Things I am Grateful for

These last few months I have never been happier in my life. Ever since receiving my endowments I see life in a whole new way. I find joy in things so small. A few years ago I could never do that. I have a blessed life. I wanted to list some the things I have been grateful for.I cant list all because that is too much.

1.Being born in a family who had the Gospel. Though I didn't truly commit myself until recently, but I have had the complete truth from the beginning of my life. I was taught about my savior and knew of him. That has meant a lot to me even when I wasn't doing everything I was suppose to do.

2. My family. We are a good little family who are close and love one another. We love and accept each other for who we are. That is such an important thing.

3. Having the physical needs. I have a house, job, food, and a body. I truly have been blessed there at having these things. The house may not be a mansion, but i have a roof over my head. My job may not pay much, but it is a rewarding one and I feel I am pretty good at it. My body I haven't taken the best care of, but i am changing that. It is a gift and I want to take better care of this gift.As sore as I get I know that this is going to better in the long run.

4. That I made better choices now. I am glad to have had some of my darkest times in my life. It made me appreciate the light I am living in now. I had to have those dark days, make some of the bad choices to experience and soak up the joy I am having now. Doesn't mean i am never going to mess up again because I will, but not as drastic as before. I am grateful I am worthy to go to the Temple and never going to take that for granted. I know I am going to have more hardships, but I look at them as things I need to learn. It is not fun going through them, but the end I see why and am grateful to have learned that lesson.

5. I am grateful that I love. I love my family. I love my friends. I love children. I have loved so much already in this life. I am glad, even when I was heartbroken, that I can see that gift I have had to experience all these kinds of love. Love is such a wonderfully great thing that can easily be turned into bitterness. I hope I can always remember this.

I have a great life and it took me sadly a long time to realize this, but i do now. That is all that matters. I know that my Heavenly Father's love and faith in me has changed my life for the better. I am not the same person I was and I love that I wake up feeling his love for me. I wake up appreciating everything more and wanting to serve him well as much as possible. He has done more for me than I sometimes feel that I deserve, but I try everyday to make up for my wrongdoings from my past. I look forward to the future in serving him and living this great life he has given me the best I can. I am truly grateful to be alive.

Touched in the Heart by The Choir

So today I watched a show that comes from England. It is called The Choir and is about this young man who has a love for choir music. He wants to take a school in England that has no choir, train them, and enter them into the Choir Olympics in China. I am amazed at how the self esteem of children has gotten so bad. That these kids felt like no one believed in them and how that affects how they see themselves and how they live life. I watched how this one man who has had a pretty great life, been introduced to a lot of beautiful things in life and has a pretty busy life took the time to help these kids accomplish something they never thought possible. Just by believing in them changed their lives. They may not be the best singers ever or have a career in music, but he taught them the importance of believing in yourself and setting goals for yourself. That if you work hard and try your best, that you really can do anything. To have a good work ethic, team work, and believing in yourself, you can pretty much find joy even in the disappointments. I think we as a society don't help our children understand that and the importance of that value to have. That it is true in some things you do need to give up after a while, but not after you do everything that is possible to obtain it. So many people devalue their worth in life and give up. This breaks my heart. I know that if you have one person who truly believes in you, just one, that makes a difference in a child's life. I feel that this is so important and feel like I need to do something, but I don't know what I can do? Life is hard, but somehow we have lost teaching children how to deal with the up and downs. A lot of them feel entitled and don't want to work hard because what is the point. We need to fix this or we will have so many unhappy people in the future. Maybe I sound arrogant or not really aware of the world, but i am very passionate about this and feel I need to do something. I know I believe in me because my Heavenly Father does and through him and his support I can accomplish my desires and his will for me. I want to let others know this as well but also I want people who don't have the same beliefs as I do to feel that great feeling of believing in themselves. Everyone deserves to feel their worth in this life if they believe in Jesus Christ or not. They still need to know their worth in this life. Everyone has great potential no matter where you come from. It is up to us to help children to know this, but it is also up to them realize that and work at it. Even if we get a few that learn this then it has been worth it. I feel like I need to be part of something to help children or teenagers realize this, but what I need to do I know not at this moment. Anyone has ideas let me know. I hope I figure this out soon and try to help these kids who do not believe in themselves. They deserve so much more than some are given. So there are my thoughts of the day!!!

I love teaching Primary!!

So today I got to see two of my primary children get baptized. They are only two out of 7 i have seen and every time I get teary eyed. I am so proud and so happy for them! How great a job I have to help these wonderful little beings prepare for such a wonderful gift. These kids know more about the Gospel than I did at their age. They crave it and know it. I am truly impressed every time I teach. I started my life long career in Primary three years ago and I know I am going to be a lifer. I don't mind because I feel this is where I can serve the Lord better. I love going to church and sitting in that Primary room and feeling the pure spirit there. A child's faith and eagerness to learn the Gospel should be examples to us all. I know that I am child like and being as such has allowed me to grow in so many ways that it is wonderful and scary at the same time. Even times it can be annoying because I feel like I cant relate to others well, but I rather be able to learn the Gospel better and a little faster than having friends and a ton of boyfriends. I am happy to teach and I am learning more than I think my class is learning every time I teach. I am looking forward to learning and teaching the children. I know this brings me so much joy!! Primary is where it is at. (watch now I have said this i am going to be called into Young Womens, the calling that I fear most. I dont know if I could handle teenagers, but I will go where the Lord needs me. I hope he really wants me to stay in Primary!:)

What i learned today by watching a movie

This week for me has had a mixtures of emotions inside of me. I have felt angry, sad, heartbroken, numb, love, disappointment and lastly peace. It hasnt been all too pleasant i must say, but then today i watched a movie called How to Make An American Quilt. It may not be the best movie ever made, but after this week I needed this movie. It talks about different kinds of love and life choices. It is a reflections of these older women lives about choices and disappointments about love and acceptance of life. They loved spouses, children, friends, and family. Some stories they didnt end up with the one they loved and other ones did. The people we love may hurt us or disappoint us, but if we truly love then we forgive them. It made me see that love really is a gift. To love and be loved by family, friends, etc. really is something not to neglect or take for granted. There are times we get disappointed or things are not what they seem, but to remember that gift of love can so easily be looked over by all the bad feelings. I realize what I gift I had to love another human being for so long. To love the good and the bad of that person really was such a great thing. The relationship wasnt great at times it was miserable and messed up or not what i wanted it to be, but I loved someone and learned a lot from that love. I get so mad at the result of it or get lost in the disappointment that I lose sight of the greatness of loving someone even if it didnt work out. Although I probably would never know for sure, but I feel that he loved me once a long time ago and that he still cares for me. So I have been loved in my opinion, just not as I much as i loved him. I also realized the other love i have felt. I have felt my families love. Even though they dont get me or understand me or sometimes I feel i dont matter to them, i know they have loved me. Another love is from friends. I do tend to push people away, but having people check on me this week even though they may think it silly i was upset, they supported me. It meant a lot to know people cared. Another thing kind of love I am still working on is the love for myself. I love who I am most of the time, but somethings about me like, I guess you could say I am dramatic at times, but I call it someone who feels deeply. It can be annoying at times. Also I have been told I am unique and at times i love that, but it can be very lonely. I realize i should look at that as a gift. I may not have a lot of friends or people may not understand me, but I get to feel things in a way most do not and that is something not to hate, but to enjoy. It may mean i may break easily and that is what i need to work on, but I need to accept that things are not always going to work out the way i want. Lastly I have felt God's love for me. That has changed me in more ways than I expected. To feel His love for me has made me be able to get through things without feeling bitter for too long. It helps me accept things I probably may not understand, to do things I would not see myself doing. So I have had many gifts of different kinds of loves. I know there are people out there who dont get as much love as me and I hope i never take it for granted. Also we chose how we can see disappointments and heartbreaks. It sucks at times and it is hard. It may come back and hit me again, but I have a choice to dwell in the sadness or bitterness of it or to look at the beauty of it. I think I am going to choose the beauty of it, but i do have to feel that bitterness to see that beauty. I just choose not to dwell in it. I have such a love filled life and I am grateful for that gift to love and to love well even though things dont end the way i wanted it. So that is what I learned from an early '90s movie today.

poem

So today my first love got married and it has been a rough week even though i thought i had mourned already, but i guess i had a little in me still. i wanted to write this last poem as the final feelings of it all. i dont know if it is good, but it is how i felt. enjoy!!

Today You Married Someone Else
Today you knelt across the alter
with the mirrors of eternity behind both of you.
You became sealed to be together forever.
I always thought that would be me,
looking at you with love and devotion across the alter,
while being sealed together and begin the great adventurous journey.
It would have been wonderful I feel.
Now
I am sad today for me,
I lost the person who I felt was it,
the one, the person who was enough
for me,
flaws and all.
I loved the whole you.
Today I also am happy
for you, the man i have loved.
You are with the one you feel
is it, the one, the person
who is enough for you.
You are happy.
I am happy for you
to begin your life with your love.
I feel at peace that what is done is done.
A peace i thought never would come.
I hope she loves you as much or more
than I did.
That she realizes how special you are
the way you are.
I hope she brings out the man you were meant to be
the incredible man you are capable of being.
I hope she loves the whole you, the good
the bad, the light, and the dark.
I love you and my heart is joyful for you
this day even though this day pushed out
the tiny jagged edged hope for us out
of my heart.
I love you so much that your happiness means
more to me than my own.
I am happy that I got to love you,
know this kind of love.
To know what it feels like that
someones happiness brings me happiness
even though I am not that one
to have been enough for you.
I go forth knowing that I have
grown so much better from
just loving you.
Be joyful , my first love,
on this day you married someone else.

Finally Closure!!

So these last few days i have been in Zion National park. While away from home i tend to ponder a lot think about what I need to do to grow more as a person. So I decided to tackle the one thing i have been avoiding for a long time, letting go of my first love. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beauty. I had a lot of what I was feeling held up inside because one, i didn't want to deal with it and the other I had no one to talk to because everyone i love doesn't want to hear it because they were done hearing about it, which i don't blame them. Anyways, so i did something i haven't done in a while, write my feelings in poems. What a great experience for me to do that again. I am one of those people who once they get it out in the open it goes away. I let the anger, sadness, disappointment, questions, and truth out. My first love wasn't normal, it was different, maybe not what i thought it was, unhealthy at times, wonderful, sad, not all his fault and not all mine. It was my first love and it happened the way it did because of our choices and this is the consequences of them. That is not good or bad, it just is. So i wanted to type up a few to let them out and be done. Enjoy!!!

To Let You Go
To let you go means I will lose
the love I have felt.
A love that has been intense, strong, and grew every year.
To let you go feels like I am losing a part of myself,
a dear part of myself.
A part I liked because I loved loving you.
To let you go means to let go of the life I planned
with you, the life I wanted.
To let you go means I was wrong about you,
that I lied to myself about how you felt for me,
that you lied about your feelings.
You used me, lead me on, and to let you go
means I have to face that.
To let you go is closing something fun, lovely, messed up,
and not true.
To let you go means feeling nothing towards you and that is
why it is hard to let you go. I still care for you more
than I want to, but I need to face the truth. To move on means to let go, to go on without you, but I am with out you anyways. So I am letting go for me, for you because I love you and want you happy, but mostly for me because i deserve more.

Questions to God about Heartbreak
Is it wrong to be angry? at him, me,
you? was it me or him?
Is this my fault for some of my
choices?
Did she serve thee better than me?
I fought my way back and besides
happiness as my gift why
couldn't I have him too?
Was he wrong for me or
was I wrong for him?
Why did it feel so right for so long?
Did i lie to myself that he loved
me or did he?
When will I stop caring?
When will I stop missing him?
I can't help but blame
that I did not turn my
life around faster.
I feel like I was asleep for most of those years and now
I am awake I wish I had a chance still.
I feel robbed of something amazing because
of my sleeping.
Was it wrong to love him so long?
Was this the wrong kind of love and
will I love again?
I have a lot of questions I
wish you could answer, but
this may be one of those things
I will never understand.
Please help me to accept what is done.
Help me to move on, heal, give peace
of mind of my first
heartbreak.

Do I Regret You?

Do I regret you?
That is a hard question to ask.
I regret letting you treat me the way you did.
Always your way, never answering my questions when I questioned it,
making me feel silly when I did.
You pulled away when I asked for more but came back when I backed down.
I regret breaking down, letting myself get broken until I didn't recognize myself. For trusting your words of love when actions showed different and ignoring that fact.
Do I regret you?
I regret letting it go on as long as it did and grow as unhealthy as it grew.
Let me change the question now,
Do I regret loving you?
I saw myself wanting to make another happier than me. I wanted to do things for you without you expecting it because I love you.
I got to care about someone more than I thought possible, ahead of everything and everyone.
A love that was so deep and powerful that i never thought possible to feel that way.
I learned how to communicate and work on being more positive, and not afraid to live life, try new things.
Do I regret loving you?
No, even though you used me as your back up, broke my heart, lead me on, played with my emotions,
I do not regret loving you.
My love for you and you breaking my heart taught me how much to love and when it is not love in return.
I learned how I should allow myself to be treated and act healthier in a relationship.
So I do have regrets, but I got to love so deep, so intense, know I am capable of love even if it was not returned and that
is something not to regret.

Roots

The roots of my love for you
started in my heart,
slowly making its way down.
Twisting, winding, finding
a strong place to embed.
Years passed, deeper the
roots pushed,
firmer into the
core of me.
Sometime during those years
it lost strength
became loose
didn't fit well, but the roots stayed.
You never had roots for me
and now you are gone,
loving someone else,
flourishing with someone else
while my roots have to be pulled.
It is messy, painful, tearing up
the roots that have implanted
themselves deep inside me.
Not wanting to let of its tight
grasp it has made it's home for so long.
some of this mess is my doing,
some yours, but
the roots were there and must
come all the way out.
so I yank the roots of my love
Even though
the ground is being torn apart.
One day I will be able to
nourish new roots and
nurture them,
but now will continue to yank
until I am free of these roots
I have for you.

What i have learned about me by going to the Temple

So I received my Endowments almost two months ago and I have never been happier. In the two months I have gone twice a week with my mom. A few years ago I didn't even dream I would even be going to experience this because I wasn't living the Gospel fully. I was doing it half way plus I was caught up in a unhealthy love for a man that, as I see now, was holding me back. The way I was living was not allowing me to love him in a healthy way. Anyways two years ago I decided to live the Gospel because I believed in the church, but not living it fully. I was not receiving all I could have had while living the way I was. It started slow and I gave up a lot of my behaviors that were not making me happy. It is hard to give up things you have made into habits after years of doing them, but I was determined. A year after that I felt I should work on trying to receive my endowments and a year, a long hard year, after that I was worthy to go through. Again that was an awesome day that i can not fully relay to anyone in words, but I was happy more than I have ever been before. So there is a back story on that. :) Now again I go twice a week and to feel that peace that I feel you can receive no where else is such a gift. First going and serving in a way I have never before has been wonderful. I have felt some with me as I do the work for them and that is very overwhelming at times, but wonderful. I can feel their joy which brings me joy. I also have felt calmer in my life and trying to be more understanding of others. At times I grow inpatient with church members, but I need to remember I was struggling once also and we are all on our own path on accepting things. I feel myself being a better person, which when I felt to put Andy and his fiance's name in the Temple last month was asking too much, but I still did it because I felt it was only right. He hurt me and used me, but he deserves to be happy. That is a hard thing to learn, but it is an important one to learn. I have learned that I can grow in more ways and capable of more than I think people expect of me, more than I think I expected of me. One thing I have felt sad for is that there are not more people going. I see more women than men which it is sad that the men's work is not being done as much as the women. Also I have yet to be in a completely full session. I have gone at nights, mornings, Saturdays and it saddens me that we are blessed to have so many Temples by us and they are not being used. I think maybe I may understand this because I have friends that live in other countries and don't have access to them. I know that they would give anything to go as much or more than once a week. I feel the blessings from going and how sad that people in Utah have such great access to those blessings, but do not use that advantage we have over the rest of the world. I love going to the Temple even when not going to seek comfort, but just going to serve. Though yesterday I was having a really crappy day and during I felt the peace, but after I left that peace left too. Went back to having a really hard night, but I did feel the joy in serving underneath my sadness. There is so much to be done and so much joy to be felt. I know this to be true. I am grateful for this and will always be grateful even though I don't understand some things now, but I will. My life hasn't been an easy one and I haven't helped in that, but that is changing now. I am going to have the life I need and not the one I wanted or expected. That is hard to accept to be honest, but I will see the big picture one day. I will still get some things I want, which is not a lot, but that one big thing I wanted I accept that it probably wouldn't have been as great as I imagined it to be. I loved him, but he never loved me as much and that would not have worked. I am glad that I had that heartbreak because it has brought me to the path I needed to be on and that is whats important. This last year has been a great growing experience and I know much of that growth comes from going and knowing the importance of Temple work.