What i learned today by watching a movie

This week for me has had a mixtures of emotions inside of me. I have felt angry, sad, heartbroken, numb, love, disappointment and lastly peace. It hasnt been all too pleasant i must say, but then today i watched a movie called How to Make An American Quilt. It may not be the best movie ever made, but after this week I needed this movie. It talks about different kinds of love and life choices. It is a reflections of these older women lives about choices and disappointments about love and acceptance of life. They loved spouses, children, friends, and family. Some stories they didnt end up with the one they loved and other ones did. The people we love may hurt us or disappoint us, but if we truly love then we forgive them. It made me see that love really is a gift. To love and be loved by family, friends, etc. really is something not to neglect or take for granted. There are times we get disappointed or things are not what they seem, but to remember that gift of love can so easily be looked over by all the bad feelings. I realize what I gift I had to love another human being for so long. To love the good and the bad of that person really was such a great thing. The relationship wasnt great at times it was miserable and messed up or not what i wanted it to be, but I loved someone and learned a lot from that love. I get so mad at the result of it or get lost in the disappointment that I lose sight of the greatness of loving someone even if it didnt work out. Although I probably would never know for sure, but I feel that he loved me once a long time ago and that he still cares for me. So I have been loved in my opinion, just not as I much as i loved him. I also realized the other love i have felt. I have felt my families love. Even though they dont get me or understand me or sometimes I feel i dont matter to them, i know they have loved me. Another love is from friends. I do tend to push people away, but having people check on me this week even though they may think it silly i was upset, they supported me. It meant a lot to know people cared. Another thing kind of love I am still working on is the love for myself. I love who I am most of the time, but somethings about me like, I guess you could say I am dramatic at times, but I call it someone who feels deeply. It can be annoying at times. Also I have been told I am unique and at times i love that, but it can be very lonely. I realize i should look at that as a gift. I may not have a lot of friends or people may not understand me, but I get to feel things in a way most do not and that is something not to hate, but to enjoy. It may mean i may break easily and that is what i need to work on, but I need to accept that things are not always going to work out the way i want. Lastly I have felt God's love for me. That has changed me in more ways than I expected. To feel His love for me has made me be able to get through things without feeling bitter for too long. It helps me accept things I probably may not understand, to do things I would not see myself doing. So I have had many gifts of different kinds of loves. I know there are people out there who dont get as much love as me and I hope i never take it for granted. Also we chose how we can see disappointments and heartbreaks. It sucks at times and it is hard. It may come back and hit me again, but I have a choice to dwell in the sadness or bitterness of it or to look at the beauty of it. I think I am going to choose the beauty of it, but i do have to feel that bitterness to see that beauty. I just choose not to dwell in it. I have such a love filled life and I am grateful for that gift to love and to love well even though things dont end the way i wanted it. So that is what I learned from an early '90s movie today.

poem

So today my first love got married and it has been a rough week even though i thought i had mourned already, but i guess i had a little in me still. i wanted to write this last poem as the final feelings of it all. i dont know if it is good, but it is how i felt. enjoy!!

Today You Married Someone Else
Today you knelt across the alter
with the mirrors of eternity behind both of you.
You became sealed to be together forever.
I always thought that would be me,
looking at you with love and devotion across the alter,
while being sealed together and begin the great adventurous journey.
It would have been wonderful I feel.
Now
I am sad today for me,
I lost the person who I felt was it,
the one, the person who was enough
for me,
flaws and all.
I loved the whole you.
Today I also am happy
for you, the man i have loved.
You are with the one you feel
is it, the one, the person
who is enough for you.
You are happy.
I am happy for you
to begin your life with your love.
I feel at peace that what is done is done.
A peace i thought never would come.
I hope she loves you as much or more
than I did.
That she realizes how special you are
the way you are.
I hope she brings out the man you were meant to be
the incredible man you are capable of being.
I hope she loves the whole you, the good
the bad, the light, and the dark.
I love you and my heart is joyful for you
this day even though this day pushed out
the tiny jagged edged hope for us out
of my heart.
I love you so much that your happiness means
more to me than my own.
I am happy that I got to love you,
know this kind of love.
To know what it feels like that
someones happiness brings me happiness
even though I am not that one
to have been enough for you.
I go forth knowing that I have
grown so much better from
just loving you.
Be joyful , my first love,
on this day you married someone else.

Finally Closure!!

So these last few days i have been in Zion National park. While away from home i tend to ponder a lot think about what I need to do to grow more as a person. So I decided to tackle the one thing i have been avoiding for a long time, letting go of my first love. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beauty. I had a lot of what I was feeling held up inside because one, i didn't want to deal with it and the other I had no one to talk to because everyone i love doesn't want to hear it because they were done hearing about it, which i don't blame them. Anyways, so i did something i haven't done in a while, write my feelings in poems. What a great experience for me to do that again. I am one of those people who once they get it out in the open it goes away. I let the anger, sadness, disappointment, questions, and truth out. My first love wasn't normal, it was different, maybe not what i thought it was, unhealthy at times, wonderful, sad, not all his fault and not all mine. It was my first love and it happened the way it did because of our choices and this is the consequences of them. That is not good or bad, it just is. So i wanted to type up a few to let them out and be done. Enjoy!!!

To Let You Go
To let you go means I will lose
the love I have felt.
A love that has been intense, strong, and grew every year.
To let you go feels like I am losing a part of myself,
a dear part of myself.
A part I liked because I loved loving you.
To let you go means to let go of the life I planned
with you, the life I wanted.
To let you go means I was wrong about you,
that I lied to myself about how you felt for me,
that you lied about your feelings.
You used me, lead me on, and to let you go
means I have to face that.
To let you go is closing something fun, lovely, messed up,
and not true.
To let you go means feeling nothing towards you and that is
why it is hard to let you go. I still care for you more
than I want to, but I need to face the truth. To move on means to let go, to go on without you, but I am with out you anyways. So I am letting go for me, for you because I love you and want you happy, but mostly for me because i deserve more.

Questions to God about Heartbreak
Is it wrong to be angry? at him, me,
you? was it me or him?
Is this my fault for some of my
choices?
Did she serve thee better than me?
I fought my way back and besides
happiness as my gift why
couldn't I have him too?
Was he wrong for me or
was I wrong for him?
Why did it feel so right for so long?
Did i lie to myself that he loved
me or did he?
When will I stop caring?
When will I stop missing him?
I can't help but blame
that I did not turn my
life around faster.
I feel like I was asleep for most of those years and now
I am awake I wish I had a chance still.
I feel robbed of something amazing because
of my sleeping.
Was it wrong to love him so long?
Was this the wrong kind of love and
will I love again?
I have a lot of questions I
wish you could answer, but
this may be one of those things
I will never understand.
Please help me to accept what is done.
Help me to move on, heal, give peace
of mind of my first
heartbreak.

Do I Regret You?

Do I regret you?
That is a hard question to ask.
I regret letting you treat me the way you did.
Always your way, never answering my questions when I questioned it,
making me feel silly when I did.
You pulled away when I asked for more but came back when I backed down.
I regret breaking down, letting myself get broken until I didn't recognize myself. For trusting your words of love when actions showed different and ignoring that fact.
Do I regret you?
I regret letting it go on as long as it did and grow as unhealthy as it grew.
Let me change the question now,
Do I regret loving you?
I saw myself wanting to make another happier than me. I wanted to do things for you without you expecting it because I love you.
I got to care about someone more than I thought possible, ahead of everything and everyone.
A love that was so deep and powerful that i never thought possible to feel that way.
I learned how to communicate and work on being more positive, and not afraid to live life, try new things.
Do I regret loving you?
No, even though you used me as your back up, broke my heart, lead me on, played with my emotions,
I do not regret loving you.
My love for you and you breaking my heart taught me how much to love and when it is not love in return.
I learned how I should allow myself to be treated and act healthier in a relationship.
So I do have regrets, but I got to love so deep, so intense, know I am capable of love even if it was not returned and that
is something not to regret.

Roots

The roots of my love for you
started in my heart,
slowly making its way down.
Twisting, winding, finding
a strong place to embed.
Years passed, deeper the
roots pushed,
firmer into the
core of me.
Sometime during those years
it lost strength
became loose
didn't fit well, but the roots stayed.
You never had roots for me
and now you are gone,
loving someone else,
flourishing with someone else
while my roots have to be pulled.
It is messy, painful, tearing up
the roots that have implanted
themselves deep inside me.
Not wanting to let of its tight
grasp it has made it's home for so long.
some of this mess is my doing,
some yours, but
the roots were there and must
come all the way out.
so I yank the roots of my love
Even though
the ground is being torn apart.
One day I will be able to
nourish new roots and
nurture them,
but now will continue to yank
until I am free of these roots
I have for you.

What i have learned about me by going to the Temple

So I received my Endowments almost two months ago and I have never been happier. In the two months I have gone twice a week with my mom. A few years ago I didn't even dream I would even be going to experience this because I wasn't living the Gospel fully. I was doing it half way plus I was caught up in a unhealthy love for a man that, as I see now, was holding me back. The way I was living was not allowing me to love him in a healthy way. Anyways two years ago I decided to live the Gospel because I believed in the church, but not living it fully. I was not receiving all I could have had while living the way I was. It started slow and I gave up a lot of my behaviors that were not making me happy. It is hard to give up things you have made into habits after years of doing them, but I was determined. A year after that I felt I should work on trying to receive my endowments and a year, a long hard year, after that I was worthy to go through. Again that was an awesome day that i can not fully relay to anyone in words, but I was happy more than I have ever been before. So there is a back story on that. :) Now again I go twice a week and to feel that peace that I feel you can receive no where else is such a gift. First going and serving in a way I have never before has been wonderful. I have felt some with me as I do the work for them and that is very overwhelming at times, but wonderful. I can feel their joy which brings me joy. I also have felt calmer in my life and trying to be more understanding of others. At times I grow inpatient with church members, but I need to remember I was struggling once also and we are all on our own path on accepting things. I feel myself being a better person, which when I felt to put Andy and his fiance's name in the Temple last month was asking too much, but I still did it because I felt it was only right. He hurt me and used me, but he deserves to be happy. That is a hard thing to learn, but it is an important one to learn. I have learned that I can grow in more ways and capable of more than I think people expect of me, more than I think I expected of me. One thing I have felt sad for is that there are not more people going. I see more women than men which it is sad that the men's work is not being done as much as the women. Also I have yet to be in a completely full session. I have gone at nights, mornings, Saturdays and it saddens me that we are blessed to have so many Temples by us and they are not being used. I think maybe I may understand this because I have friends that live in other countries and don't have access to them. I know that they would give anything to go as much or more than once a week. I feel the blessings from going and how sad that people in Utah have such great access to those blessings, but do not use that advantage we have over the rest of the world. I love going to the Temple even when not going to seek comfort, but just going to serve. Though yesterday I was having a really crappy day and during I felt the peace, but after I left that peace left too. Went back to having a really hard night, but I did feel the joy in serving underneath my sadness. There is so much to be done and so much joy to be felt. I know this to be true. I am grateful for this and will always be grateful even though I don't understand some things now, but I will. My life hasn't been an easy one and I haven't helped in that, but that is changing now. I am going to have the life I need and not the one I wanted or expected. That is hard to accept to be honest, but I will see the big picture one day. I will still get some things I want, which is not a lot, but that one big thing I wanted I accept that it probably wouldn't have been as great as I imagined it to be. I loved him, but he never loved me as much and that would not have worked. I am glad that I had that heartbreak because it has brought me to the path I needed to be on and that is whats important. This last year has been a great growing experience and I know much of that growth comes from going and knowing the importance of Temple work.