So I received my Endowments almost two months ago and I have never been happier. In the two months I have gone twice a week with my mom. A few years ago I didn't even dream I would even be going to experience this because I wasn't living the Gospel fully. I was doing it half way plus I was caught up in a unhealthy love for a man that, as I see now, was holding me back. The way I was living was not allowing me to love him in a healthy way. Anyways two years ago I decided to live the Gospel because I believed in the church, but not living it fully. I was not receiving all I could have had while living the way I was. It started slow and I gave up a lot of my behaviors that were not making me happy. It is hard to give up things you have made into habits after years of doing them, but I was determined. A year after that I felt I should work on trying to receive my endowments and a year, a long hard year, after that I was worthy to go through. Again that was an awesome day that i can not fully relay to anyone in words, but I was happy more than I have ever been before. So there is a back story on that. :) Now again I go twice a week and to feel that peace that I feel you can receive no where else is such a gift. First going and serving in a way I have never before has been wonderful. I have felt some with me as I do the work for them and that is very overwhelming at times, but wonderful. I can feel their joy which brings me joy. I also have felt calmer in my life and trying to be more understanding of others. At times I grow inpatient with church members, but I need to remember I was struggling once also and we are all on our own path on accepting things. I feel myself being a better person, which when I felt to put Andy and his fiance's name in the Temple last month was asking too much, but I still did it because I felt it was only right. He hurt me and used me, but he deserves to be happy. That is a hard thing to learn, but it is an important one to learn. I have learned that I can grow in more ways and capable of more than I think people expect of me, more than I think I expected of me. One thing I have felt sad for is that there are not more people going. I see more women than men which it is sad that the men's work is not being done as much as the women. Also I have yet to be in a completely full session. I have gone at nights, mornings, Saturdays and it saddens me that we are blessed to have so many Temples by us and they are not being used. I think maybe I may understand this because I have friends that live in other countries and don't have access to them. I know that they would give anything to go as much or more than once a week. I feel the blessings from going and how sad that people in Utah have such great access to those blessings, but do not use that advantage we have over the rest of the world. I love going to the Temple even when not going to seek comfort, but just going to serve. Though yesterday I was having a really crappy day and during I felt the peace, but after I left that peace left too. Went back to having a really hard night, but I did feel the joy in serving underneath my sadness. There is so much to be done and so much joy to be felt. I know this to be true. I am grateful for this and will always be grateful even though I don't understand some things now, but I will. My life hasn't been an easy one and I haven't helped in that, but that is changing now. I am going to have the life I need and not the one I wanted or expected. That is hard to accept to be honest, but I will see the big picture one day. I will still get some things I want, which is not a lot, but that one big thing I wanted I accept that it probably wouldn't have been as great as I imagined it to be. I loved him, but he never loved me as much and that would not have worked. I am glad that I had that heartbreak because it has brought me to the path I needed to be on and that is whats important. This last year has been a great growing experience and I know much of that growth comes from going and knowing the importance of Temple work.
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