Finally Closure!!

So these last few days i have been in Zion National park. While away from home i tend to ponder a lot think about what I need to do to grow more as a person. So I decided to tackle the one thing i have been avoiding for a long time, letting go of my first love. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beauty. I had a lot of what I was feeling held up inside because one, i didn't want to deal with it and the other I had no one to talk to because everyone i love doesn't want to hear it because they were done hearing about it, which i don't blame them. Anyways, so i did something i haven't done in a while, write my feelings in poems. What a great experience for me to do that again. I am one of those people who once they get it out in the open it goes away. I let the anger, sadness, disappointment, questions, and truth out. My first love wasn't normal, it was different, maybe not what i thought it was, unhealthy at times, wonderful, sad, not all his fault and not all mine. It was my first love and it happened the way it did because of our choices and this is the consequences of them. That is not good or bad, it just is. So i wanted to type up a few to let them out and be done. Enjoy!!!

To Let You Go
To let you go means I will lose
the love I have felt.
A love that has been intense, strong, and grew every year.
To let you go feels like I am losing a part of myself,
a dear part of myself.
A part I liked because I loved loving you.
To let you go means to let go of the life I planned
with you, the life I wanted.
To let you go means I was wrong about you,
that I lied to myself about how you felt for me,
that you lied about your feelings.
You used me, lead me on, and to let you go
means I have to face that.
To let you go is closing something fun, lovely, messed up,
and not true.
To let you go means feeling nothing towards you and that is
why it is hard to let you go. I still care for you more
than I want to, but I need to face the truth. To move on means to let go, to go on without you, but I am with out you anyways. So I am letting go for me, for you because I love you and want you happy, but mostly for me because i deserve more.

Questions to God about Heartbreak
Is it wrong to be angry? at him, me,
you? was it me or him?
Is this my fault for some of my
choices?
Did she serve thee better than me?
I fought my way back and besides
happiness as my gift why
couldn't I have him too?
Was he wrong for me or
was I wrong for him?
Why did it feel so right for so long?
Did i lie to myself that he loved
me or did he?
When will I stop caring?
When will I stop missing him?
I can't help but blame
that I did not turn my
life around faster.
I feel like I was asleep for most of those years and now
I am awake I wish I had a chance still.
I feel robbed of something amazing because
of my sleeping.
Was it wrong to love him so long?
Was this the wrong kind of love and
will I love again?
I have a lot of questions I
wish you could answer, but
this may be one of those things
I will never understand.
Please help me to accept what is done.
Help me to move on, heal, give peace
of mind of my first
heartbreak.

Do I Regret You?

Do I regret you?
That is a hard question to ask.
I regret letting you treat me the way you did.
Always your way, never answering my questions when I questioned it,
making me feel silly when I did.
You pulled away when I asked for more but came back when I backed down.
I regret breaking down, letting myself get broken until I didn't recognize myself. For trusting your words of love when actions showed different and ignoring that fact.
Do I regret you?
I regret letting it go on as long as it did and grow as unhealthy as it grew.
Let me change the question now,
Do I regret loving you?
I saw myself wanting to make another happier than me. I wanted to do things for you without you expecting it because I love you.
I got to care about someone more than I thought possible, ahead of everything and everyone.
A love that was so deep and powerful that i never thought possible to feel that way.
I learned how to communicate and work on being more positive, and not afraid to live life, try new things.
Do I regret loving you?
No, even though you used me as your back up, broke my heart, lead me on, played with my emotions,
I do not regret loving you.
My love for you and you breaking my heart taught me how much to love and when it is not love in return.
I learned how I should allow myself to be treated and act healthier in a relationship.
So I do have regrets, but I got to love so deep, so intense, know I am capable of love even if it was not returned and that
is something not to regret.

Roots

The roots of my love for you
started in my heart,
slowly making its way down.
Twisting, winding, finding
a strong place to embed.
Years passed, deeper the
roots pushed,
firmer into the
core of me.
Sometime during those years
it lost strength
became loose
didn't fit well, but the roots stayed.
You never had roots for me
and now you are gone,
loving someone else,
flourishing with someone else
while my roots have to be pulled.
It is messy, painful, tearing up
the roots that have implanted
themselves deep inside me.
Not wanting to let of its tight
grasp it has made it's home for so long.
some of this mess is my doing,
some yours, but
the roots were there and must
come all the way out.
so I yank the roots of my love
Even though
the ground is being torn apart.
One day I will be able to
nourish new roots and
nurture them,
but now will continue to yank
until I am free of these roots
I have for you.