Dating

I know a few weeks ago I said I didn't want to date, but something has happened that changed that. I got hit on by a cute guy in my institute class. At first I didn't realize he was until after he walked away. It has been a while since I have noticed that stuff because I was so focused on that gut feeling that Andy was going to be my husband that i stopped paying attention. Anyways the guy was very cute, but he was young. Although nothing may come from it, but I hope something does because I want to enjoy dating again, it made me realize I am mostly scared to go through what Andy put me through. I don't want to feel not good enough ever again. Andy made me feel that way by pulling me in than pushing me away. Saying he thinks about marrying me to then say he only saw me as a friend. By saying he loved me but for reasons I would never know it couldn't be. Or saying he works to forget about me and could stare at me all day and never get bored. He confused me a lot. Anyways, people say Andy was a user or a jerk, but I choose to see that he just didn't know what he wanted. I could feel that way because maybe I'm afraid to see that he was a jerk in fear of realizing what a loser I have been to have wasted so much time and love on him. There is not a doubt that I loved Andy a lot, but that love made me lose myself and I tried so hard to prove I was good enough. He is not totally to blame for this. Just only half to blame. I wasn't living the best way at the time and I acted needy a lot and wasn't myself really, so that didn't help with the situation. I am not too proud of that, but I am now back to me. I am happier, confident, more spiritual, more in tune, and more physically active in working out everyday. Andy made me feel insecure about myself. I want to believe he loved me, I mean I feel strongly he did, but I will never know and now it really doesn't matter. I hope he is happy in his marriage. That is all i want for him even after how he treated me. I want him to have the life he wants and I hope that makes him happy. Even if he was a "jerk" as people say. Anyways I know I am a great catch and I need to show that. I am smart, funny, devoted to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints more than i have ever been (I love the gospel), I am unique, and so much more. Plus I am losing more weight and I am hotter than I have ever been. I was hot when I was chunkier, but getting even hotter. I know it is impossible to imagine because I have always been hot stuff, but it is true i am getting hotter! Anyways I am not going to be scared of having another Andy relationship again. If the guys I date don't realize how great I am that is their loss and I will drop them fast. I am not going to make the mistake to hold on to a guy who doesn't deserve me or appreciate me like he should. Andy never did but I think Andy married a great girl. Well I am guessing because I never met her and he never talked much about her when we went out eight months ago, but he did date me, so we know he has good taste. So no more fear and just going to have fun and enjoy dating again!! Yeah me!

My Brain and wish for it

I really dislike that I am socially awkward. I have this great brain that sees the world in a different way. I think strange thoughts and it is a wonderful thing, but what good are these great thoughts when I cant express them eloquently? It is very annoying that I can not express myself in words at all and sound "special" when speaking. In my head I sound brilliant, but when it comes out of my mouth, not so much. It is very hard when I have so much I want to give and do, but I cant express my feelings about it without being misunderstood. Why could I not have been blessed with that great skill to sound smart like I know I am. So I was thinking what I could do to improve this flaw I have and cant think of what would work. So either I live with it or figure out how to speak eloquently. For example I am basically a missionary with the Young Single Adult group and even though there are days I dont want to go door to door, I do it because it is the Lords work. After I do it, like yesterday, I feel great and see the need for what I am doing. The problem is that how am I suppose to help the young singles if I cant express to them in ways they can relate? Luckily I have an 18 year old boy who is getting ready for a mission who is my partner to help, but he is leaving in a few months. I need to work on this I know, but how? So here is my plan 1: have confidence, I mean I am pretty confident mostly, but not with social things. I am confident of who I am, but not when showing who I am to others, so need to work on that. 2: practice thinking before talking. There is nothing worse than thinking about a social situation after it happens and realize all the things that came out didnt come out the way you wanted. That happens alot to me. 3: lastly pray for help. I know the Lord will help me with something I want to improve. He will help me grow and make my flaws a little better. One thing that will help is my new positive attitude in life. I get frustrated, but I know I can work on it and that is great to work on being better at things you find you lack in. I fully will be the first to admit I lack in social skills. So me, my great brain, and my mouth are all going to work together on improving Amy to be better and less socially awkward. I know I will never fully not be socially awkward, but being a little less is better, right?

My love for Russia and the former Soviet countries

I know I have just recently posted something, but I had to share this. Today during the conference break I watched a program about the Ukrainian Temple. The first two minutes I was teary eyed. I love that part of the world. My love for the people comes from a place that I do not know where it came from or understand yet. I feel that I am a part of them or going to be a part of them one day. They have such wonderfully strong testimonies and such simple faith that I feel is lost at times here in Utah. These people have been through so much and continue to go through so much, but yet they have this amazing compassion, faith, and love that is inspiring. They understand hard work and sacrifice that a lot of us can not comprehend, but they are so strong and faithful. I am so happy for these people to finally have a working temple in their midst. I know they will not take it for granted. The work that is going on there is so important and they get that. My heart is touched by the love these people have for the Lord and His work. It took 12 years until they got the temple, but they were determined to make it happen. I can't wait until the day I finally get over there. I really want to live there and work with those people in serving the Lord. I can't wait until I finally can afford to visit there and be where I feel I am meant to be. I can't wait until I can go to that temple and do a session there. I hope I will be around when the Lord feels Russia is ready for a temple. I want to be there, if that happens, when it is dedicated. These people's love, dedication, and faith should be examples to us all. I know I get made fun of for my passion for these people, but know that I do have a deep love for them and again looking forward to going there eventually.

My happy life without dating or loving someone

I am just amazed at how happy I have been. 6 months straight and going strong. I remember last year at this time Andy told me he was getting married and how devastated I was. Now I am happy and so in love with my life. I haven't seen or talked to Andy since we went out in February for his birthday. As nice as that night was and it was nice for closure too, but it was dumb for me to do it since he was engaged. Anyways, now it is nice to see how much happier I am without having him in my life. I will always have a special place for him in my heart, but I realize that he is happy and that is all that matters. Now that I am over him and yet I still don't want to date. I just have no desire to get out there and deal with all that crap. I am just enjoying being with friends/family, going to the temple twice a week, reading my scriptures, learning from the scriptures, my job, and so much more. I am excited to keep growing and improving myself that I don't really want to bring in the stress of dating and relationships. Maybe that is wrong, but I feel that is right for me at this time. I just want to enjoy and explore this new life of happiness I have. To try new things and just live a life that I don't take for granted anymore. I am not perfect and I have so much to learn and so much growing to do, but this journey I am on is the path I want to be on because it is the path the Lord wants me on. He really does know what is best for me and it does bring joy into life. I know this to be true because I am experiencing it now. Joy is my feeling in life and my new fave word. It truly is a word that describes my life now. Trying to do your best to live the gospel fully really does change your life for the better. I have such a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know it is true without a doubt. Now onward I go learning and serving my Lord and growing finally to who I am and need to be. Life is awesome!!! and without dating!!!! (can i say joy anymore in one paragraph without sounding annoying? eh, oh well I am just expressing my feelings, so if you are annoyed shame on you for being annoyed with my joy!! but also sorry too!!!)

New family member and maybe new career?

This week started off with the birth of my new nephew Jacob Jared. Parents are my older sister and her husband. He is so cute and tiny. I love him so much already. Trying to figure out what nickname to give him. Erin is bushka, Seth is mal'chik which is Russian for little boy, and McKenzie is burunduk which is Russian for chipmunk. I think I will wait to see what his personality is like before I decide. Another thing that has come up in my mind is a new career one day. First I would like to say I love my job. Teaching young children has been an enriching experience. I also feel I have grown in many ways and I am good at it. This whole new thought about maybe changing started two weeks ago. I am taking an institute class on the Book of Mormon. I am scripture dumb to be honest, but I am enjoying learning in this class and working hard to understand. I was listening to my teacher and this thought came to me, "you want to do this". I at first thought, what? Me? I am not known for knowing the scriptures and I dont think I could do it. The next few days I pondered about it and felt that this is where I need to head eventually. I love the gospel and to teach it will be the best thing ever. I think once I get some studying down and finish paying off my debts, ( i know i will not be paid much to be an institute or seminary teacher), that I should work towards this. I want to help young people understand the gospel better and help them gain a love for it as I have these last few years. I think me being young at times emotionally helps me connect to young people and for some strange reason they trust me quickly. So this is what I feel I need to work towards in my life. It is not going to happen anytime soon, but I feel if I work hard and want it I have a chance at it. I don't think any other job will do besides what I am doing now. So we shall see what the future brings and looking forward to working towards this. If this is where I feel the Lord wants me to go then it will work out.

The Lord's Work

Sunday I woke up feeling that I was going to feel inspired to bare my testimony, so I prayed to my Heavenly Father that I did not want to. It is not that I dont love sharing my testimony, but he has been having me do it a lot these last few months. He told me in a blessing to do so, but I didnt think it was going to be almost every month. Anyways, so got to church and felt that I needed to. I really did not have a lot to say and most of it was random thoughts. I mentioned like I always do my love of the Temple and its work, my new calling(the fear it brings), and I am far from perfect. So just random thoughts and I bet more people think I am strange socially, which I am. After that went to teach primary, which I love and after that a woman came up to me. She told me that her two daughters should be on my list and we discovered that they were not. She told me they are having a hard time coming to church and may need a push. I find it amazing how the Lord works and how important it is to be in tune. If I didn't go up I would not have their names and wouldn't go visit them on our door to door campaign. (i feel like such a missionary, which is great since i didnt go because I thought i would have lost Andy, but lost him anyways :) ). I remember the blessing my brother gave me a few weeks ago about my fear of this calling and the social aspect of it. Social things are my weakness I admit. Anyways he said, "this is not your work but my work and my work will be done." I pondered about that yesterday and realized the Lord was saying if you are not going to do it I will give it to someone who will. I realized at that moment I wanted to be the one who did it and grow in my weaknesses. Also to receive that joy from doing the work. There are two kinds of people in the church, those who do the work or those who watch the work be done. I want to be the one who does it. I love doing the work. It is hard but I love it because I have such a testimony of the Gospel. I know this is the complete truth and living it brings happiness. I only half way lived it before and I not perfect, ( far from it, i mean I do have a mouth on me), but doing my best to live it has brought me so much joy. It has changed me for the better and I am so much happier than I ever have been. I love my life and humbled everyday by the gifts I have. I dont think I will ever make up for my past and taking for granted this life I have, but I will work hard to a least make up for some of it. I have this great comfortable, balanced life with a great job as well as an awesome family and friends. So my last thought is let us all work hard to do the work and not watch. I promise you that you will find joy serving the Lord. The Lord gives you these things to prepare you and to help you grow into what he needs you to be. We all have this great potential to be great servants to our Heavenly Father and I hope we all will try.

My New Goal

So on Sunday I went to a fireside where the amazing Sherri Dew spoke. She talked about influences and what influences your life. My life now has been influenced a lot by the Temple. It has changed me for the better. She talked about finding out your purpose in life and what the Lord wants you to do. I recently got called to be the Young Single Adult Rep in my home ward. So I am still in my primary calling, but I have this other one. This one scares me to death. I have to do things and put myself in situations that I have avoided for most of my life. I have to contact 73 people who are young single adults in the ward, but only 6 of them go to church. I am going to have to go door to door, put myself in awkward situations when someone slams the door in my face. Having said this I know I have to do it and I will do it because it is the Lord's work not mine. He is having me do this to prepare me for whatever else he has planned for me. I am not married at this time to help find people or just someone to show them how much the Lord loves them and wants them to know of him. He is teaching me skills I thought I never would have and doing things I never would do. I am doing things that have scared me most of my life, but I am loving it. He is pushing me to be where he needs me to be. The other mission I have is to get the young single adults to gain a love for the Temple. I feel so strongly that if they keep going and gain this love and excitement that they would have more strength to fight all the things they are being tempted with. We had our first temple day on Saturday and only three showed up. I am not worried though because that means I have more work to do. I have such a strong testimony of the temple and its power and of its importance. Work and knowledge is important and the keys to a better life. I know this to be true. So I have work to be done. Knowing how is something I am figuring out, but I am doing the Lord's work and I am his instrument so I am in good hands.