would feel smothered. I know most women love Edward, but I want a guy with flaws.Flaws are what makes a real person. Anyways oh, well it is going to be fun and we always have fun together. My family is awesome.

Move to Alaska or go to Russia?? Choices are tough.

2008-11-13T22:00:00.000-07:00

So, as many of you know I have been deciding if I should move to a different state. My choices are Alaska, Oregon, or Montana. Most say Alaska because there are more men up there, but I don't want to move to find a man. That is just silly, but tempting. I can find me one here if I really wanted to, but I am tired of them. You know I have only been attracting the weirdos lately, but even so I just am enjoying life being single, but if someone comes along great, if not I dont care. I am too awesome of a girl to be single for much longer. Anyways it sounds like more of an adventure in Alaska, but Beaverton, Oregon sounds nice too as well as Helena, Montana. Alaska is on top of my list though because I have always wanted to go there and Montana looks beautiful. So I have those choices, but my desire to go to Russia is really strong still. That is my dream and I have promised my mom out of respect for her that I would visit first before I get up and move there. I know I will live there one day, but if anytime soon is uncertain. If I move to another state there is job security because I could transfer, but I could get a job as a nanny in Russia for an American family. I need to get there soon though because of how the relationship between the US and Russia is getting a little tense. I don't want to finally be able to go and they close the borders. I have posted pictures of my choices to show you how hard it is. The one of Beaverton is an old one, sorry, but it was the only one I could find besides the tree pics. Helena looks plain, but is surrounded by other places that are great. Anchorage looks awesome. Finally Saint Petersberg, what can I possibly say to explain its awesomeness? I would have to post two whole posts to give you just a small glimpse. So as you can see I am having a hard time to decide. I am excited about all the possibilities, but it is frustrating too. Oh well, I will figure it out. (I hope you can tell which is which, Saint Petersberg is first followed by Helena, two Beaverton pictures and ending with Anchorage. )

I need a photo session

2008-11-11T20:24:00.000-07:00

I just realized I have no great looking pictures of me lately. I need a camera or something because I really want to compare pictures of me from a year ago to now. Hopefully some good ones turned out from Tricia's wedding.

I have these pictures, the one in the green is from a year ago and the web cam one is from a few months ago. They one Camille took of me at Tricia's wedding is OK, but i have a strange smile. You can sort of tell in the face, but I have lost a lot more since the web cam. I wish I would have documented my journey, but I don't think I am photogenic at all. I am a person who looks better in person. Anyways I just need to go all out and get super hot looking and take some new ones. I am not trying to sound vain, but I am proud of myself that I have worked so hard to loose this weight this last year.

Also I realized I have become quite boring lately. Someone I knew used to say I created drama, which I did, but now I dont do that I have become quite boring. All I do is work, work out and sleep. I dont want to go back to drama me, but I need to go out more. Those are my thoughts for today.

oh, thanks camille with helping get that stupid playlist working.

My First Post

2008-11-10T21:11:00.000-07:00

Well, I finally decided to make a blog. My family has been doing theirs and so i thought, hey why not i do one. I have a lot of thoughts going on in my head to share. Let me start by what has happened this last week. Tricia got married!!! Yeah, I am happy for her and glad it is over. I am done with weddings for a long, long time. It was beautiful though. Tricia looked very happy. I love her, but man she is a huge perfectionist. I mean do you really have to have the matching soaps and lotions together in the bathroom??? Do you really need to have the floral scents in the woman's bathroom??? She is funny.
My journey with my personal trainer is almost done. I have lost almost 50lbs!!!! I love working out and I love my trainer, but I think I need to finish with her soon. I caused problems in her marriage. Let me explain. My old trainer, Cameron, is my new trainer's, Anne, husband. Cameron and I were partners for 9 months until he got a management position. Anyways, Cameron and I talked a lot about personal stuff and we got close. So the other day when I was working out with Anne she told me she was yelling at him about not helping around the house. She then made the comment about how I may know more about her and her marriage then she thinks I do. I replied, "yeah, Cameron told me about his childhood and his son." Anne looked at me and said "what, he has a son". OH CRAP!! So today she told me that she talked to him about it and at first he denied it, but then said he was ashamed of it and didn't tell her to protect her. So she went on about how she cant trust him.
Anyways in other news, I am going to go for getting my endowments. I am so excited and scared at the same time. I am excited to make that commitment to the Lord and look forward to new ways to serve him, but I am also scared for the same reason. I love the gospel and feel so ready for this, but i am nervous. Everyone wish me luck.
Well that is my first post.
Amy