Christmas is the best!

What a great Christmas. It was spent with family, food and the Spirit. Nothing is better than those three things. I received great presents this year. A new coat which was very much needed, a statue of my fave princess Sleeping Beauty(thanks Camille), a story about Christmas story by my father, and a book called 21 Days Closer to Christ. My nieces and nephews reminded me how exciting Christmas can be and remembering what it is to be a child. I love having young children around now at Christmas. They make it so fun.
So my pondering of this day to celebrate the beginning of the Savior's mission on earth has been a happy one. Yes the birth is important, but it is how He lived and taught that is important. Also His death and Resurrection that is wonderful as well. But today was the day to remember that glorious night our Savior came down to redeem all men. How amazing that night must have been to see this baby be born who in 33 years would suffer and die for all man would be able to return to our Father in heaven. He came knowing He would suffer to pay our debts from our sins and make it possible to be able to repent. I love the Savior and am in continuous awe of Him. I am looking forward to this book to help me stretch and grow more spiritually. I have grown a lot spiritually already this year, but I know I have so much more to go. I want to push myself more to be in tune. Even though I can say now that I no longer just believe in the Savior, but I know He lives. I know and He is my best friend, but I want to know more and be closer to Him so I can serve Him better and do His work better. There is this quote by C.S Lewis in the beginning of this book that struck me. It says, "You are embarking on something which is going to take the whole of you". What a wonderful and scary thing to know. I am excited, but know I am going to be pushing myself to grow in ways that may seem hard or uncomfortable, but it will be worth it and it will be beautiful in the end. So that is what I have pondered this Christmas and looking forward to growing more. Merry Christmas friends!

Trying to lose the rest of this weight sucks!

I have been trying to lose weight on and off for about two years now. I have lost almost about 80lbs now, but I am 30lbs away to the goal i want. I started off wanting to get down to a size 16, but now I am so close to being so that I changed it to get to a size 12. Today I put on a dress I haven't worn since 2002 and it fit. I got excited after a lot of hard work is paying off, but it is still hell. I am changing not only exercising almost everyday, but my eating habits. The hardest thing for me is giving up Dr. Pepper. I love, love, love my Dr. Pepper. I have 3 a day, I know that is horrible, but I used to drink 6, so i have improved. I hope you will give me some credit on trying to conquering this addiction!:) Now I am giving it up. I bought 5 12 packs yesterday and when those are gone no more Dr. Pepper for me. A sad, sad day in my life, but I have to for my health and weight loss. I also have been working on my eating habits that I have had for 20 years. That is hard, but I am determined to be a healthy person. I don't want to be super skinny, just healthy. Also my friends and family are pushing me to run a 5K. So I think that is going to be a goal I set for myself even though I loathe running with a huge passion!!!!! But with that said, it is a good clear goal for me to just try. I am getting huge on just trying and giving things a chance lately. I did that with the Gospel two years ago, to try to live it fully and not partly, and now look how I have changed and grown into this happy, calmer person. I think it is important to do all you can in this life and live it. So fat on my body that is being so stubborn to come off. You have been warned that this is going to be the biggest battle yet. I just wish you would be more of a team player like you were for the first 70lbs. That fat came off fast, but no, now you have to be difficult. Well I can be too!!! Wish me luck everyone!!!

Spiritual Milestones

I was thinking a lot about milestones in every aspect of life lately (have not been sleeping well so my mind is thinking a lot. I just hope people who read this don't think I am oh so serious now because again I am very balanced. I am just growing a lot spiritually this year, crazy fast. I am making up for all those years I screwed around :)). It is funny where my brain goes to tie up random thoughts I have had through out many weeks. One of my primary kids got baptised over the weekend and I thought she is now having one of the spiritual milestones that we must have in life to learn from and get to the next step. My uncle who passed away is having another spiritual milestone by going on to the next life. I had a milestone 8 months ago by receiving that awesome gift of my endowments in the temple. Those are all amazing happy milestones that we get to experience in this life and even in the next. We also have to have those sad milestones. A few weeks ago I was in Deseret Book looking around. For those who know me I am not a person who usually cries. I am not emotional at all, that being said I was looking at all the amazing pictures of the Savior. My heart was full of love then I saw the painting called Against the Wind by Liz Lemon Swindle. I started to get teary eyed right there in the store. Why you ask, a girl who rarely cries unless I am really hurting, well I looked at that painting and I know exactly how that feels to be drowning and our Savior is holding on to you, trying to hold you up. Trying to pull you out, grasping so hard, being so scared and to be lifted up finally embracing my Savior. I have such a love for my big brother. He is my best friend and I am eternally grateful to Him for holding on to me and never letting go. Every time I think of Him or see a painting of Him I get teary eyed which I love but also find strange since again I have never ever been like this until recently. My family teases me about it. I guess it is funny to see how I have changed :). Anyways as embarrassing as that story may be the other day it hit me that we also have to hit that hard trial and know what it feels like to have the Lord hold on to you even when you want to let go, He never will. He may loose His grip a little because sometimes we need to fight on our own, but He is there supporting us. Anyways it is another spiritual milestone that we all have to have to grow spiritually. As crappy as it can be, but it is for our own good. My last thought is we all have to allow our hearts open to for us to hit our milestones, but our Lord also gives us many chances to do so. If we miss it once, He will allow us to do it again until we get it. We are all our on our own awesome journey of learning. I am glad of this because I remember when I was in my early 20's and I could have hit one and I didn't until recently. If He gave us only one chance, man I would be screwed!!! So this is what happens when random thoughts become one in the strange, but pretty cool brain of Amy. ( I just hope it makes sense to all of you because it always makes sense to me, but i do get that others may get lost.)

A Milestone in my Career

I have hit a major achievement in my career, so before I reveal what it is I first have to thank some people. First my high school teacher who took me to a child care facility knowing that I would be good at teaching children and helped me get my first teaching job. Second all the kids I have taught over the years, without you this would not be possible. Third, all the teachers who have trained me and helped me become the teacher I am today and I am continuing to grow and learn from other professionals. So what is this milestone I have made in my 11 years of teaching young children you ask? Well as of today I have potty trained my 200th child. Yes, I have trained 200 young children how to use the toilet. Crazy huh? I did the math today during my lunch. I was bored and I just had a kid today who got the hang of it and so I was like, hmm how many kids have I potty trained? Truly an accomplishment I will continue to brag about for the rest of my life and more children will be added to that number in the coming years. I know you are all jealous of my major accomplishment, I can feel it! :)
Also I realized I haven't really updated on me lately besides my spiritual things, so I thought I would take a moment to do so. Well, still socially awkward, but continuing to work on trying to be a little less. Not that I will ever be completely not awkward socially, but a little less would be super great. Also still working on losing these last 30lbs. Kicking my butt hard with slow results, but will continue to kick butt. Also after many years of not really having a celebrity crush because I really don't watch a lot of TV, but someone got me hooked on the show the vampire diaries and I fell fantasy in love with the actor on there. I really could stare at him all day and never get bored. I'm really not in love with him, I just like looking at him, so basically I am in visual lust with him. I don't want to know anything about him or any of that crap, again I just enjoy looking at him. I mean maybe I would like to make out with him once or twice and I think could die happy and completely satisfied with my life!! Just Kidding. So that is the update of me, still happy and truly loving my simple life that some may see as boring, but I live life with a great love and appreciation that is so simply perfect. Learning all I can, loving as much as I can, growing in scary new awesome ways as a human being, and just love being plain ordinary. I believe that being an ordinary person is truly extraordinary. I don't need to do a lot of amazing things to matter in this life. Loving and serving the Lord the best I can, being kind to others, work hard on everything I need to, and working on always trying to be the best person in this life is all I feel that matters. Life is good in the life of Amy!!!

A day to feel grateful

Today is Thanksgiving and for those who know me I am a person who ponders a lot. I have been pondering about my great life. I really do have more than I probably deserve. I have a great family, even though I am the black sheep and they sure love to tease me, they love me and are there for me when I need them. I have a great job and work with great people. I have a great class this year who I just love. I love my callings Primary and even my hard one Young Single Adult rep. I am grateful for the pushing the callings give to me to be better and rely more on the Lord to help do his work. I find much joy and happiness in teaching the gospel, even when it gets hard, but I can not think of anything else I rather be doing. I am grateful to live so close to so many temples that I get to go to twice a week. I know that this is a huge blessing that I hope I will never take for granted. The temple has brought so much light into my life and has changed me I feel forever. I am grateful that I have loved and continue to be capable to love even when heartbreak happens that I can look on loving someone as a positive experience and to look past the heartbreak and see it as a experience I will never regret even when it turned out not the way I felt it would. I am grateful for my fears without them I wouldn't have a reason to keep pushing myself to be better and to conquer them. Lastly I am grateful for my Savior. His love and grace has saved me and I will always be grateful for that. I would not have this joy in this life without Him and I will never forget that He has a great hand in my life. I love Him with all my heart and gladly serve Him in every way I can. What a truly blessed life I have. Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Families are Forever

These last two weeks have been a sad one and yet happy at the same time. My uncle Mike had a stroke during his surgery to fix a broken bone. He was recovering and was put in a care facility where they forgot to clean his catheter and he went into septic shock. He could not recover and sadly he passed away last night. I am sad, but it is harder to see my mom go through losing her brother before she expected it. During these last few weeks I have had some pretty amazing experiences. After his surgery and before we knew things were going to get better at that time and before the septic shock, we visited. I was sitting there thinking how sad this was when I felt my Grandpa Burt's spirit enter the room. At first I was like, wait am I really feeling this. I then began to cry and knew it was real. I asked if it was him and I heard a voice say, "yes I am here". Freaked me out, but not scary freak out, freak out that I am not used to this. I have been somewhat in tune before and not in tune at all. To now be in tune, (not fully in tune but in tune for this), I am getting used to it. Then last week when we knew my uncle was going to die we went to visit him in his home. In that room I felt my grandma now. She was there strongly and when leaving I let my cousin know. While I was telling her I got a very strong impression to tell my cousin that my Grandma loved her. Again, freaked out because I am not used to it. If only I was in tune to other things that would help life choices would be a little easier and know for a fact what I am feeling is right, but I know these thing grow line upon line. I am grateful to be in tune to some things and I know that the reason is because I go to the temple every week. It helps me be in tune to those things spiritual. Being able to be in tune to my grandparents again proves that families are together forever through our Heavenly Father's plan, as the primary song says! I love that I have this knowledge and KNOW it is true. I am grateful for that knowledge. So I am sad my uncle has passed but know he is with his awesome parents again and is no longer suffering. I love my family and grateful that I have an opportunity to be with them forever. What an awesome promise God has made us if we work hard to do our best in this life. I love it!!! I ask those to pray for my cousins and aunt on losing my uncle so unexpectedly, but I know the Lord will give them peace and comfort as they mourn. Again I love my family and I wish them nothing but love and comfort during their grief. Families are Forever!!!

(so I know I have only posted spiritual things on here, but really nothing much is going on in my easy, simple, great life but these great spiritual things. I really do have other things going on and I am not church and God all the time. I am well balanced just in case anyone was wondering. But the Gospel is my main priority in life. I lived a life too long with making it only just a little and I am never going to make that mistake again because I have never been happier until I started making it a main priority. Just had to throw that in there because I realized I have mostly talked spiritual, not that that is wrong, but wanted to make sure people knew I am balanced. :) )

Razzlemadazzle Award

So today I received the Razzlemadazzle employee of the Month nominated by my co workers. I thought it was sweet of them to think of me. I get one hour extra for lunch or leave an hour early. Plus my awesome co worker, who knows me too well, made me an awesome Russian hat. I love it!!! So I thought I would type on here what my co workers said about me because it really was sweet and very unexpected. I am used to being in the background because that is how I work, but it was nice to see that they do notice all I do for them because I really do care for them and their happiness.

What they said:
Amy is committed to making the center better.
Amy goes above and beyond to benefit others.
Amy is always willing to support her teachers. She is enthusiastic with supporting her co workers, her students, and the center program as a whole.
Amy takes initiative.
Amy is always willing to help you professionally and personally.
Amy takes on the nasty work to make the center better.
Amy donates her time to others.
I see Amy talking to everyone and showing interest in other teachers and what is going on with them. She is so amazing in the classroom and in being so willing to take on extra projects that make our center better. Not only did she take on a huge project by doing the library, but she was also ready to organize our Friday treats to make it fun and fair for everyone.
Amy is an excellent person and I am glad she is here!
For her work in the library
Amy is donating her time to organize the library. That is a huge multi-person project.

Thanks to my co workers for all they said, but I do it all for them not me to receive praise. I hope that they realize how special they are to me and I want the to know how amazing they all are as teachers and human beings. Plus I love my Russian Hat!!! I will treasure it always. The small stuff is what is the best.

A few can make a big difference

Wednesday was the night planned for going to the temple to do Baptisms with Young Single Adults. This is something I feel is important to get them to gain a strong testimony of the temple. I was sitting there waiting and waiting for people to show up. Finally one of our leaders showed up and then the other leader showed up with his daughter and her boyfriend. He told us one other person was coming. Leader number 1 I will call him, started saying that maybe we should not go. That he didn't feel comfortable going with so little people. I said I feel that we should go still. That even though there were few of us we would most likely do 10 baptisms and 5 confirmations. That is 15 people each that we could help. The other leader, number 2, said that I would hate for us not to go, but we didn't have any family names and though the temple said they would have names for us, but he felt like we shouldn't go because we should of had the names. I then felt to say that it is wrong not to go. That we took this appointment from another group who could of gone, said we would be there, and they prepared names for us and to then not show up after all that is not good at all. I kept pushing, nicely, for 20 minutes that we should just go and do what we could. Finally the leaders agreed and we went off to the Bountiful Temple, my fave! While doing the confirmations the workers came in. The other girl and I had done 10 confirmations each by this time and the men were doing theirs, 10 each. The temple workers said that since we were the last group that we had to do some evening out. So he gave me and the other girl 15 more names each for confirmations and we did 5 baptisms each. The men got about 10 more confirmations each and did 20 baptisms each. That is 190 people who's work got done that night with 4 men and two women!!! It goes to show you that a few can do a lot of the Lord's work and make a difference. When we got back to our cars leader number 2 said to me, "thank you for helping us make the right choice by pushing us to go. It was the right thing to do." The thing is it is not me, but the Lord working through me. Although He didn't give me the words to say or give me strong impressions to push, but He has allowed me feel the power of the temple, has allowed my heart to be touched so by the Temple and to know how important the temple is. I know I have said it before and I will say it again, I love the temple!!!! I love serving the Lord there and doing the work. I have never felt so much joy until the day I received my endowments and for most of these 7 months have gone mostly twice a week or on some busy weeks just once. I have only missed 3 weeks at not going at all. I am not saying look how great I am because I am not. I am a very flawed human being, but I am grateful that I am worthy to go to the house of the Lord and serve him. I am simply saying that I know that if you go often you will feel this joy that I didn't know was possible. You can make a difference in those spirits lives who did not receive this great gift themselves in this life. They are waiting so patiently for us to do it. Anyways although I am a little sad that not many showed up and I have a lot of work to do, plus I was a little irritated I had to convince my leaders to go, but we did go and we made a difference that night. I am just going to have to fast and pray to figure out what I can do to help the ones who are living now on earth to gain a strong testimony of the temple as much as I have. I know it is mostly up to them, but I feel a little push couldn't hurt, right? I just want people as happy as I am. As President Uchtdorf has said, " You don't have to be perfect to go to the temple, but the temple can perfect you." I love that and know I feel like I do a little bit better in life and work a little harder to be better in life because of the temple. It has calmed me down as my family has constantly pointed out to me. It has given me confidence, happiness, love and so much more. I love who I am becoming because of the temple in my life. The Amy before was ok, but who I am becoming is who I have always meant to be. I thank my Lord and Savior for helping become who I am now. I couldn't be this happy and doing His work as much as I am doing without His hand in my life. The Lord can to that for you too if you just let Him in and allow Him to help guide your life and push you to reach your full potential. I know I am far from my full potential, a great distance away, but I am looking forward to see what happens in my life to help me get there. Also I know it is not always going to be pleasant and it is not always going to be easy, but I know whatever happens is necessary for me to get where the Lord needs me to be and that is what I always need to remember. It is easy now to remember since my life is going great, but when it gets hard I need to remember this.

I am Rich!!!

In institute on Wednesday we came across a scripture that spoke to me. It is in the Book of Mormon 2 Nephi chapter 9 verse 50 "Come, my brethren, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters; and he that hath no money, come buy and eat; yea, come buy wine and milk without money and with out price." Then in verse 51 it says, "wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy. Hearken diligently unto me, and remember the words which I have spoken: and come unto the Holy One of Israel, and feast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted, and let your soul delight in fatness." ( i put my fave words in bold) I love this scripture. It is so true that the Gospel of Christ is sweet like wine (well i have never tasted wine, but i have heard it is sweet) and rich like milk. It is offered to us all, poor, middle class or rich. Young or old, anyone may drink of this wonderful love, forgiveness, joy, and beautiful light it brings to your life. You just have to accept it. I am so grateful to have been born into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and not have to go far looking for this joy. I just had to be ready to accept it fully and yes it did take me a long time to fully accept it, but I did and I have never been happier. I had to go through this journey to get to the point when my heart was ready and willing to accept this great gift. I am glad I finally made that choice to drink. I didn't know how thirsty I was until 2 years ago and I had only drank a little until then. I am always going to be thirsty to drink more, but I am going to drink up as much as I can and do the best I can. I don't feel the Lord asks much of us, in fact I feel he has given us some pretty reasonable expectations. Also I am grateful that I have never been materialistic. I am grateful that I have had comfort more than most and some may think I am poor, but I am rich with the Gospel in my life. I need nothing more than that. If one day the Lord asks me to give what I have up to serve him, I gladly will because again it is all I need in this life. I am gaining this great love for the Book of Mormon in this class. I have always believed that they are words from God, but I am gaining a knowledge for myself that they are the words of God. I am looking forward to learning more throughout the rest of my life of this amazing gift and guide our Savior has given us. I am not the best at scripture study because I take things too literal, but that is something I am working through to truly understand what the words teach, but I do know that they are important words and words of love. This my goal to do my best to study every night and that is something I am working on too is to make it a nightly thing. I love the scriptures, but I have to make my day fit around studying them not study them if I remember or hurry. I need to truly study it. So I am rich!! Some may not see it that way, but I feel that way, so that is all that matters.

Dating

I know a few weeks ago I said I didn't want to date, but something has happened that changed that. I got hit on by a cute guy in my institute class. At first I didn't realize he was until after he walked away. It has been a while since I have noticed that stuff because I was so focused on that gut feeling that Andy was going to be my husband that i stopped paying attention. Anyways the guy was very cute, but he was young. Although nothing may come from it, but I hope something does because I want to enjoy dating again, it made me realize I am mostly scared to go through what Andy put me through. I don't want to feel not good enough ever again. Andy made me feel that way by pulling me in than pushing me away. Saying he thinks about marrying me to then say he only saw me as a friend. By saying he loved me but for reasons I would never know it couldn't be. Or saying he works to forget about me and could stare at me all day and never get bored. He confused me a lot. Anyways, people say Andy was a user or a jerk, but I choose to see that he just didn't know what he wanted. I could feel that way because maybe I'm afraid to see that he was a jerk in fear of realizing what a loser I have been to have wasted so much time and love on him. There is not a doubt that I loved Andy a lot, but that love made me lose myself and I tried so hard to prove I was good enough. He is not totally to blame for this. Just only half to blame. I wasn't living the best way at the time and I acted needy a lot and wasn't myself really, so that didn't help with the situation. I am not too proud of that, but I am now back to me. I am happier, confident, more spiritual, more in tune, and more physically active in working out everyday. Andy made me feel insecure about myself. I want to believe he loved me, I mean I feel strongly he did, but I will never know and now it really doesn't matter. I hope he is happy in his marriage. That is all i want for him even after how he treated me. I want him to have the life he wants and I hope that makes him happy. Even if he was a "jerk" as people say. Anyways I know I am a great catch and I need to show that. I am smart, funny, devoted to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints more than i have ever been (I love the gospel), I am unique, and so much more. Plus I am losing more weight and I am hotter than I have ever been. I was hot when I was chunkier, but getting even hotter. I know it is impossible to imagine because I have always been hot stuff, but it is true i am getting hotter! Anyways I am not going to be scared of having another Andy relationship again. If the guys I date don't realize how great I am that is their loss and I will drop them fast. I am not going to make the mistake to hold on to a guy who doesn't deserve me or appreciate me like he should. Andy never did but I think Andy married a great girl. Well I am guessing because I never met her and he never talked much about her when we went out eight months ago, but he did date me, so we know he has good taste. So no more fear and just going to have fun and enjoy dating again!! Yeah me!

My Brain and wish for it

I really dislike that I am socially awkward. I have this great brain that sees the world in a different way. I think strange thoughts and it is a wonderful thing, but what good are these great thoughts when I cant express them eloquently? It is very annoying that I can not express myself in words at all and sound "special" when speaking. In my head I sound brilliant, but when it comes out of my mouth, not so much. It is very hard when I have so much I want to give and do, but I cant express my feelings about it without being misunderstood. Why could I not have been blessed with that great skill to sound smart like I know I am. So I was thinking what I could do to improve this flaw I have and cant think of what would work. So either I live with it or figure out how to speak eloquently. For example I am basically a missionary with the Young Single Adult group and even though there are days I dont want to go door to door, I do it because it is the Lords work. After I do it, like yesterday, I feel great and see the need for what I am doing. The problem is that how am I suppose to help the young singles if I cant express to them in ways they can relate? Luckily I have an 18 year old boy who is getting ready for a mission who is my partner to help, but he is leaving in a few months. I need to work on this I know, but how? So here is my plan 1: have confidence, I mean I am pretty confident mostly, but not with social things. I am confident of who I am, but not when showing who I am to others, so need to work on that. 2: practice thinking before talking. There is nothing worse than thinking about a social situation after it happens and realize all the things that came out didnt come out the way you wanted. That happens alot to me. 3: lastly pray for help. I know the Lord will help me with something I want to improve. He will help me grow and make my flaws a little better. One thing that will help is my new positive attitude in life. I get frustrated, but I know I can work on it and that is great to work on being better at things you find you lack in. I fully will be the first to admit I lack in social skills. So me, my great brain, and my mouth are all going to work together on improving Amy to be better and less socially awkward. I know I will never fully not be socially awkward, but being a little less is better, right?

My love for Russia and the former Soviet countries

I know I have just recently posted something, but I had to share this. Today during the conference break I watched a program about the Ukrainian Temple. The first two minutes I was teary eyed. I love that part of the world. My love for the people comes from a place that I do not know where it came from or understand yet. I feel that I am a part of them or going to be a part of them one day. They have such wonderfully strong testimonies and such simple faith that I feel is lost at times here in Utah. These people have been through so much and continue to go through so much, but yet they have this amazing compassion, faith, and love that is inspiring. They understand hard work and sacrifice that a lot of us can not comprehend, but they are so strong and faithful. I am so happy for these people to finally have a working temple in their midst. I know they will not take it for granted. The work that is going on there is so important and they get that. My heart is touched by the love these people have for the Lord and His work. It took 12 years until they got the temple, but they were determined to make it happen. I can't wait until the day I finally get over there. I really want to live there and work with those people in serving the Lord. I can't wait until I finally can afford to visit there and be where I feel I am meant to be. I can't wait until I can go to that temple and do a session there. I hope I will be around when the Lord feels Russia is ready for a temple. I want to be there, if that happens, when it is dedicated. These people's love, dedication, and faith should be examples to us all. I know I get made fun of for my passion for these people, but know that I do have a deep love for them and again looking forward to going there eventually.

My happy life without dating or loving someone

I am just amazed at how happy I have been. 6 months straight and going strong. I remember last year at this time Andy told me he was getting married and how devastated I was. Now I am happy and so in love with my life. I haven't seen or talked to Andy since we went out in February for his birthday. As nice as that night was and it was nice for closure too, but it was dumb for me to do it since he was engaged. Anyways, now it is nice to see how much happier I am without having him in my life. I will always have a special place for him in my heart, but I realize that he is happy and that is all that matters. Now that I am over him and yet I still don't want to date. I just have no desire to get out there and deal with all that crap. I am just enjoying being with friends/family, going to the temple twice a week, reading my scriptures, learning from the scriptures, my job, and so much more. I am excited to keep growing and improving myself that I don't really want to bring in the stress of dating and relationships. Maybe that is wrong, but I feel that is right for me at this time. I just want to enjoy and explore this new life of happiness I have. To try new things and just live a life that I don't take for granted anymore. I am not perfect and I have so much to learn and so much growing to do, but this journey I am on is the path I want to be on because it is the path the Lord wants me on. He really does know what is best for me and it does bring joy into life. I know this to be true because I am experiencing it now. Joy is my feeling in life and my new fave word. It truly is a word that describes my life now. Trying to do your best to live the gospel fully really does change your life for the better. I have such a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know it is true without a doubt. Now onward I go learning and serving my Lord and growing finally to who I am and need to be. Life is awesome!!! and without dating!!!! (can i say joy anymore in one paragraph without sounding annoying? eh, oh well I am just expressing my feelings, so if you are annoyed shame on you for being annoyed with my joy!! but also sorry too!!!)

New family member and maybe new career?

This week started off with the birth of my new nephew Jacob Jared. Parents are my older sister and her husband. He is so cute and tiny. I love him so much already. Trying to figure out what nickname to give him. Erin is bushka, Seth is mal'chik which is Russian for little boy, and McKenzie is burunduk which is Russian for chipmunk. I think I will wait to see what his personality is like before I decide. Another thing that has come up in my mind is a new career one day. First I would like to say I love my job. Teaching young children has been an enriching experience. I also feel I have grown in many ways and I am good at it. This whole new thought about maybe changing started two weeks ago. I am taking an institute class on the Book of Mormon. I am scripture dumb to be honest, but I am enjoying learning in this class and working hard to understand. I was listening to my teacher and this thought came to me, "you want to do this". I at first thought, what? Me? I am not known for knowing the scriptures and I dont think I could do it. The next few days I pondered about it and felt that this is where I need to head eventually. I love the gospel and to teach it will be the best thing ever. I think once I get some studying down and finish paying off my debts, ( i know i will not be paid much to be an institute or seminary teacher), that I should work towards this. I want to help young people understand the gospel better and help them gain a love for it as I have these last few years. I think me being young at times emotionally helps me connect to young people and for some strange reason they trust me quickly. So this is what I feel I need to work towards in my life. It is not going to happen anytime soon, but I feel if I work hard and want it I have a chance at it. I don't think any other job will do besides what I am doing now. So we shall see what the future brings and looking forward to working towards this. If this is where I feel the Lord wants me to go then it will work out.

The Lord's Work

Sunday I woke up feeling that I was going to feel inspired to bare my testimony, so I prayed to my Heavenly Father that I did not want to. It is not that I dont love sharing my testimony, but he has been having me do it a lot these last few months. He told me in a blessing to do so, but I didnt think it was going to be almost every month. Anyways, so got to church and felt that I needed to. I really did not have a lot to say and most of it was random thoughts. I mentioned like I always do my love of the Temple and its work, my new calling(the fear it brings), and I am far from perfect. So just random thoughts and I bet more people think I am strange socially, which I am. After that went to teach primary, which I love and after that a woman came up to me. She told me that her two daughters should be on my list and we discovered that they were not. She told me they are having a hard time coming to church and may need a push. I find it amazing how the Lord works and how important it is to be in tune. If I didn't go up I would not have their names and wouldn't go visit them on our door to door campaign. (i feel like such a missionary, which is great since i didnt go because I thought i would have lost Andy, but lost him anyways :) ). I remember the blessing my brother gave me a few weeks ago about my fear of this calling and the social aspect of it. Social things are my weakness I admit. Anyways he said, "this is not your work but my work and my work will be done." I pondered about that yesterday and realized the Lord was saying if you are not going to do it I will give it to someone who will. I realized at that moment I wanted to be the one who did it and grow in my weaknesses. Also to receive that joy from doing the work. There are two kinds of people in the church, those who do the work or those who watch the work be done. I want to be the one who does it. I love doing the work. It is hard but I love it because I have such a testimony of the Gospel. I know this is the complete truth and living it brings happiness. I only half way lived it before and I not perfect, ( far from it, i mean I do have a mouth on me), but doing my best to live it has brought me so much joy. It has changed me for the better and I am so much happier than I ever have been. I love my life and humbled everyday by the gifts I have. I dont think I will ever make up for my past and taking for granted this life I have, but I will work hard to a least make up for some of it. I have this great comfortable, balanced life with a great job as well as an awesome family and friends. So my last thought is let us all work hard to do the work and not watch. I promise you that you will find joy serving the Lord. The Lord gives you these things to prepare you and to help you grow into what he needs you to be. We all have this great potential to be great servants to our Heavenly Father and I hope we all will try.

My New Goal

So on Sunday I went to a fireside where the amazing Sherri Dew spoke. She talked about influences and what influences your life. My life now has been influenced a lot by the Temple. It has changed me for the better. She talked about finding out your purpose in life and what the Lord wants you to do. I recently got called to be the Young Single Adult Rep in my home ward. So I am still in my primary calling, but I have this other one. This one scares me to death. I have to do things and put myself in situations that I have avoided for most of my life. I have to contact 73 people who are young single adults in the ward, but only 6 of them go to church. I am going to have to go door to door, put myself in awkward situations when someone slams the door in my face. Having said this I know I have to do it and I will do it because it is the Lord's work not mine. He is having me do this to prepare me for whatever else he has planned for me. I am not married at this time to help find people or just someone to show them how much the Lord loves them and wants them to know of him. He is teaching me skills I thought I never would have and doing things I never would do. I am doing things that have scared me most of my life, but I am loving it. He is pushing me to be where he needs me to be. The other mission I have is to get the young single adults to gain a love for the Temple. I feel so strongly that if they keep going and gain this love and excitement that they would have more strength to fight all the things they are being tempted with. We had our first temple day on Saturday and only three showed up. I am not worried though because that means I have more work to do. I have such a strong testimony of the temple and its power and of its importance. Work and knowledge is important and the keys to a better life. I know this to be true. So I have work to be done. Knowing how is something I am figuring out, but I am doing the Lord's work and I am his instrument so I am in good hands.

Camping

So i went camping during my birthday. I love camping and i wish i did it more often. I love going up into the mountains, fresh air, all the trees, animals and I love the night sky. You forget about all the stars here in the city. One thing I loved was getting up before sunrise and hiked up to the lake. I enjoyed watching the suns light touching the tip of the mountains and then spreading all over the mountain giving it this great light. I I can relate that to Heavenly Fathers and Jesus Christ's love for us. We are this mountain craving light and we stand there firmly and strong he slowly shines on us. The firmer in place we are the more light we receive. Sometimes the light is cover with clouds of darkness, but if we again hold strong and firm the light will find us again. I hope this makes sense. In my head it does, but we all have times where we don't understand what goes on in this unique brain of mine. Mostly staying firm in the gospel gives you light. I know this to be true from my own experiences. The more we hold strong the more light we can feel. It is going to rain and be dark with mistakes, but I promise the light will return if you work hard at staying strong.
Camping can be a fun and dirty and wonderful experience to be enjoyed with yourself and family, but it is also amazing to see all to the glory in God and this world. We can learn a lot about life, the gospel, and grow spiritually by taking the time to watch and ponder at all it can teach us. Let us all try and live in the light. I promise you will find joy as I have.

My love for the Temple

So I know not so long ago I wrote about how I have changed by going to the Temple, but this week I realize how much I love the Temple. Monday I went to a YSA home evening where they talked about the symbolism of the outside of the Temple. I loved this even though for a few minutes I got a little sad and stupid for a silly reason about a stupid boy getting married there (not too happy with myself that i felt that way,but oh well), but snapped out of it to really look at the Temple. I loved learning more about all the details that this temple has. How it ties in with the Gospel. My heart and spirit was soaking it up and wanting to learn more. Yesterday I was driving to Jordan River Temple for my one of my twice a week sessions. There was a huge overcast in the sky and a tiny bit of light shone through. The only places in the valley the light touched was Oquirrah Mountain Temple and the Jordan River Temple. I thought how true that in darkness the Temple is where we can go for light we so desperately need sometimes. I am not in darkness anymore, but still appreciate that I can still feel that peace no matter what. That even though right now I am living in this light and I can feel it so much more ten fold. I also know when I am going to have more hard time that I can receive peace and comfort more than outside the temple. I didn't go once last week and I felt the difference that week. It wasn't like I was in despair but I felt like I didn't do something that makes me whole. Going to the Temple makes me feel whole and I am so grateful everyday that I made the changes I need to make and committed myself as much as I have because I have never felt so much joy. Looking forward to going a few times with my wonderful family and hopefully one day with the awesome man I am going to marry that is taking his sweet time to enter my life, but I am looking forward to when I can be sealed to him whoever he may be. So I will tone it down with the Temple talk because I know I talk about it a lot, but I truly do find joy because of it and I am all about spreading the joy!! I know this is why I am happier than ever. I am grateful for the opportunities I have to serve my Savior and I push myself to learn more and become stronger. I want to serve him well and do his work the best I can. I love my great life of love and service I get to have!!!

Things I am Grateful for

These last few months I have never been happier in my life. Ever since receiving my endowments I see life in a whole new way. I find joy in things so small. A few years ago I could never do that. I have a blessed life. I wanted to list some the things I have been grateful for.I cant list all because that is too much.

1.Being born in a family who had the Gospel. Though I didn't truly commit myself until recently, but I have had the complete truth from the beginning of my life. I was taught about my savior and knew of him. That has meant a lot to me even when I wasn't doing everything I was suppose to do.

2. My family. We are a good little family who are close and love one another. We love and accept each other for who we are. That is such an important thing.

3. Having the physical needs. I have a house, job, food, and a body. I truly have been blessed there at having these things. The house may not be a mansion, but i have a roof over my head. My job may not pay much, but it is a rewarding one and I feel I am pretty good at it. My body I haven't taken the best care of, but i am changing that. It is a gift and I want to take better care of this gift.As sore as I get I know that this is going to better in the long run.

4. That I made better choices now. I am glad to have had some of my darkest times in my life. It made me appreciate the light I am living in now. I had to have those dark days, make some of the bad choices to experience and soak up the joy I am having now. Doesn't mean i am never going to mess up again because I will, but not as drastic as before. I am grateful I am worthy to go to the Temple and never going to take that for granted. I know I am going to have more hardships, but I look at them as things I need to learn. It is not fun going through them, but the end I see why and am grateful to have learned that lesson.

5. I am grateful that I love. I love my family. I love my friends. I love children. I have loved so much already in this life. I am glad, even when I was heartbroken, that I can see that gift I have had to experience all these kinds of love. Love is such a wonderfully great thing that can easily be turned into bitterness. I hope I can always remember this.

I have a great life and it took me sadly a long time to realize this, but i do now. That is all that matters. I know that my Heavenly Father's love and faith in me has changed my life for the better. I am not the same person I was and I love that I wake up feeling his love for me. I wake up appreciating everything more and wanting to serve him well as much as possible. He has done more for me than I sometimes feel that I deserve, but I try everyday to make up for my wrongdoings from my past. I look forward to the future in serving him and living this great life he has given me the best I can. I am truly grateful to be alive.

Touched in the Heart by The Choir

So today I watched a show that comes from England. It is called The Choir and is about this young man who has a love for choir music. He wants to take a school in England that has no choir, train them, and enter them into the Choir Olympics in China. I am amazed at how the self esteem of children has gotten so bad. That these kids felt like no one believed in them and how that affects how they see themselves and how they live life. I watched how this one man who has had a pretty great life, been introduced to a lot of beautiful things in life and has a pretty busy life took the time to help these kids accomplish something they never thought possible. Just by believing in them changed their lives. They may not be the best singers ever or have a career in music, but he taught them the importance of believing in yourself and setting goals for yourself. That if you work hard and try your best, that you really can do anything. To have a good work ethic, team work, and believing in yourself, you can pretty much find joy even in the disappointments. I think we as a society don't help our children understand that and the importance of that value to have. That it is true in some things you do need to give up after a while, but not after you do everything that is possible to obtain it. So many people devalue their worth in life and give up. This breaks my heart. I know that if you have one person who truly believes in you, just one, that makes a difference in a child's life. I feel that this is so important and feel like I need to do something, but I don't know what I can do? Life is hard, but somehow we have lost teaching children how to deal with the up and downs. A lot of them feel entitled and don't want to work hard because what is the point. We need to fix this or we will have so many unhappy people in the future. Maybe I sound arrogant or not really aware of the world, but i am very passionate about this and feel I need to do something. I know I believe in me because my Heavenly Father does and through him and his support I can accomplish my desires and his will for me. I want to let others know this as well but also I want people who don't have the same beliefs as I do to feel that great feeling of believing in themselves. Everyone deserves to feel their worth in this life if they believe in Jesus Christ or not. They still need to know their worth in this life. Everyone has great potential no matter where you come from. It is up to us to help children to know this, but it is also up to them realize that and work at it. Even if we get a few that learn this then it has been worth it. I feel like I need to be part of something to help children or teenagers realize this, but what I need to do I know not at this moment. Anyone has ideas let me know. I hope I figure this out soon and try to help these kids who do not believe in themselves. They deserve so much more than some are given. So there are my thoughts of the day!!!

I love teaching Primary!!

So today I got to see two of my primary children get baptized. They are only two out of 7 i have seen and every time I get teary eyed. I am so proud and so happy for them! How great a job I have to help these wonderful little beings prepare for such a wonderful gift. These kids know more about the Gospel than I did at their age. They crave it and know it. I am truly impressed every time I teach. I started my life long career in Primary three years ago and I know I am going to be a lifer. I don't mind because I feel this is where I can serve the Lord better. I love going to church and sitting in that Primary room and feeling the pure spirit there. A child's faith and eagerness to learn the Gospel should be examples to us all. I know that I am child like and being as such has allowed me to grow in so many ways that it is wonderful and scary at the same time. Even times it can be annoying because I feel like I cant relate to others well, but I rather be able to learn the Gospel better and a little faster than having friends and a ton of boyfriends. I am happy to teach and I am learning more than I think my class is learning every time I teach. I am looking forward to learning and teaching the children. I know this brings me so much joy!! Primary is where it is at. (watch now I have said this i am going to be called into Young Womens, the calling that I fear most. I dont know if I could handle teenagers, but I will go where the Lord needs me. I hope he really wants me to stay in Primary!:)

What i learned today by watching a movie

This week for me has had a mixtures of emotions inside of me. I have felt angry, sad, heartbroken, numb, love, disappointment and lastly peace. It hasnt been all too pleasant i must say, but then today i watched a movie called How to Make An American Quilt. It may not be the best movie ever made, but after this week I needed this movie. It talks about different kinds of love and life choices. It is a reflections of these older women lives about choices and disappointments about love and acceptance of life. They loved spouses, children, friends, and family. Some stories they didnt end up with the one they loved and other ones did. The people we love may hurt us or disappoint us, but if we truly love then we forgive them. It made me see that love really is a gift. To love and be loved by family, friends, etc. really is something not to neglect or take for granted. There are times we get disappointed or things are not what they seem, but to remember that gift of love can so easily be looked over by all the bad feelings. I realize what I gift I had to love another human being for so long. To love the good and the bad of that person really was such a great thing. The relationship wasnt great at times it was miserable and messed up or not what i wanted it to be, but I loved someone and learned a lot from that love. I get so mad at the result of it or get lost in the disappointment that I lose sight of the greatness of loving someone even if it didnt work out. Although I probably would never know for sure, but I feel that he loved me once a long time ago and that he still cares for me. So I have been loved in my opinion, just not as I much as i loved him. I also realized the other love i have felt. I have felt my families love. Even though they dont get me or understand me or sometimes I feel i dont matter to them, i know they have loved me. Another love is from friends. I do tend to push people away, but having people check on me this week even though they may think it silly i was upset, they supported me. It meant a lot to know people cared. Another thing kind of love I am still working on is the love for myself. I love who I am most of the time, but somethings about me like, I guess you could say I am dramatic at times, but I call it someone who feels deeply. It can be annoying at times. Also I have been told I am unique and at times i love that, but it can be very lonely. I realize i should look at that as a gift. I may not have a lot of friends or people may not understand me, but I get to feel things in a way most do not and that is something not to hate, but to enjoy. It may mean i may break easily and that is what i need to work on, but I need to accept that things are not always going to work out the way i want. Lastly I have felt God's love for me. That has changed me in more ways than I expected. To feel His love for me has made me be able to get through things without feeling bitter for too long. It helps me accept things I probably may not understand, to do things I would not see myself doing. So I have had many gifts of different kinds of loves. I know there are people out there who dont get as much love as me and I hope i never take it for granted. Also we chose how we can see disappointments and heartbreaks. It sucks at times and it is hard. It may come back and hit me again, but I have a choice to dwell in the sadness or bitterness of it or to look at the beauty of it. I think I am going to choose the beauty of it, but i do have to feel that bitterness to see that beauty. I just choose not to dwell in it. I have such a love filled life and I am grateful for that gift to love and to love well even though things dont end the way i wanted it. So that is what I learned from an early '90s movie today.

poem

So today my first love got married and it has been a rough week even though i thought i had mourned already, but i guess i had a little in me still. i wanted to write this last poem as the final feelings of it all. i dont know if it is good, but it is how i felt. enjoy!!

Today You Married Someone Else
Today you knelt across the alter
with the mirrors of eternity behind both of you.
You became sealed to be together forever.
I always thought that would be me,
looking at you with love and devotion across the alter,
while being sealed together and begin the great adventurous journey.
It would have been wonderful I feel.
Now
I am sad today for me,
I lost the person who I felt was it,
the one, the person who was enough
for me,
flaws and all.
I loved the whole you.
Today I also am happy
for you, the man i have loved.
You are with the one you feel
is it, the one, the person
who is enough for you.
You are happy.
I am happy for you
to begin your life with your love.
I feel at peace that what is done is done.
A peace i thought never would come.
I hope she loves you as much or more
than I did.
That she realizes how special you are
the way you are.
I hope she brings out the man you were meant to be
the incredible man you are capable of being.
I hope she loves the whole you, the good
the bad, the light, and the dark.
I love you and my heart is joyful for you
this day even though this day pushed out
the tiny jagged edged hope for us out
of my heart.
I love you so much that your happiness means
more to me than my own.
I am happy that I got to love you,
know this kind of love.
To know what it feels like that
someones happiness brings me happiness
even though I am not that one
to have been enough for you.
I go forth knowing that I have
grown so much better from
just loving you.
Be joyful , my first love,
on this day you married someone else.

Finally Closure!!

So these last few days i have been in Zion National park. While away from home i tend to ponder a lot think about what I need to do to grow more as a person. So I decided to tackle the one thing i have been avoiding for a long time, letting go of my first love. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beauty. I had a lot of what I was feeling held up inside because one, i didn't want to deal with it and the other I had no one to talk to because everyone i love doesn't want to hear it because they were done hearing about it, which i don't blame them. Anyways, so i did something i haven't done in a while, write my feelings in poems. What a great experience for me to do that again. I am one of those people who once they get it out in the open it goes away. I let the anger, sadness, disappointment, questions, and truth out. My first love wasn't normal, it was different, maybe not what i thought it was, unhealthy at times, wonderful, sad, not all his fault and not all mine. It was my first love and it happened the way it did because of our choices and this is the consequences of them. That is not good or bad, it just is. So i wanted to type up a few to let them out and be done. Enjoy!!!

To Let You Go
To let you go means I will lose
the love I have felt.
A love that has been intense, strong, and grew every year.
To let you go feels like I am losing a part of myself,
a dear part of myself.
A part I liked because I loved loving you.
To let you go means to let go of the life I planned
with you, the life I wanted.
To let you go means I was wrong about you,
that I lied to myself about how you felt for me,
that you lied about your feelings.
You used me, lead me on, and to let you go
means I have to face that.
To let you go is closing something fun, lovely, messed up,
and not true.
To let you go means feeling nothing towards you and that is
why it is hard to let you go. I still care for you more
than I want to, but I need to face the truth. To move on means to let go, to go on without you, but I am with out you anyways. So I am letting go for me, for you because I love you and want you happy, but mostly for me because i deserve more.

Questions to God about Heartbreak
Is it wrong to be angry? at him, me,
you? was it me or him?
Is this my fault for some of my
choices?
Did she serve thee better than me?
I fought my way back and besides
happiness as my gift why
couldn't I have him too?
Was he wrong for me or
was I wrong for him?
Why did it feel so right for so long?
Did i lie to myself that he loved
me or did he?
When will I stop caring?
When will I stop missing him?
I can't help but blame
that I did not turn my
life around faster.
I feel like I was asleep for most of those years and now
I am awake I wish I had a chance still.
I feel robbed of something amazing because
of my sleeping.
Was it wrong to love him so long?
Was this the wrong kind of love and
will I love again?
I have a lot of questions I
wish you could answer, but
this may be one of those things
I will never understand.
Please help me to accept what is done.
Help me to move on, heal, give peace
of mind of my first
heartbreak.

Do I Regret You?

Do I regret you?
That is a hard question to ask.
I regret letting you treat me the way you did.
Always your way, never answering my questions when I questioned it,
making me feel silly when I did.
You pulled away when I asked for more but came back when I backed down.
I regret breaking down, letting myself get broken until I didn't recognize myself. For trusting your words of love when actions showed different and ignoring that fact.
Do I regret you?
I regret letting it go on as long as it did and grow as unhealthy as it grew.
Let me change the question now,
Do I regret loving you?
I saw myself wanting to make another happier than me. I wanted to do things for you without you expecting it because I love you.
I got to care about someone more than I thought possible, ahead of everything and everyone.
A love that was so deep and powerful that i never thought possible to feel that way.
I learned how to communicate and work on being more positive, and not afraid to live life, try new things.
Do I regret loving you?
No, even though you used me as your back up, broke my heart, lead me on, played with my emotions,
I do not regret loving you.
My love for you and you breaking my heart taught me how much to love and when it is not love in return.
I learned how I should allow myself to be treated and act healthier in a relationship.
So I do have regrets, but I got to love so deep, so intense, know I am capable of love even if it was not returned and that
is something not to regret.

Roots

The roots of my love for you
started in my heart,
slowly making its way down.
Twisting, winding, finding
a strong place to embed.
Years passed, deeper the
roots pushed,
firmer into the
core of me.
Sometime during those years
it lost strength
became loose
didn't fit well, but the roots stayed.
You never had roots for me
and now you are gone,
loving someone else,
flourishing with someone else
while my roots have to be pulled.
It is messy, painful, tearing up
the roots that have implanted
themselves deep inside me.
Not wanting to let of its tight
grasp it has made it's home for so long.
some of this mess is my doing,
some yours, but
the roots were there and must
come all the way out.
so I yank the roots of my love
Even though
the ground is being torn apart.
One day I will be able to
nourish new roots and
nurture them,
but now will continue to yank
until I am free of these roots
I have for you.

What i have learned about me by going to the Temple

So I received my Endowments almost two months ago and I have never been happier. In the two months I have gone twice a week with my mom. A few years ago I didn't even dream I would even be going to experience this because I wasn't living the Gospel fully. I was doing it half way plus I was caught up in a unhealthy love for a man that, as I see now, was holding me back. The way I was living was not allowing me to love him in a healthy way. Anyways two years ago I decided to live the Gospel because I believed in the church, but not living it fully. I was not receiving all I could have had while living the way I was. It started slow and I gave up a lot of my behaviors that were not making me happy. It is hard to give up things you have made into habits after years of doing them, but I was determined. A year after that I felt I should work on trying to receive my endowments and a year, a long hard year, after that I was worthy to go through. Again that was an awesome day that i can not fully relay to anyone in words, but I was happy more than I have ever been before. So there is a back story on that. :) Now again I go twice a week and to feel that peace that I feel you can receive no where else is such a gift. First going and serving in a way I have never before has been wonderful. I have felt some with me as I do the work for them and that is very overwhelming at times, but wonderful. I can feel their joy which brings me joy. I also have felt calmer in my life and trying to be more understanding of others. At times I grow inpatient with church members, but I need to remember I was struggling once also and we are all on our own path on accepting things. I feel myself being a better person, which when I felt to put Andy and his fiance's name in the Temple last month was asking too much, but I still did it because I felt it was only right. He hurt me and used me, but he deserves to be happy. That is a hard thing to learn, but it is an important one to learn. I have learned that I can grow in more ways and capable of more than I think people expect of me, more than I think I expected of me. One thing I have felt sad for is that there are not more people going. I see more women than men which it is sad that the men's work is not being done as much as the women. Also I have yet to be in a completely full session. I have gone at nights, mornings, Saturdays and it saddens me that we are blessed to have so many Temples by us and they are not being used. I think maybe I may understand this because I have friends that live in other countries and don't have access to them. I know that they would give anything to go as much or more than once a week. I feel the blessings from going and how sad that people in Utah have such great access to those blessings, but do not use that advantage we have over the rest of the world. I love going to the Temple even when not going to seek comfort, but just going to serve. Though yesterday I was having a really crappy day and during I felt the peace, but after I left that peace left too. Went back to having a really hard night, but I did feel the joy in serving underneath my sadness. There is so much to be done and so much joy to be felt. I know this to be true. I am grateful for this and will always be grateful even though I don't understand some things now, but I will. My life hasn't been an easy one and I haven't helped in that, but that is changing now. I am going to have the life I need and not the one I wanted or expected. That is hard to accept to be honest, but I will see the big picture one day. I will still get some things I want, which is not a lot, but that one big thing I wanted I accept that it probably wouldn't have been as great as I imagined it to be. I loved him, but he never loved me as much and that would not have worked. I am glad that I had that heartbreak because it has brought me to the path I needed to be on and that is whats important. This last year has been a great growing experience and I know much of that growth comes from going and knowing the importance of Temple work.

Update of me

So April was a pretty exciting month. I received my endowments on April 6th. What a wonderful day and i continue to feel the wonderfulness of that day. I go to the Temple twice a week. I can not see myself doing anything but going that much. What a gift to have and what love i have felt. I have never been happier. People say i am calmer and I feel a calmer presence in my life. I feel myself growing more and more each day.
The next wonderful thing is my niece McKenzie was born. Man she is a cutie. My little sister is an awesome mom. I am looking forward to watching her grow into a wonderful human being. We also found out Tricia is having a boy in September. So i will have two nieces and two nephews. What a great little family we are growing to be.
So lastly, dating. I have not been up to it, but i will. I just think it comes to liking a boy i lose all my senses and come off not who i am. I am also scared to get hurt again. I do not ever want to feel that kind of pain again. I don't feel it anymore, but i do remember what it felt like when he told me he met someone. It was the worst thing ever, so i don't want to feel that way. I am ready to move on, but i just don't want to be stupid again and act like a fool again. I don't want to be fooled again. So that is what i am figuring out how not to lose myself and make a fool of myself again. I am way too cute to not try. So I haven't been able to try new things every month because a lot of what i want to try costs money, but i will get that started again when not poor. So there is the update. I know I am kinda boring, but i wouldn't have it any other way.

my year of adventure begins

So this is the year of adventure. I am trying new things every month to grow and live my life. This month I went shooting. For those who know me I am not a fan of guns. I hate them, but I actually had a lot of fun. I conquered my fear of them and actually became a pretty good shot. I am looking forward to doing it again. Next month I am going to crash a wedding! I am going to go sky diving and over night hiking during the summer. In other news, I also have started to work out again. i have a new plan and after two weeks i am already tightening up. I am working out four days a week in the morning lifting weights, every day during my lunch i do a cardio mixed with tightening my problem area, my butt, and three days i stay after work to do a little more. I am losing fast now and eating better. I am very close to my goal, but going to go for a smaller size like a 12. The only problem is my glutes and it is going to be the last to go, but i swear it is going to go! So this year is off to a great start. also I have been thinking dating is the wrong choice now. I want to date and i have some nice guys who are interested, but i don't know why it feels wrong. Lastly i have set a date to go to the temple. I am so excited and glad i finally am going. It finally feels right and I am really ready to make this commitment. If you remember on my June posting I was struggling until I had that awesome experience there, for those who have not read it read June and the spiritual experience in Zion, I felt like i was never going to get there and now April 6th is the day i make my huge commitment to the Lord and I am so happy I made it, doesn't mean life is going to get easier, but now i can go in the Temple, do work and be closer to the Lord more than ever before in my life. What an awesome thing that is going to be!!!
So this is me accepting what is done, move on and try to continue to make better choices and live to the fullest. Will keep updated about all the adventures.

my new book idea and new thoughts

So i am going to start my new book idea this weekend. i will get back to my novel i have been working on, but i am just not into writing a love story. my heart would not be in it since my only love experience was a depressing and sad one. I am excited to start something new. I have been writing it in my head the last few days and i like it so far. I have been remembering important moments in my life and some silly one. To look back and see have far i have come in this life is funny. I don't think after all the choices i made early on that i would finally become this stable and normal as normal could be girl. I could have gone in a total other direction in my life and yet i came out OK and better. I love who i am today. I am still strange and see things in different ways, but i love it. It must have a purpose in this life and there has got be a reason for it. I feel like I am here to do more than get married and have kids. That is important too and I am looking forward to it, but i feel i have something more to give and do here in this world, but i have no idea what. i will figure it out. This book about my silly strange crazy life is just for me to see, but i may want to see if it will be published one day. I think some people would find my journey so far interesting, but maybe not. Even though my life has not turned out the way i felt it would after all these years, i am finally OK with it. I am still sad about it, but i have no idea what is going to happen next and that is exciting and very scary too. All i know is I am grateful for my life and my experiences.